chapter one:
a long time ago, i must have been at least 19, i met a boy by the name of Harry Dudly Jacobson. it’s still hard from me to talk about him, even at this bloody age. i suppose i should introduce myself, my name is Elizabeth Mary Jane St. Charles. it all started in the summer of 1948.
it all started when i moved in to my college dorm at Oxford University, i remember the first time i laid eyes on him, those amazing brown eyes. i stared at him as i put my books on the old book shelf my mother had given me, he was walking along the courtyard as he carried his books with pride. my eyes followed him until he went into my dorm building.
i finished getting organized, every once and a while looking out the window, until i heard a knock on my doors. 'hi, im Harry, im your roommate' he came and shook my hand, i didnt know that the dorms were unisex. 'hi, im Elizabeth, but please, call me liz' 'my dear, a name like Elizabeth it too beautiful, i couldnt bare to part with a singel syllable' i blushed.
i helped him configure his and i's things as we got to know eachother. 'so tell me, Elizabeth, what brings you too the wonderful city of Oxford?' 'well, my father is a liturature professor here, im majoring in historical lit. what about yourself?' 'physics' he pecked out the window and adjusted his glasses. 'looks like its getting dark out, fancy some dinner?' 'i would be delighted' as we proceded to a small dinner almost 400 feet away from the campus, i remember the feeling of security more well then i remember yesterday.
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hey there,
Puck here.
This is a good concept but you have to work on this.
# Every sentence should start with a capital letter.
# There's no such thing as " i ", it should " I "
# 'singel' should be 'single';
#'every one and a while' should be ' every once in a while' ( as far as my knowledge goes)
#'liturature' should be 'literature'
# 'his and i's' should be 'his and mine' (?)
# I don't suppose college dorms are unisex anywhere
# You could be a little more precise. YOU know Oxford has a lot of colleges but you don't mention which one the characters go to.
I'd really like to read more.
Keep writing.
Puck
Hey! Before I start I'd like to introduce myself. I'm Stellabeam, known as Stella and not to be confused with Stellathomas. I see you're new here so I also welcome you to the site.
Now for the piece, I like your overall idea and I think it's a good idea to start out with. You have some gramatical issues throughout the piece that should be easy to fix. Capitilizations, indentions and the like. I just want to point out one ore two that are more distaracting and take away from the overall feel of the piece.
Did you mean to say,
This is strange and awkward so I reccomedn to say 'configure our things' and get rid of 'his and i's '
Also in the 40's if a unmairried man and women lived together was absolutly scandlous and it definitly wasn't allowed in college dorms, they were prudes about that sort of things. If you want your story to be historically accurate take it out.
I hope this wasn't too harsh but I'd like to know what happens to your characters and the the story. Message me or post on my wall if you'd like any re-edits or update me on your story.