An incomplete story about time travel. This is only the first bit. What do you think? :)
His black coat glistened as he rose above the gray waters. Water precariously slid down his curved spine as he did so smoothly. He seemed to make no effort to come back to the surface for a breath of air and instead seemed to be careless with his life--as if he could toss it away whenever he wanted to. The suns rays enhanced his amber colored eyes and made them shine like diamonds.
"Johnny," I said. "Come here, doggy." I held out my arms as support so that he could walk toward me. He padded his way along the mushy sand toward me. As he did so, his paws left behind prints that could stay there forever if he'd wanted them too.
"Johnny, you're a good boy." I said to him. Although he could not respond to me with words, I felt through his passionate kisses that he had heard me.
"Want to play a game?" I asked while holding up a tennis ball. He barked in accord with me. I tossed it toward the ocean, and without any perceived thought, he ran straight into the water from where he had just emerged. Predictably, he brought it back to my opened hand.
"You're such a loyal dog." I said and I tossed the ball back toward the sea. As Johnny fetched the ball, I thought about how peaceful the scene had been. I was at a beach, playing toss with my dog, and there was no one else there but he and I. I looked at the pink sky above me and noticed that the sun was starting to set and gray clouds were moving in. This is how I want to live my life. I thought. Peacefully with my dog. I won't let myself get into anymore trouble.
I closed my eyes and sat there in the cooling sand, and I let that statement replay about three times in my head until I could really believe it. But the silence was broken when a young voice behind me interrupted my thoughts.
“Excuse me, mister?” it said. I realized that it was the voice of a young woman. Before turning around, I exhaled sharply through my nose, annoyed because the woman had interrupted my thoughts.
“Excuse me?” I looked over my shoulder without saying anything to give her to give her the impression that I did not want to be bothered. It was rude, yes, but I wasn’t in the mood to answer questions. Apparently she’d gotten the message, because grumpily trotted in the sand to the front of me. I squinted at her.
“Excuse me for being a nuisance, but if you didn’t want to be bothered you could have simply said so.” she said with a hand on her hip. She was barefooted, but ill-dressed for the beachy weather. She had worn a large sun hat, that had a flamboyant pink flower on it. She had on a burgundy overcoat and she wore khakis. And it looked like she was wearing about a thousand scarves.
“Can I help you?” I said with a tinge of irritation in my voice. I had really wanted her to leave.
“Yes. My car broke down a few miles back. I’ve been walking for two hours--”
“Bare-footed, like that?” I interrupted. I was suddenly interested in what she had to say. Her eyebrows furrowed and she had suddenly gotten really angry again.
“Listen, mister.” she said. “I don’t like asking strangers for help just as much as the next person, but if you don’t want to help me, then I’d be perfectly fine with walking another two hours than to be disrespected by you!” Suddenly, it was quiet again save for the sounds of the ocean washing upon the shores. Peaceful it was. While she stood there fuming, I pinched a bit of sand and rolled it between my fingers. A harsh gale ran between us. It only ruffled my shirt but it almost blew off her hat. I watched her struggle with keeping it upon her head. I almost laughed at the sight.
“Hmpf.” She began. “I guess I’ll just walk a few more hours then. Good day.” And she trotted back to where she had came, struggling with keeping her scarves round her neck and her obnoxious hat on her head.
Johnny finally ran back to me, soaking wet, and dropped the tennis ball on the sand. He barked because he was happy to see me. I ruffled his fur but couldn’t help thinking about how hopeless that woman was. I looked around for her and saw that she hadn’t gotten very far. Lex, I hope you’re not thinking what I think you’re thinking. But I was. I was unfortunately a good samaritan, and my caring senses had kicked in and I walked quickly to catch up with the woman who was still struggling to make it through the sand.
“Miss, wait up!” I called out to her while trying to catch up with her. I got close enough to touch her shoulder but it was a mistake. When I touched her shoulder, she shrieked, and fell in the sand.
