I wake again.
I am still in the room, but now that there is no creature, I can see it better.
The room is small, and made of fading wood. The sun sets through the tiny window on my right. A small table sits on my left with a screwdriver and a few screws that look…strangely like the metal I’m made out of on it.
The door opens slowly, and a pistol slides in. A hand and Kedan follow.
He walks warily to me. “How do you feel?” he says it as a statement, not a question.
“I cannot feel, but so you can understand, I feel quite good. Thank you for helping me, Kedan.”
“You’re welcome. Now can we have a conversation without you fainting or something?”
I nod.
“Okay. Why have you been fainting so much?”
“Because I have recently broken out of a laboratory where I have been tortured and tested.” I say.You may be wondering why I was being so open with him, but this man had helped me, and if he wished me harm, he would have turned me in to the authorities. “I was memory wiped, and I have been remembering things I had forgotten.”
He nods. “I understand.”
I think over what to say next. “One of the things I remembered was my fiancée. He…looked a lot like you. That’s why I fainted the first time I saw you.”
He nods again, but a bit slower. “What happened to him?”
“I thought he was dead, but now I think not.” I think again. “His name was Marcos Anders.”
Now it was Kaden’s turn to freeze in shock. “He-what?!”
I look down at the quilt that covered me in pink flowers and golden suns. “I-I believe you are my fiancée’s son, but not my son.”
Kaden shakes his head. “My dad was a man of his word. He wouldn’t break any promises he made, especially one of marriage. You must be wrong.”
He stands and leaves me to my thoughts.
Was he right?
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,027 Literary Works • 672,774 Reviews
Hey Momo, Alice is here to give a review!!!
Such a great shock it is to know that that guy...is her..fiancée’s son but obviously not hers.
You give us a good shock I must say. Good job, it was a nice read but there are some suggestions I would like to give.
SUGGESTIONS
I think you could have lengthen this part a bit. It is a pretty good shock to know that your father in the past was going to marry an another girl and you didn't knew that, so you could have wrote in detail how Kaden felt, I think it is not normal for his to recover so fast froma shock like this.
Like this there are so many parts where you just wanted to move to the next part as fast as you can, so just try to write in more details.
I think everything else is good, excited to read the next chapter. I hope this time you will post it soon!!!
Bye!!!
Thank you!
Heeeeello! Spunky here to review! its been a while though...
Grows
How can you say that sentence as a statement? It doesn't make too much sense to me.
Again, that doesn't make much sense. If you can't feel, why would you say you felt quite good? How does that make him understand?
A space is needed between the period and "You."
Besides that, this chapter seems a bit too short.
Glows
Great description! It's not too long, so it doesn't bore the reader, but gives enough detail to picture the scene. Also...that sentence that says the screws look like the metal Mari is made out of...I smell a plot twist in the future.
Oh, this is great, there is tension, and it makes us doubt whether Mari really remembers anything at all if Kedan is so sure that she is wrong. One thing though...you say his name is Kaden, but through the rest of the chapter refer to him as Kedan.
Overall
Great job! I really liked this chapter, but it was a bit short. By lengthening it a bit, it would improve a lot.
Thanks so much!
Of course!