Published May 11, 2008
You've captured my heart today.
Even though you don't feel the same way.
I wish you were beside me.
Without you, I will cease to be.
I'm fighting a losing battle here.
Trying not to think about you when you're near.
If only you would hold my hand.
I'd be the happiest soul in the land.
You'll be moving on and leaving me behind soon.
I want to see you one last time beneath the moon.
I'll never again see you dance.
So I guess I'll say good-bye while I have a chance.
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141,348 Literary Works • 674,374 Reviews
This was lovely. I like the rhyme scheme (A, A, B, B).
The only comment I have is the punctuation. I think you have too much.
I would take out the comma in the fourth line (it is unnecessary) and I would take out the period in the second line so it would read:
With those two punctuation removals the poem flows better.
I love that part (quoted above)
Take out the period (in orange).
That line seems too long. The other lines in the stanzas are much shorter. Perhaps consider condensing it a little more?
Example:
Lastly, take out the period after dance. It will help make the poem flow much better.
Hope this helps and I enjoyed reading your work!
- Summerless <3~
Wow!
This was...was...amazing!
It has a powerful message in almost every line!
Great job and keep writing, 'cause you're great!
~Lulu
(O)T..T(O)
Wow, I was going to go through line by line... but they are just all very cliche. You took an old idea, and put no spin on it at all. It's all about you you you and tell tell tell. There is very little here to interest me as a reader, if anything at all.
All I can think after reading this is there is nothing here that makes me think "hmm". There isn't anything here that makes me think anything at all actually. It's all telling, very little showing. I want to know what you see and smell and taste and feel, not just that someone captured your heart.
Why? What did they do to steal your heart? Was it their pretty eyes or hair or something they said? I don't have a clue at this point.
Honestly, with this one you are going to have to take the basic idea and start all over. Stop navel-gazing for a moment and write it again
Good Luck
OverEasy
It made me really sad but in a good way. I loved it. You did a great job of capturing the true feelings that comes with that kind of pain.
Can't wait to read you next work!
wow. The feeling here was powerful. I love it. Here come the butterflies! I, alond with a lot of people can relate to it. Excellent flow.