Young Writers Society

Yea Melissa nice story! She is my aiater she is the most awesomest eva! No cuss words aloud!

Hey, Monki!

I had this dream. I was on my bike, just pedaling, frantically looking for something. I don't remember what it was. Maybe I didn't even know what I was looking for.

I knew this place, but it was so... different in this dream. Almost like I didn't know it.

There were trees; tons of them. And the roads were left unpaved and scattered with strays leaves, so unlike how I remembered it. There were no cars, no street signs, no houses, no forms of human life, or any sort of life for that matter.

wondering if I should tell her that it's me.

After about an hour of running around unnamed streets, I came to a stop in the middle of the dirt road, screamed to the sky, and threw my phone at a tree to the side of the road.

Uncaring

Hey Monki

I had this dream. I was on my bike, just pedaling, frantically looking for something. I don't remember what it was. Maybe I didn't even know what I was looking for. I love dreams for this reason. They can be such trivial things, yet they carry within them deep meaning. You incorprate the two of them in this sentence brilliantly I love this as an opener, mainly due to the trivial/ philosophical balance of the sentence.


All the streets, I knew them. They looked [s]so, so[/s] You don't really need either of these sos, but you could use one if you want, just be careful not to make the sentence redundant familiar, but I was starting to panic. I knew this place, but it was so... different in this dream. Almost like I didn't know it.


There were trees; tons of them. And the roads were left unpaved and scattered with stray[s]s[/s]No need for stray to be plural, unless you're using it as a verb even then it's not plural though, it's just got an s on the end, lol. leaves, [s]so[/s]No need for that so again! unlike how I remembered it. There were no cars, no street signs, no houses, no forms of human life, or any sort of life for that matter.


I became exceedingly more frantic Erm... too many words methinks , searching for anything to comfort me, to tell me I wasn't alone.


The funny thing about the whole thing, though, is that the dream was completely in black and white, like those old films at the drive-in theaters. Except for me. I was the only thing containing any color whatsoever. The leaves that had so often changed colors according to season now only contained various bleak shades of black and white. I love the idea to make you colourful, and everywhere else black and white, it portrays both what the narrator believes of herself and what the world believes of her, if you get what I mean, lol.


I can only imagine where every other person on Earth was and what could've possibly been running through their minds. And, all at once, my bike screeched to a halt. Almost as if against my will, I hopped off and looked around.


I didn't see anyone. Was this some kind of sick joke? Was I being punked?


I screamed, "Okay guys! You've gone way overboard with the pranks this time! You can come out now!" Somehow, I secretly knew no one was coming out of hiding this time.


No one came out from behind the trees, or came running around the corner screaming, "Gotcha', loser!"


And then, I really realized that there was no way this was a prank. There was no way they could pull off something like this.


So... what was I supposed to do?


As if by instinct, I checked my pockets. I had a few dollars, a piece of gum, and... my cell phone!


I flipped open my cell phone and went to my contacts list. There were no names or numbers in it. Well, just one.


Becca.


My first thought was: Huh?


And my second thought: Becca's been dead for two years...


Out of curiosity, I called the number. I hesitantly lifted the phone to my ear as I waited for, well, I don't know what I thought I was going to hear.


But someone picked up. After the sixth ring, someone said, "Hello?"


It was Becca.


I couldn't find the words. My face went numb. My mouth became dry. I couldn't process what was happening.


"Hell-oooo?" she spoke again.


I didn't want her to hang up. I finally found my voice and managed to stammer out, in a low whisper: "Hello?"


"Who is this?"


For some reason, I debated with myself for a few seconds, wondering if I should tell her that it's me. Her best friend. The girl she loved like a sister, loved enough to die for.


I answered, "It's me. Kelsey."


There was a long gap of silence. Then, something that sounded like a sob being held back.


She began to speak again, but all I hear was, "I am---", before the call was dropped.


"FUCK! God dammit! Work, you fucking piece of shit!"Ha! A little too much swearing? I ran around screaming and cursing, looking for a signal. I couldn't find one anywhere.


After about an hour of running around unnamed streets, I came to a stop in the middle of the dirt road, screamed to the sky, and threw my phone at a tree to the side of the road.


To my surprise, it shattered as if it were as delicate as glass. Had I not been having a crisis, I would've been fascinated.


But I was too frustrated and tired to care.


Uncaring of anything anymore, I laid down in the middle of the road, spread out my arms, and fell asleep.

Hell, Monkey, you write well. I really don't think you need much help with this piece, as I found it to be remarkable, intriguing, and any other positive compliment you might want to add.

There's only one nitpick that I must add to Springrains':

She began to speak again, but all I hear was, "I am---", before the call was dropped.

To my surprise, it shattered as if it were as delicate as glass.

Juniper! (I've always wanted to call you that...) Thanks for reviewing as you said you would. :] No! You're going to follow along and... *gasp* make sure I continue this? I never continue. It's kind of a hobby of mine. Writing stuff and never finishing them. xD (Although I'd love it if I could finish something for once.) <3 Thank you for the review.

Dallas > Thank you so much for the review. :] Ha ha. I'm not so good with detail, but I guess that's my weakness as a writer. I'll work on it and once I edit this/put another part up, I'll let you know, if you want.

Thanks, everybody, for the reviews. :] I didn't really think I'd get any...

Great work, though try to be more involved in your work. It is as if you are detatched, outside of your work. Put your heart and soul into writing and it will seem more vibrant.

I must agree with girlwithquestions here. The story needs a bit more detail to make it seem more realistic. It might also help to give a sense of verisimilitude (the ability to make a work seem more real and true), such as adding a location(where is the setting?) or even a familiar shop or something(McDonalds, etc).

It sounds nice and mysterious. I'm looking forward, as a hardcore writer and reader(though fairly new to this site), to see the next part.

Monkiiiiiii! It's June here!

Now, I don't think I've reviewed much of anything by you, and if I have, it was probably poetry? Anyway! Let's tear this up!

All the streets, I knew them.

They looked so, so familiar,

[s]So...[/s] what was I supposed to do?

Had I not been having a crisis

:] Thanks.

Hmmm. This sounds like it will turn into a really good story.
I liked how you put that the Becca girl was dead, and then all of a sudden she answered the phone. I was like....what?

And then I reminded myself it was a dream.

My only advice would be to add a little more detail, on how things looked, sounded, how your character felt. It makes you more connected to the story.

Good start!!! =]