Published February 28, 2009
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140,890 Literary Works • 673,704 Reviews
I really enjoyed your story! I love zombies
they are so cool! do u have a a sequel?
if not you should make one.
It does lack just a teeny bit but other than that
it rox
See, I thought about that, but the ending lacked the certain random style that the rest had, and seeing daylight is a bit serious.
Thanks for the advice, though!
Good job, I was very entertained. I was going to nitpick it but Pippiedooda pretty much covered all that. As for the ending, what if you got rid of the last two sentences? So that it just ended with you seeing the daylight beyond the bagpiper. IDK, I think that would make a pretty strong ending, because as it stands I agree with you. The ending is off. Hope that helped and good luck with the contest.
Zombies in my universe are only able to say "Brains". That's why they had to use a synthesized voice to spread propaganda, and why the zombie answered the phone like that.
Good job! Except one part were the Zombie Watch Committee guy answers the phone saying "Brains?" Wouldn't one be a bit suspicious? Strange way to awnser the phone i think
Nice. So it lacked desciption, imagery, soul, depth, all that... But I suppose that was the point, hmm? It made me smile
I can't really criticise much, which rather defeats the purpose of a critique, but just mention that to get the comedy over more, you should try not to over-emphasise. Subtely is key... hey, what am I talking about? Zombies & subtlety?
Woops sorry
meant to say 'their head'
sorry about that! I thought that it would be better to say they and their as you have already referred to them as a person and so to then say 'it' sounded a bit odd to me. Just my preference though
Thank you, Pippiedooda and Crazy Sock Lover (117) for your reviews. I feel informed.
Just one question, though.
Why am I making it plural?
As you already say 'the person' I would change 'It appeared' to they appeared and 'missing its head' to they're head.
I like this, but if I'm being picky isn't it possible for someone to scream in a dream and not wake up? I think you could make this part a bit better by saying how they tried to wake themselves up- pinching themselves? jumping up and down?
This makes it sound as if the bedroom is already locked- I'd say about hiding in their bedroom and locking the door behind them.
I think you could add a bit of thoughts here from the MC, surely they would be very confused right now and giving the reader insight into what is going through their head would be effective. It might be nice to add a bit more detail to how they are under the bed-covers- are they shaking? Huddled into a ball?
You missed out an 'In' at the beginning here.
I'm not that keen on 'and then', maybe 'I started to wonder' would work better.
Because its supposed to be something really awful I'm not sure if 'noticed' is the right word- maybe 'Then the stench hit me'.
I'd get rid of 'And' at the beginning and instead of having 'I called 911' on a sentence of its own, I'd change it to 'dialling 911' with a comma instead of a full stop before it.
I'm not sure about the 'listened to peoples emergencies all day'- something like 'who received regular urgent calls' could be a better replacement.
Where is the flyer when their gaze falls upon it? Wouldn't it come through your door instead of on it?
I'm not sure what you mean by 'find me afterward'.
I'd put the text that they're reading in italics.
Instead of just 'all the grape juice I had' I'd say something like 'all the cartons of grape juice I had'.
I like your description here but you kind of say that the grape juice spilled everywhere twice
You need a comma after disgusting.
I wouldn't really say that you wouldn't know there were any zombies around because of the smell, as you have just said their nose shut down I think it would be a while before they could smell properly again, so maybe they could just tell from looking around?
As you have just said moved I'd change one of them to something else.
This sounds a bit wrong to me- how do you know it was supposed to be kept in a tight bun shape? Maybe instead you could say about her hair coming loose from what would have been a tight bun.
I'd leave out the 'however'- I don't think you need it.
Stephen Hawkings voice is computerised so you can't computerise it more- which is how this sentence sounds. If you added a comma after computerised and put style on the end of Stephen Hawking it might make more sense.
As the voice is trying to stop people from thinking of Zombies as differently to humans I would not say 'your Martin Luther King', instead just saying Marting Luther King.
I'd get rid of beginning sentences with 'And', they work just as well without it.
'a odd' needs to be an odd
I'd say nostrils instead of nose- just my preference so ignore me if you think differently
As you have just said that the screen flickers on I'd change the flickered here so as not to repeat the word.
I'm not that keen on this sentence- either 'I halted' or 'I stopped running' might work better.
Love the ending!
Overall comments: I think you have done brilliantly writing this, I was grinning all the way through. You have managed to turn something creepy into something very funny
In other stories I would advise adding more description to a piece like this- how does the cavern they are in look? What is the character feeling? What does he look like? And although I think you could add more of this in, you don't really need all that much as its a different style piece that works well as it is. It doesn't have to be realistic because its entertaining
You have done well in sentence structuring and punctuation- you definitely have a skill for writing.
Hope I've helped! *Star*
That was really entertaining. I seriously though that was awesome. Your voice really comes out in your writing, and it's pretty descriptive! You gave enough description so that I could see the setting but still see it in my own way.
I really liked it. scottish music- now that was original.
What you said about the ending was true though. Its just a little... 'Is that it?'. it would be fine if you kept it the same. Maybe try something like: 'I did a quick victory dance. And then I went home for a spot of tea'. No wait, dont use that. The ending is fine.
I really enjoyed this (has that not gotten through to you yet) mainly because of my childhood fear of zombies. (That still exists)