Published April 15, 2009
Do I love I don't know
He doesn't act like i should show
Him the love I show
He sits with me at lunch one day
He ignores me the next day
I'm so confused should i like this dude
Or should I not
Cuz in my heart he'll always have a spot
I loke him a loti'm so confused
I mean what is it about this dude that is so...so...SPECIAL
does he love?
does he know I love him?
I'm so confused
So it makes me so confused
Do I really like this dude?
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141,249 Literary Works • 674,329 Reviews
To me, it really seems like your forcing the rhythm and rymthing. Also, to me, the line
"Does He Love?" makes no sense to me at all whatsoever. Also, you mispelled "love" Loke"
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I really liked the message of this poem, reminds me of a guy I know.
Also, the confusion semed a bit, untouched, you meotined it, the poem was based on it...but it didn't work for me.
Try using syn. like "baffle"
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Elaboration on the subject (making the poem a bit longer)
would also be nice.
It seems very, rushed to me.
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Yes, I am a hopeless romantic.
Hi Monakeya! Welcome to YWS! How you doing?
I'm Kat, nice to meet you, and I'll be your reviewer for today.
The first thing I noticed was: there's no punctuation! So, my thoughts on that are in bold.
Punctuation is important on a poem; it changes the way you read it and the way it sounds.
So, the second two lines are absolutely confusing and don't make any sense. I think you meant: "he doesn't act, like I should show him my love", or something like that. it's just badly worded.
In the last line, the tense is wrong. if you say one day, it should be either future or past. I would suggest pass. it would be like: "He sat with me, one day." But in the end, that line doesn't fit. it seems like a totally different subject or matter.
Oh! Now it does make sense. But for the reader to understand it, you should put the last lien of the first stanza, as the first line of this stanza. That way, it will be easily understood and the first stanza would stand like and introduction.
Again, punctuation in bold. the last lien doesn't fit with the above. Reword it.
So, you had some grammar issues and some more issues, but the real issue here is emotion. I can't feel anything! Crack in imagery! be original! Make me feel it.
This is a reasonable end. But it could be greater! Again, be a bit more creative. This subject has been used many times, so it's nothing new for us to read.
Overall: It was ok. it has potential: it could be so much more! You just need to polish it up a bit, and you'll be fine!
Sorry if it sound harsh.
Feel free to PM me if you need anything!
*Kat*
I won't lie. I dislike it. It seems as if your trying to rhyme, but can't keep a rhyme scheme, and to make matters worse it seems like you even tried to rhyme show with itself. I realise chances are it was an accident, but especially since its at the start then no where else, it makes it seem like something intentional that failed.
If it was just the random rhyme in the second stanza, I wouldn't of even looked twice as it would of just added to the poem.
As well, I'd put a question mark or a comma after the word love. It'd break it up nicely, and have a good place for the reader to stop. You might want to consider putting in some commas or periods in places(like at the ends of lines/stanzas) to help show the nice rhythm this poem seems to have.
I think you mean love or like not loke. As well
I think you mean lot I'm, not loti'm. As well, I'd put proper punctuation between the 2 words for some sort of break.
Second so, *at least for me* ruined the perfect rhythm your poem has.
Just one little thing... LOVE THE ENDING.
Bigger Picture: Besides the little rhyming thing at the start, and a few grammar errors, it is an incredible poem with a natural rhythm. I may nitpick, but its beautiful. Don't take anything I say too harshly. I promise you, you did incredible.
Overall
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I like it, and i can relate to it a bit I also love how it seems to cover two topics at once, though you should probably look over your spelling and grammar a bit next time =]
--Barrett