Tomorrow?
I don’t lack the ambitions,
I don’t lack the sense of mind,
I simply lack the motivation,
And I’m starting to fall behind.
I see my goal ahead of me,
Moving at a steady pace,
An image of what I could never be,
Am I losing this race?
It’s within an arm’s length,
But it is still so far,
Do I need more strength?
I never expected it to be this hard.
The finish line falls near,
My goal is to transpire,
It is so clear,
That I am so dire.
It has passed the deadline,
And I am filled with sorrow,
I have failed this assign,
Maybe I can make up for it tomorrow?
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Hey Money! I was so happy to see you posted this! For a beginner (ish) poet, using rhyme was brave! It can be difficult to pull off gracefully.
I don't always like to do a line-by-line review; part of the reason is because if I get very specific and they make a lot of changes, it might not be relevant. But hopefully some of my more technical tips will carry through to other pieces you write. I think I'm going to work my way through most of it that way (line by line), and then give you more of my overall thoughts.
"Tomorrow? <<< I'm not sure why this has a question-mark after it. Seems more like a certainty to me, certainty that they'll wait til tomorrow.
I don’t lack the ambitions, <<<< "ambition"
I don’t lack the sense of
mind, <<<< I don't know if this was moved onto the next line on purpose? "Sense of mind" is very vague. Maybe you wanted "mind" to rhyme with "behind" but I didn't know what it was supposed to mean.
I simply lack the motivation,
And I’m starting to fall
behind. <<<< I think you can take out "And." Unnecessary, and the rhythm will flow better.
I see my goal ahead of me,
Moving at a steady pace, <<< I think you meant for this to mean that "I" is moving at a steady pace, but the way it's punctuated, and the order, sounds like "goal" is moving at steady pace.
An image of what I could never be, <<< What does that look like? One of a poet's best tools and resources is the five senses. Appeal to them, draw them in; let us know what your subjects smell, feel, taste, look, and sound like. We'll see everything in a whole new light, which is exactly what you want. Fresh perspective.
Am I losing this race?
It’s within an arm’s
length, <<< should be on the same line as the last, yes? Avoid using the word "It." Pronouns are too ambiguous--especially "it."
But it is still so far, <<<< Again, "it."
Do I need more strength? <<<< You use a lot of rhetorical questions, and the answer seems pretty obvious, most of the time. Instead of using so many questions, say something definitive!
I never expected it to be this hard. <<<< "it"
The finish line falls near,
My goal is to transpire, <<< "transpire"? Transpire means "to happen." I'm not sure that's the wording you meant here; it sounds like you just wanted something to rhyme with "dire." Like I said at the beginning, rhyme is hard to pull off, and so far you've done a good job! Just be careful that you use the right words, not just words that rhyme.
It is so clear, <<< "It." This line doesn't say a lot. There are more creative, visually appealing ways to say it.
That I am so dire. <<< Same comment that I made about "transpire."
It has passed the deadline, <<< "It."
And I am filled with sorrow, <<< I think there's a better choice than "sorrow." It sounds melodramatic.
I have failed this assign, <<<< Awkward wording. It should be "assignment." Don't make sacrifices for rhyme! Using the best words is more important than making the poem rhyme. I'm not saying you shouldn't write rhyming poems, but maybe it would be easier to polish your poetry writing skills a bit before trying it
Maybe I can make up for it tomorrow? <<< I like this closing line. It illustrates the whole idea of procrastination. You spent the whole poem talking about how you procrastinated and it's past the deadline, and all this, and then you end saying that you'll worry about it later--still procrastinating. Great. =)
So, all in all, I think you're off to a great start! Things to work on: don't make sacrifices for rhyme! Keep using it if you want to, but make the you're also using the best, most appropriate words. Also, thinking about using more imagery--try to appeal to the 5 senses. The easiest is probably visual; make us see what you're saying. Make us hear it, taste it, feel it, etc. You want this to be original, fresh, give the audience your unique perspective as vividly as you can.
