Melt My Heart to Stone

Right under my feet

There’s air made of bricks

Pulls me down, turns me weak for you

I find myself repeating like a broken tune

And I’m forever excused in your intentions

That I’ve given to my pretending

Which forgive you each time

Without me knowing

They melt my heart to stone

We had that really big fight last Thursday. I wanted to end it right then and there, but I couldn’t bring myself to it. I stormed out the house and walked around the block smoking a cigarette for the first time in months because I was so pissed at you. But even at that moment I wasn’t sure if I was really ready to let go. I called you a week later because I was getting worried, I thought maybe you weren’t ready to let go either, and that you couldn’t bring yourself to face me, which explained why you weren’t calling. We met up on the corner of Fifth and Derby, and immediately I was pulled back into a façade of love with you. We hugged; I remember how good you smelled and how you had held me that close before and how much I had missed that kind of love. We held each other for a long time and while we were hugging, I became stupidly drunk with love--again. You said that you loved me, and I said I forgive you, and suddenly all the harsh feelings were gone. We didn’t say anything more after that.

And I hear your words that I made up

You say my name like there could be an us

I best tidy up my head

I’m the only one in love

I’m the only one in love

As a make-up present, you said you were going to take me out to dinner. I was so excited, and felt like I was sixteen again, going on my first date. You showed up at my door with a bouquet full of cheap pastel colored flowers and a teddy bear that had my name stitched on its belly -- the stereotypical boyfriend’s gift. I put the presents on the couch and then we left to go to that really fancy restaurant I said I always wanted to go to. We even went in your car that time. I was so surprised by such unprecedented affection you were showing for me and so drunk with love that I didn’t even find it strange when you used a woman’s name with the receptionist. But hell, I didn’t care, we would finally be eating at that restaurant I always wanted to go to.

You held my hand as you took me toward our table. I noticed a woman sitting there but I assumed she was just confused and that you would tell her that the table was reserved for just us. I became even more confused as we got closer to our table and you didn’t say anything about the woman sitting there. In fact, you looked quite intent on getting as close to her as you possibly could. The way you held my hand felt as if you would drop it at any moment and immediately squeeze hers. When I asked who she was all you did was utter the word “business”. We would actually be dining with the woman, which, you hadn’t told me was your boss.

Each and every time I turn around to leave

I feel my heart begin to burst

And bleed

So desperately I try to link it with my head

But instead I pull back to my knees

As you tear your way right through me

I forgive you once again

Without me knowing you’ve burnt my heart to stone

I was ready to leave once we sat at the table with the woman. The only interaction between she and I that you would allow was your introduction of her to me. All night your eyes were on her. Don’t get me wrong, she seemed like a nice woman and she was pretty, but it was rude of you to leave me there like that. If you wanted to have a date with your boss, you didn’t need to invite me. Since you forgot about me then, I was stupid enough to notice some things. You both had blue eyes that sparkled like crystals when you looked at each other. I had brown eyes, and mine were dull and the light gone out of them. She had on a lavender colored dress and sat in a comfortable fashion and had a calm, soft voice, as if to reflect her subtly. She was beautiful -- I could see why you were so much into her. Although beautiful, that didn’t explain why she had prepared such a meet up with only you just for “business”. But it was about time you noticed me when your bossed asked about me, or actually what I’d like to eat. I ordered only a salad while the both of you got full course meals as if you were planning on staying there long.

And I hear your words that I made up

You say my name like there could be an us

I best tidy up my head

I’m the only one in love

I’m the only one in love

Finally a little bit is mentioned about me. As I was beginning to lose hope, your boss asked about what I did for a living, and you took on that part. You really talked up what I did though; you say that I wrote for a living, and that I just hit it big with some publisher in New York, and was once published in the Times—which was true. You mentioned that you always loved my writing, which was a surprise to me because in the past when I tried showing you some of my works you never said anything particular about them. You just stared blankly at them, as if you were reading something in another language. I was happy though, no one ever praised me like that and I began to think that maybe the blank looks were being explained right there at the table. Perhaps you needed more time to think about them, and you really did care about me.

Why do you steal my hand

Whenever I’m standing my own ground?

You build me up

Then leave me dead

Well…

You went back to talking to your boss. The only time you spoke about me at that table was when you spoke about my writing. I was finished with my salad but you and your boss were picking at the huge plate of lobster with your hands, like it was normal to be that close to each other. I couldn’t take any more of it, so I grabbed my purse and stood to leave. I almost got away but you grabbed my hand and held it firmly. You asked me where I was going, and I said for a smoke. Then you seemed more interested in me than you had all night by saying that I haven’t smoked in months. I asked when you started caring about that, and you said always. That melted me inside. I felt my eyes water and developed a lump in my throat because I never thought you cared about that. I was so overcome with emotion that I said that I just had to go. I don’t know if you let me go because you saw the pain building up inside me or because your boss was getting antsy but you let me go, so I left. And I never came back to the restaurant after that.

I hear your words you made up

So I say your name like there could be an us…

I took a long bus ride home that night and walked the rest of the way. While walking, I went through almost the entire pack of cigarettes before getting to my house that night. I regretted each drag I took. But each puff of air that came from my lungs was my way of making a final resolution of getting rid of you. I had to stop smoking my last one because I had a headache and felt nauseous. I was sick within and without. But I was done playing games with you; I was ready to end it. It was pretty late at night, so and I couldn’t see much. I wondered if you thought about me at all after I left. Probably not. I opened the door with a dizzy head and flipped on the light switch, and there were your gifts, facing me. The flowers hung limply on the side of my couch and the teddy bear sat there with a stitched in smile on its face and my name across its belly, holding out its arms for me to hug. That was when I dropped the last half of my cigarette and I heard you calling my name outside.

I best tidy up my head

I’m the only one in love

I’m the only one in love

Fin.