“What do you want?!” she screamed.
“I can offer you a ride back if you like.” I said. She glared at me and proceeded and got back up and continued to walk without saying anything to me. She stormed off, even angrier than before.
“Really!” I tried again. “It’s getting dark, and you don’t have any shoes!” We were getting farther away from the water, so there were more trees around. I had to yell because another strong wind had blown between us, and the trees were loudly blowing in the wind.
At that, she swiveled around to face my direction, and walked toward me with the same anger in her steps as she’d had before.
“Fine,” she said as she got within speaking distance of me. “You’ll drive me back, but I swear if you do one funny thing I’m jumping out of the car and I’m calling the police!” and she turned around and kept walking in the direction she had been going before. I rolled my eyes and mocked her in my head. I walked ahead of her and walked left. Johnny followed.
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“Really!” I tried again. “It’s getting dark, and you don’t have any shoes!”

This part made me laugh, for some reason…
I think this is off to a really strong start. I hope you can come up with more that keeps the same pace and flow, but so far I'd say it has really good bones and great potential. When I saw it was a story about time travel, I'll admit I was a bit apprehensive (having read lots of lousy time travel novels in the past), but it's surprisingly held my interest and now I'm curious to see how the time traveling aspect comes in…
The characters, despite not knowing much about them (yet), seem pretty intriguing. I'm interested to find out who they are and more about them as the story goes on.
Embarrassingly, I have to admit that I too was a little confused by the "As he did so, his paws left behind prints that could stay there forever if he'd wanted them too" part---also, I think you meant "to" instead of "too." And the sudden switch of POV in the beginning was a bit jarring and left me scratching my head.
But other than that, nice work! I think this'll turn out well.
Hi there!

I would love to see a better starting sentence. On one hand, kudos on the sudden punch of 'him' being a dog and not a person! But for me, while starting to read I found the voice in my head awkward saying 'black coat glistened as he rose...' As in it sounds awkward while reading. I'm sure you can work around this.So, time travel and stuff. Yum! I'd like to see how you develop this, so, do go on.
Anyway, my comments as I read through:
Your description of the place and mood is pretty good. I like it! Plus, I like how you use your vocabulary.
I didn't understand this logically. Does the dog time travel and somehow that makes paw prints stay forever?
As Deanie said, i noticed these adverbs. Just use them in moderation!
I noticed that you could do a lot more of character development by describing more of their little gestures and nuances. Try to show us a little more about them, through both their dialogue and actions. In some cases, focusing on the atmosphere; and less on the person works. But I think you have piqued the reader's interest quite a bit; and do them some justice and go ahead with some description. Plus, it will help in understanding the age of the characters better. I'm assuming the guy is between 18&21 for some reason. As for the girl, I can't fathom. Although, of driving age, seemingly.
Umm, so here, I would expect her to turn when she heard that. Or for him to realize she ignored his 'miss, wait up'. Or, I wouldn't expect him to just touch her shoulder (although this may be a cultural thing, given, where I'm from?) As for shrieking, okay, but I find the fell into the sand a bit difficult to have actually happened. It seems a little too dramatic to me.
Not sure how it works, but can you not call the police or something when your car breaks down and you're stuck? Or like some emergency numbers?
Anyways, that's about it. Do PM me if you have the next part of it up. I'd love to know the rest of the story.
Cheers,
Lava
There was really good writing in this, and I really like it, however, I was a little confused as to the time travel part. I'm not sure if i missed it completely, or if it's because the story isn't finished, or because it's 2 am (for me)...
There were a few stylistic issues, such as "She was barefooted, but ill-dressed for the beachy weather. She had worn a large sun hat, that had a flamboyant pink flower on it. She had on a burgundy overcoat and she wore khakis." In the middle of the passage, you switch from "had worn", to "she wore", so there's not an agreement in tense.
