The voice

Hi Moniker,

Welcome to the site! I like this poem of yours because its flow makes it sound somewhat lyrical, and that makes it catchy. And on top of that, you never actually mention what is it that you're talking about (although, we all reckon we know), which gives this piece some suspense. That is good; suspense should be catchy. Although, I've been hovering like a helicopter over your lines and I have a suggestion for you... But first I'll start off telling you about an observation I have made (it may or may not be accurate): most of the time, the first line we write into our poem is not the best, for it functions as a trampoline that facilitates our jumping (our writing). Considering this poem has some suspense, I would somehow try to exaggerate it by switching the first two lines with the third and the fourth lines:

Moniker wrote:Always filling you with dread

Weakening you, wearing you down;

It's always there

In the back of your head (perhaps, you can use the word "mind" for it to flow better)

This is an interesting poem, with a good idea behind it but I do think it could have been revised a bit to really bring it up to the next level. Some imagery perhaps, and in general some more elaboration. On the positive side though I did like the end stanza, particulary the last sentence.

Keep up the good work;

LGF.

This piece didn't leave the effect on me that I was expecting it would. I like the idea of it, it's a strong theme but the way it was written didn't leave me in awe. I feel like the language could have been a bit more advance, and sentence structure is lacking. The way it reads makes me think of those exercises in English when the teacher asks you to correct the sentence fragments.

"It's always there"
----I would revise this to read 'It is," sometimes using contractions gives of a bit of laziness.

"But...."
----If my memory serves me correctly I believe there are only supposed to be three dots when used in formal writing. Also, I think there are supposed to be spaces between them. For example, instead of "..." it would be " . . . " Then again, I'm not sure of the rules of using ellipses but I'm sure it's something you can Google up.

Also, the words have strong meaning, but I think it'd leave a little bit more impact on the reader if you could add a bit of imagery; for instance, how does the voice in the back of your head wear you down? Physically? What kind of effects does it being there have on your well being? Be specific!

Okay, I don't think I have anything else to say. You did an amazing job and I can't wait to see more from you.



-hsam

Gallifreygal11 commenting/reviewing/editing/critiquing,

This may be the most realistic, true poem I have ever read. I know exactly what it means. I have that voice it follows me everywhere. No matter where I go it is always there, and I am so glad that someone has finally told the world about it! I wish there were more poems like this. Okay now to the actual poem. The imagery is great. The rhyming is great. The wording is great. The vocabulary is great. The lining is great. It is just all great! I only have one edit, I am not a huge fan of the line with the
"Weakening you, wearing you down.

But....

It makes you stronger, makes you wise"
I think you could do a lot more on that "But...." line. I have read your work, so I know you are talented, creative, smart and able to come up with something more for that line. I hope you write tons more pieces like this one! I loved it! I can't wait to see your new pieces. Keep going! And if you need any help, (I noticed you just joined) I am totally here for you! Keep it up with all that great work!

Gallifreygal11 OUT!

Okay. Okay. Okay.
This just hit me like a freight train because yesterday I went to Six Flags and there was a super annoying voice in my head and it was being all "you're gonna die if you go on that ride" and then it seemed to switch to another voice that told me it was going to be fine. Anyways all in the end I didn't have a choice to listen or not to listen to the voice because, well, my friend decided to drag me on Batman and Nitro and Bizzaro and every single roller coaster..
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I really liked this poem. It was short and sweet and cut right to the main objective. This poem can relate a lot to people who are feeling down about themselves or even excited and nervous. It shows lots of emotions and explains what this voice can do and how the reader could relate to it.
Maybe this voice is their conshense(omg what. Idk how to spell) or maybe it's one of their parents or friends voice.
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Nitpicks:
The period after down doesn't have to be there, but if it's there for emphasis by all means leave it.
And after but, where you have like five ...., you only need 3. Anymore than that makes the section seem childish almost.
But.....
But...
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I really did like this piece though. Keep on writing •

Interesting poem, I must say. Leaves me with a question: what is the voice. Why does it cause one to feel such things?
Short and to the point, I like that.
Hmm not much to review but perhaps you can shed some light on why the voice causes "you" to feel dreadful yet fearless.
One nitpick: the period in the sentence after "down" does not need to be there since there are no other periods in the poem.
Have the readers FEEL what you mean not just read it. I can read dread but how would I feel it. Maybe you just wrote it that way so the rhythm would be consistent which is good too. I would love it if you could review my work. I'm sure you'd have good ideas.
Great poem! Keep writing