The Illusion

Jack here for a review on your lovely poem.

I don't really know what to say about your piece here, it is very interesting, and I am intrigued by what you have written her, at the start I felt like I was reading some poem about magic, then it goes on about freedom, and jobs, which was a nice twist, made it feel like there was a bigger picture to this poem, which I am always a big fan, of big picture, I feel like it makes the poem/ story go that much further.

I felt though the way you ended wasn't very good, it didn't make me feel content, it made me want more, but in a bad way, I didn't know fully what you were talking about, and I felt that you could have added a lot more to this poem, added a few more stanza's, which would make this poem, one better, and two make the reader feel like they just read something great.

I like a lot of your lines in this poem, and I really think they were well written, and I hope that I get the chance to read more of your poems, I get what you are getting at with this poem, trying to hint at how everything in America is just a big lie, though this is the first I have heard of, maybe because I am from Australia. But either way it kept me interested throughout the whole poem, and maybe if there was that small bit more, I would have really enjoyed it, to a larger amount. So thanks for sharing this with me, I really appreciated reading this.

It is a thumbs up from me, and remember always keep writing no matter how bad you are, but in your case you aren't bad!!

Have a great day!!

Jack

Ok, right off the bat: Why do you just start it off with synonyms of illusions?

The problem I have with this piece in particular is that fact that instead of a normal person who gives too much description, you give the reader only bone. You have the skeleton of a fascinating political poem, but because you're using choppy stanzas, and short lines, the reader can't get fully involved in the message you're trying to get across to them. So, in short, meat up your poem!
Add interesting vocabulary, go crazy with some metaphors, expand beyond this simple structured piece! You have the bones to an amazing work, don't let it go to waste!
I wish you luck!
~Maddie

Let's dance.

Okay, so I like the topic you chose. But I don't like the way you presented it to us. It's too telly and there's just nothing there. It's a bunch of words smashed together that should make a pretty good poem, but there's not remarkably poetic about them. In fact, it's very pedestrian language that just does absolutely nothing as a poem. Maybe as a paragraph in a political essay, but not a poem! Your flow is strange and mix-matched. You go from something very disjointed, to something that flows. "If you come to an America" isn't grammatically correct, by the way. I think that line would work better if you said "If you live in America and get a promotion"... That way you're covering both the people naturally born in the US and the immigrants. Your punctuation is all over the place and frankly annoying. If you're not going to use it, don't. If you're going to use it, do. Don't do half-and-half because it completely disrupts your poem and makes it look choppy and elementary. Everywhere throughout the poem, you have normal capitalization (except for the capitalization of 'freedom') and then we get to the last line and you're caps "They're" for absolutely no reason. You cap it as though giving them an actual persona, but you don't continue that theme throughout the poem. Literally the line before, you have 'they're' once again and it's not capped. You use the same words throughout the entire thing instead of expanding your imagery with different words and ways of saying things. There's nothing original about it at all. It's very simply just there with nothing there to make me remember it or want to read it again. It wasn't thought provoking.

It's a great topic, just not a great delivery.