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Chapter 2: Friendly Kidnappers

by MoonIris


She started waking up, but her head felt so heavy...Kaltaine didn’t felt like having the strength to get up. She didn’t really remember what happened. She slowly opened her eyes and tried to concentrate on what or who was in front of her, but the image was still blurry. It took her a phew seconds to clearly see that in front of her, there was a boy with green eyes and brown messy hair. She looked at him and remembered what happened at the library, how panicked she was. A shiver went up to her arms from those memories. She was laying on what would seem like a train bench. She quickly got up and asked, more likely screamed:

„Where am I? Let me go!” But she got up too fast. Her head started too hurt really badly and fell back down on the train bench. She was surprised to realize that she didn’t have any kind of chains or wasn’t immobilized in any kind of way.

„Take it easy, you just woke up ”,Kaltaine looked at him like she was about to punch him, and she probably would if she wasn’t so weak. Take it easy? I just got kidnapped by you Mr pacifist and Lasso guy! She thought.

„Here drink some water”, continued the boy who seemed slightly intimidated by her look. He gave her a bottle made of glass which was covered in leather. Kaltaine looked at him but didn’t take it.

„No” she replied on a cold neutral tone.

. „You need to drink water, it’s going to help you” the boy tried to convince her.

„No, I’m not drinking anything you are giving me”, she crossed her hands and leaned on her  back.

„It’s just water” jumped in another boy. He had red wine eyes and black hair that was almost covering his eyes. The caster. Kaltaine recognizes him, but he didn’t look like what she remembered. True, she didn’t pay much attention to how the boys were looking when they were at the library. She was too busy to throw books at them. Ironically, he was reading and seemed really bored by the situation.

„Sorry if I don’t trust two guys who just kidnapped me!”

„We didn’t really kidnap you. And Nuckle head let me do the talking.” Said the boy with the water bottle, the other one just roled his eyes. His posture was right. He was sitting in a corner of the vehicle. He was wearing a black t-shirt and black pants. He had a kind of belt which was grey and had  on it, in black, some Arabic pattern. You could see attached to it a knife. He had a ring wich was obviously black and on it, there was a symbol that Kaltaine didn’t know. After examining the red-eye boy she said:

„I think taking me by force, from where I live in the middle of the night, is pretty much the definition of Kidnapping”

„Listen it’s complicated, just take some water. It’s not poison or anything” She didn’t believe him. She started punching the metal wall that was behind her and screamed „let me out!” multiple times. The red wine eyed boy caught her hand,

„Shut it! You’re not in danger.” Kaltaine freed herself from  his grip and looked right into his eyes. They seemed glacial... She remade her ponytail, her hair was now in her eyes „You were way more silent when you were passed out. Great job talking to her Jox” He turned to the other boy, „It would be easier if we inject her again”

„NO. Absolutely no. We did it once that’s enough.” The boys turned around and saw how panicked she looked at them.

„What exactly did you injected me?” She screamed at them.

„Just something to make you sleep” Said the one with green eyes trying to calm her down.

„And you expect me to drink whatever you’re giving me? NO WAY!”

„It’s just water. And we WON’T inject you again” She looked at him attentively. His brown hair was very messy. He had dark-colored pants, somewhere between brown and black. He had big boots made of leather which seemed to keep worm, a little to warm. He had a kind of shirt that was longer than usual ones. He didn’t seem to have any kind of weapons, at least not one that she could see. He also had a neckless with the exact same symbol that the other boy had on his ring. What does it mean? He had a big smile on his face which made him look a little bit like an idiot. She looked into his eyes and saw something. Something so familiar...This made her take the water and it was indeed just water.

“I still don’t trust you”

“We didn’t expect you to.”

The boys were dressed properly, not in some kind of cozy t-shirt and leggings wich she would’ve probably sleep in. It made her uncomfortable so she tried to make herself look better by adjusting her t-shirt. But that wasn’t really her problem... she was wearing slippers. If these guys attack her again how is she supposed to run in slippers? How am I suppose to do anything in slippers? Jox saw that Kal was looking at her slippers and then gave her a pair of white sneakers which weren’t that cleaned because of how much they had been used: „I thought you might want this so we took them when... well, we took you.”