This may be just me, but i THINK the emphasis in “Can I help you?” should be placed on "help", rather than "you".
Finally , the line " As he did so, his paws left behind prints that could stay there forever if he'd wanted them too" confused me. Can the dog make his prints stay behind forever?
Overall, though, those are completely minor issues. I really enjoyed the writing, you have a good style and I really liked the writing.
Keep going! I would love to see where this goes. (I hope i didn't sound too negative, i really don't mean to).
thank you for the review and you don't sound negative at all! You actually sound quite helpful! About the time traveling bit: you didn't miss it, I just haven't put it in yet. That'll be in the next part. Sorry if the description was misleading. Thank you.
lots of good imagery and detail, but i failed to get hooked on the story cause i expected the time traveling aspect to be foreshadowed somehow in the beginning. Other than that i was anxious to read some time travel sci-fi.
Hey there! MysteryMe here for a review!
. I'm a sucker for imagery.
Just want to say, I LOVE all the detail in this. Honestly, I could see everything as it was happening because you did such a good job describing it. Your descriptions for the appearances of your characters (the dog and the woman) were also really well done. So, nice job
There were a few grammatical errors that I spotted, but it appears that the reviewer below me has already pointed some out, so I'll leave them be. But there is one point where you wrote, "I looked over my shoulder without saying anything to give her to give her the impression..." You repeated the words 'to give her' by mistake. Nothing big, of course.
When it comes to characterization, I feel you did a nice job. The main character was shown very well through his thoughts and actions, and the woman's words clearly gave the reader an insight into her personality. Of course, there is definitely some more I'd like to know about the two, but since this is an incomplete story I take it that you were planning on adding all that in later, so I'll let you off the hook.
Overall, I like this a lot! It was very good beginning, and it really left me wanting more, as all beginners should. Hope to see you post the rest of it soon!
Well, nice job! Keep writing!!!!
Hey there MooCowPoop,
I always see these messages that you posted something, so I decided I'd actually look at one for once. And I'm glad I did because I sincerely enjoyed reading it. You write with elegance and you have a great knack for describing the setting beautifully, with great vocabulary. I love it, and it also makes me able to picture what's happening so vividly. Great!
For this sentence to make sense that is a missing word between 'because' and 'grumpily'.
One thing I noticed is that, although you describe appearances and the setting very well, I don't know much about the main characters. Wouldn't you at least like to know the name of some stranger you're about to hop into a car with? I'm sure if I was that lady, it would be one of the first things to ask as I accepted the ride. Also, how old is the main character? Old enough to drive? I always imagined him as a child, for some reason.
You also use a lot of adverbs. Not that they're bad in entirety. But I hear a lot of she did this grumpily or angrily. If you watch people, how exactly do you know whether they are in a bad or good more physically? When the woman is angry maybe she faces the ocean with her back to him! I don't know? But make me feel the reader is doing something with anger, or in a grumpy mood. Don't tell me.
This was rather a great story. Great enough to be proud of! Looking forwards to hear whatever you write next
Deanie x
less adverbs more showy
how old? names?
Thank you for this review! You make a lot of valid points, especially that part about the characters. I think I will add more about them since you and @Bugslake pretty much said the same thing about them.
This is a really interesting beginning. I would totally like to read more about trench coat guy.
There was a part where I got slightly confused. It was when you switched from trench coat to guy with the dog. There should either be a break there or somehow you switch it from one to another. Or explain what the one man is. It was just confusing and I'm sure many others will be confused as well.
Other than that, very good job and I would like to read more to see where this goes.
Hello! Thanks for the review. Just some clarification: the one wearing the overcoat is a woman. The narrator of the story is a man. I haven't really said much about him yet because I was planning on revealing more about him throughout the story. Perhaps the transition from the description of the dog to the man holding out his arms was confusing because I change POV. I could definitely change that though. Thanks for the review!
Thanks for the clarification. Really helped. Your welcome for the review.