Young Writers Society

Hi, Monki, nice to meet you!

Now, to what I think:
The opening paragraphs were really well-written. Very... analytical. And I'm sure many people can relate to it. It was not so much 'beautiful prose' but is effective for the sort of contempory YA fiction you're clearly aiming for.
After that though, when you slipped into present day and all the dialogue... Without offending you here, I hope, it was quite clumsy. It was like you had less interest in it and became just a conversation really. It was a letdown.
Conclusively, please put more love and affection into those last few paragraphs! They deserve it! hehe.
Well, good luck and best regards.

L

Hey Monki!

Generally your grammar is all right, but I'm not a big fan of your phrasing and punctuation. I understand that sometimes we just think in choppy sentences, but that doesn't necessarily translate into good prose.

An example:

You want to get over it, forget about it. But, you can't. The subject is always brought up somehow. Everywhere you go. It's all that anyone ever talks about. Even when they're not talking about him, everything reminds you of him. Everything.

What do you do when you like a guy, but you know it doesn't really matter? He doesn't like you. He likes someone else.

Sometimes, you just want to let go of it, get over it. Other times, you don't. You want to cry and cry until it's all over. Until you've drowned the world in your sorrow.

Now, you couldn't care if he had cooties or germs or a deadly disease. He was perfect.

Just her way of telling me that she missed me. But, what's to miss?

"Will you just STOP moping? OMG, what is your problem? Just get over it. If he can't see what's right in front of him, he's not worth it," she consoles me.

This is her one chance to help me and I'm not listening. Mostly because she's not doing a good job of it, but... she's trying. She's usually the one with the problems that I fix. For once, it's not like that.

Okay, so I pretty much love this. I can totally relate to this, except I knew the guy was a complete jerk..but he commanded my life anyway. He knew I liked him, even though I never told him, so he would tell me I had to do stupid things (this was while we were talking on AIM) or he would block me. I would always say no, but eventually I would do it, haha. But whatever, I got over it like, a year ago, and now he sits next to me in homeroom and I don't even talk to him. That's life, huh? But anyway, enough about me, more about you, lol. This story was awesome, great emotion. I'm a really crappy reviewer, unlike yourself, I have a bad eye for grammar and whatnot. But, I figured I'd give some good ole positive feedback anyway.

I love what Payton says because it is something someone in real life would do, and shows how good friends they are. With the dialogue you can see their personality, which is a good thing too. The little intro was good as well and caught my attention. You've got me hooked!

I feel truth behind it. I hate reading something and knowing it's completely fake and that it in fact doesn't stem from experience at all. This didn't have that.

I loved every inch of it. And I especially sensed the strong bond of friendship between the main character (I assume it's you and that this was written from actual experience) and Payton. You can tell by the way she says "Hey retard," That they are best friends.

I agree that this is soemthing many girls can relate to, the feeling of uselessness and hopelessness. God knows I've felt it before. Overall, I loved it but I didn't know what to call it. Was it a short story? Was it a journal entry? I didn't quite catch that.

No clear issues in puncuation or grammar.

ALthough this is deeply emotion I understand, you may also want to be careful as I have heard many many many variations of the same story. After time, some critics may become tired of hearing this and they'll just call it crap. I don't do that because I feel like you deserve to hear what's good and what's bad. So that's a thing to watch out for. I'd like to look at some of your other work to see if it's similar to this and I think I will.

Happy writing! And thanks for reading my opinions.
9/10

I am SO glad that I'm getting such positive feedback and some constructive criticism!

Yeah, I don't really like typing in chat-speak. It's not appealing.

Thanks everyone! If anyone ever needs a critique, let me know. I'm trying to work my way up to instructor.

personally, i like the OMG.
it adds to her personality.
because i know its not just how you type because you spell everything else out.
i like it.
but yeah, i guess we need to get to know payton a little.
but woo !
this is amazingg, cant wait to read more [:

Hello again. Ok I see what you mean by OMG, it makes sense now.
So sorry about that.
And if you feel the short sentences describe our emotions best than leave it like that.

And yes best of luck with this novel!!! Hope you get into your Creative Writing Class!

Wow! Thanks you guys. For my creative writing class, my teacher wants us to start writing a novel. She says by June 1st she wants us to have at least five chapters. I think this is going to be what I write my novel on.

I thought the choppy sentences went rather well with this story. Because this story is really based on my real life at the moment, and when I'm writing about him that's just how I write. Except, I'm changing the names a bit. I changed my best friend's name to Payton in this story. Her real name's Breana.

If you guys have any suggestions about anything, just let me know. I really want this to be my first novel. Since this novel is based on my real life, it has a huge impact on me. I've been writing this off and on, because since I'm writing about my real life, I go to school, see what happens with him and then I add it to this novel.

Thank you both for the reviews. I didn't know people would actually love it! I'm going to be a freshmen in August and I decided to apply to be in an Honors Creative Writing class, but to be in it, you must have teacher reccomendation, you must write a letter saying why you want to be an author, and you have to give them a two page excerpt of your writing. I gave them this excerpt. I hope they think it's "worthy". At the end of the class, you have a chance to get your book published. It's a really cool thing.

<3,
Monki

I just have to say....Wow. I LOVED it!

I think the choppy sentences fit well with this story, because I know from experience that when you have a MAJOR crush [or really really really like someone], that's usually how you think (well, at least I did). Also, it's those choppy sentences that usually have the most impact, so... I like them.

Keep up the good work!

I like the little intro thing you draw us all in with. I can totally relate myself to her. Everything is so cute and I like the reality of this. As far as I know, there are no super popular girls who carry the most expensive handbags and wear the most expensive clothes. There aren't any wildly out of place events either.

All of the sentences add more characterization to Pashton and/or the guy the narrator likes and/or the narrator herself.

Good job and keep it up :]

Thanks. I actually planned on describing Payton further later.

As for what you called chatspeak (OMG), that is part of her dialogue. How she speaks. I have many friends who talk like that. It's actually very realistic. Sometimes I even speak like that, instead of actually saying 'Oh my, God'. To tell you the truth, I am actually usually very petty about this, but if it's part of the story, it's part of the story. And that's just how Payton speaks.

Choppy sentences. Lol. I kind of noticed that as I was writing this, but I wanted to see what everyone else thought. I'll try to work on this.

Thanks for the critique.

Cute. I could actually relate to this as I've often fallen for guys who are clueless to even what my name is :S.

Overall I found the grammar okay.

Just one small thing:

"Will you just STOP moping? OMG, what is your problem?