Keep writing dear!
Thanks for the review Adna. In all honesty, I want to go back and fix up my poem, make it smoother, but then I want to be able to look back after sometime, and see how far I've come. I really appreciate everything you said, all of the tips and advice, as I know they'll help me in any of my future poems! If I do take this poem and edit it, I'll make sure to use most, if not all, of your tips and advice, but I really just wanted this as a starting point for me, does that make sense? I appreciate all the advice! c:
Oh 100%! I try to make my reviews helpful to the writer's poetry in general...though this sounded a bit more specific I realize. But you can, hopefully, take it and apply it to anything you write. I know exactly what you mean about starting points. Not to say you shouldn't revise this, but I know when I first started I just built off of my beginning poems to write better new ones and didn't really revise the old. But at the same time, it's good to practice revising too. I rarely go back and edit poems of mine, and that's something I need to work on. And keep in mind, I'm certainly not the final word in poetry, so take everything I say with a grain of salt. The more you write (and read) poetry, the more you'll develop your own instinct.
Hahaha, I can relate to this very well. Thank you for putting my feelings into words for me! It's a great poem.
I just see a few slips of rhythm that are a bit jarring.
Perhaps this could be "But it is still so far,". The rhythm needs a couple more syllables to feel 'complete.'
I don't think I quite understand these lines. I can't really understand a person being dire, as the word usually describes a circumstance, or how your goal is to occur. The second quoted line also interrupts the flow of the rhythm, though I don't know how to help since I just don't seem to understand these lines. xD
I agree that 'assignment' is too long to fit here, but calling it "assign" is jarring to me. It might be jargon from someplace I do not live, however, so if that's the case then it's fine.
This line is perfect. I absolutely love it. It describes me completely, and it is said in such a perfect way. I really like your poem overall, but this line is simply fantastic. It describes the poem perfectly in that one sentence.
I like your suggestion for the first line, changing it to "But it is still so far" but the one after, using dire, I meant it as a way to describe the way he feels, the circumstance, that after trying so hard in the circumstance, he is still losing, still too unlucky. I used assign as a way to, add diversity in a way, I thought it was more fitting then any other words to be honest :p I really appreciate your input though! You have been really, eye opening for me. c:
-Vinnie
I'm very glad I could help! That's all I aim to do. ^^ Help and encourage.
And if you ever need critique or encouragement, I will be here. 
I think I do see what you meant by dire now. I'm not sure if that is how it is meant to be used (it may be correct usage that I am just not familiar with), but I do think that it fits now that you have explained it.
Please keep on writing!
Thanks for the words of encouragement Sinaryn! It really does mean a lot!
Good job! I am glad someone feels the same. we all can relate some way or another and you worded it so beautifully and the rhythm and flow was so great. You had matched the words together well. I love how you used great description. I am a true procrastinator. I don't even do anything. I can give you advice as a procrastinator. It is to actually take the initiative its not even about feeling good about yourself. That wont work in conquering it its about taking action.
It's nice to know other people feel the same as me xD I could probably give you advice as a procrastinator as well! Or at least I would try to, anything to pass the time am I right? c; Thanks!
This was really good. I can directly relate because I am a procrastinator. I know exactly what's happening in here, and that particular fact makes me feel connected. That draws your readers in. As for the fact that this is your first poem, you did a really good job.
I really didn't find any nitpicks, but the spacing between stanzas is pretty lengthy, so that takes your reader's attention away from the actual poem.
I was actually expecting something else entirely, but this was a pleasant surprise.
Good job, and keep writing!
Thank you!!
You have no idea how much you saying it was good means to me :p c: thanks!
Trust me, I know the feeling all too well, but you're welcome ^^
This is my first poem, I tried my best, but with the plaguing feeling of worthlessness in my mind, it was rather hard ;p Thanks in advance for any advice!