„Thanks! I can’t really run away in slippers”. The joke made the guys exchange looks.

She looked around. I've never been to something as modern as this. It wasn’t a train. It seemed more like a box, with no doors, no windows. It was hight enough for then to get up and walk a little bit around. They were moving but to where? And who were these two guys?

„Better?” Asked the one with green eyes then set on the bench in front of her.

„Who are you? Where am I? Why is it complicated? What do I have to do in any of these? And where the heck are you taking me? She said the last question almost screaming.

„I’m Joxtyn, Jox if you want. This is my buddy, Alden. You are-„

„No.” Said, Alden „We tell her nothing before we arrive. Orders remember?”

„From who?” asked Kaltaine.

„I’m not going to answer. Neither is Jox.” He looked at him with serious eyes.

„Great” said Kaltaine. „Well, I’m Kal-.”

„We know,” said Alden „ We kept a closed eye on you for a phew days.

„So you spied on me”.

„Pretty much” he completed. He went back to his book leaving Kaltaine with an irritating look.

„Nice to meet you...” matured Kal but she was completely ignored. „How long was I actually passed out?”

” Two or three days.”She pretended that she wasn’t shock or scared about this new information but she didn’t do a pretty good job. „Don’t worry it’s not that much. Besides you need rest for...mmh you’ll see”

„I just don’t get it, what did I ever do to have to go threw all of this...trouble”, she said the last word exasperated.”Why can’t I leave my normal boring life?”, as she said that she punched the bench that she was sitting on.

„Hey, it’s not that bad. I mean for now...mmh. We can be quiet fun and if you would’ve listened we wouldn’t have to fight you”.

„Jox it wasn’t much of fighting. You know to fight your opponent needs to go against you.”, added Alden to annoy even more Kaltaine. She on the other side ignored his comment and continued talking with Jox:

„I’m not speaking just about getting kidnapped, I mean what happened to me before...It’s not your doing?” Alden looked for once intrigued,

„What happened to you before?”

” If you don’t answer I don’t answer.”

” Seems fair”, Said Jox. „Hey do you want hear a joke?”

„No”

„Sure”, replied Alden and Kaltain at the same time.

„Ignore the dark spirit nuckle head. How do oceans say goodby? They wave. Kaltaine smiled but tried to hide it so they wouldn't believe she started to trust them. Then a series of bad jokes started on all kinds of topics.


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265 Reviews


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Sun May 31, 2020 5:47 pm
myjaspercat wrote a review...



Hey MoonIris,
Jaspercat here to leave you a review

Nit-Picks

She started waking up, but her head felt so heavy...Kaltaine didn’t felt like having the strength to get up.
The ellipsis here is a little unnecessary. If I were you I would just end the sentence there and start a new one or I would change the ellipsis to a comma instead.

It took her a phew few seconds


in front of her, there was a boy
the comma here isn't necessary.

She quickly got up and asked, more likely screamed:
A couple things with this sentence. First I would work with the wording of the sentence so you can take away the comma and so it can read better. Second, the colon at the end of the sentence shouldn't be there. In this sentence you're telling us the action of the dialogue, how it's being expressed in the story and then you're going straight into the dialogue afterwards so that pause doesn't have to be there.

Colons are typically used for 2 things.

a) As a way to introduce an element or series of elements that illustrates or amplifies the information that preceded the colon and

b) To separate two independent clauses when (a) the second clause is directly related to the first and (b) when the emphasis is on the second clause.

She was too busy to throw throwing books at them.


„Sorry if I don’t trust the two guys


His posture was right
How can someone's posture be right? Could you explain a bit more what you mean here about it.

What exactly did you injected inject me with


He also had a neckless necklace


She looked into his eyes and saw something. Something so familiar...This made her take the water and it was indeed just water.
Again I would take away the ellipsis here. As well, the period between both 'somethings' should be replaced with a comma to fix the flow of the sentence.

Overall Thoughts
So I ended my nitpicks there because I knew they were all going to start repeating and I wanted spare you that torture. However there are a few things I would love to go over.

1: Ellipsis
Throughout the story you use them quite a bit and typically in spots where they're unneeded. This tends to pull down the story and disrupt the flow. Typically an ellipsis is used as an omission of text. It shows the reader that something has intentionally been left out. They are also used to show a pause in speech or to show that a sentence has trailed off. While there are maybe 1 or 2 places in your story where your placement of them could be considered proper for the most part they aren't. Instead I would use a comma or just a simple full stop.

2: Dialogue and dialogue tags
First, I don't know if it's intentional or there was an error somewhere but the opening tag for your dialogue should also be raised. The same way the ending tag is. Second, Remember that when you start new dialogue you also want to start a new paragraph so to speak. You stick to this pretty well throughout your story however there are still a couple places where this is ignored. Finally the dialogue itself seems rather flat. When writing, you don't want to force a conversation between characters. You want it to flow naturally and seamlessly.

3: Show don't tell
Now this is something I don't want to go into a lot of detail with because I'm pretty sure that you have heard this concept at least once before. Mainly, the intention of this piece of advice is to remind you that you write in a way that allows your readers to visualize what is happening. Instead of telling us every detail of the scene and all the emotions that are being felt by your characters, show it to us. Don't tell us your reader is angry, express it. The entirety of your story is telling and makes the work boring to read. You want descriptions and details that work with your piece rather than against it.

Other then that I don't really have any major concerns for this piece. It is fairly interesting and I think you have something with nice potential just be mindful what you're writing and how you're writing it. You do have quite a few grammatical errors throughout the piece and I believe I started to point them out but I know I didn't point them all out. Just read through your piece and keep a look out for them.

Good luck and continue writing always. Feel free to ask any questions you have.




MoonIris says...


Thanks for the review!:)



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Sun May 24, 2020 8:41 pm
thepages wrote a review...



Hey, nice work you have hear. I like your creativity, your scenes are vividly styled. Just a few errors, i highly recomend previewing you chapters for mostly gramma errors. So, right to it;
"where am i? Let me go" but she got up to (too) fast. Her head started two (to)hurt really badly and felt (fell) back down on the train bench."
"talke it easy" (take it easy)
the part where Taltaine thinks, put that in either "" or italics, that way the reader can easily tell her thoughts from the narrator's words"
"no, i am not drinking anything...she crossed her hands and leaned on her the back.(i thnk you should remove "the""
"we didn't really kidnap you...the other one just role(rolled)his eyes."
"the red wine-eyed boy stopped her hand and sad(said) irritated"
you dnt really have to tell us every time that a character is saying something, at least not in the fomat you are using here, you could use the "said" after the actual saying, like
"the wine-eyed boy stopped her hand, "shut it! You're not in danger!" he burst out a kind of whisper. Kaltaine broke free of his grasp, staring right in his seemingly cold eyes" so as you cn see here you know that the wine-eyed boy spoke but the story rythm aint broken by " the wine eyed boy then said:..."
"she remade her pony tail who(which) was too lose and her hair was in her eyes" you can improve this sentence by shortening it a little and re-assembling it in a way or two, like " she remade her pony tail, the hair now in her eyes as she maybe stared at the boys..."
"he didn't seem to have any kind of weapon,(you missed the comma) at least she didn't saw(see) them(you could change them to one, "atleast she didn't see one"
"...and then gave her a pair of white sneakers who(which) weren't that cleaned(clean) because of how much they've(they had) been used"
i think you need to work on the facial/physical description other than the clothing. You are good at styling up your characters, bravo at that.
"i just don't get it, why(what) did i ever do to go threw(through) all of this..."
hey do you like slang? I like it. Some of your typos are in slang, like the "threw"
that aside this is a creative piece, i like your characters and can't wait to read more about them. I also like your dressing, its modern n stylish. You need to work on grammer mostly, keep up the great story line.




MoonIris says...


Hi! Thanks for the review! I'll correct those grammar mistakes today. I'm glad you liked my characters. :)




"The adventures I enjoy are usually of a literary nature."
— Henry Winchester