Hi there, Mochi.
This is quite good. I really like it. Your meter is really good, and you don't use an obnoxious rhyme scheme to reinforce it. That's good. That's real good.
That being said, there are a few things I'd like to address in your poem.
In my first read through, I wasn't sure of where the narrator was until the last stanza. Make it clearer in the first stanza that the speaker is in the attic. I suggest, instead of saying
Hidden behind the trees, up in the house's attic
You say:
Hidden in the house's attic, behind the poplar trees
The first thing you introduce in a line is always the most important. Which is why for the first two stanzas I thought you were "hidden behind the trees" (I added poplar to preserve the rhythm). Also, put a period at the end of that line so the next part isn't so run-on-y.
And down by the river, down by the rocks, down by the creek
The repetition is really working for me here. My only suggestion for this line is to make it the beginning of a new sentence, and omit "and" in the beginning.
The muddied clouds formed from the breath and water drops
Omit "the" before "breath" to preserve the meter.
I saw the beast form above the water
I think you should omit "form." It messes with the meter, and it doesn't really matter. You kind of described it forming at the end of the last stanza when you said the clouds stopped.
Left to remind me of some small sense of security, as it
I think you should change "some small sense" because it messes with the meter as it is. Also, I think the internal rhyme in this line should be closer together. Perhaps you could say
Left to remind me that I had little security, as it
But it's your choice. You're the poet.
As the beast continued on, jets of water and wind and land
This line is a little long. And you've mentioned water already. So if you omit "water and" you'll have a strange, vivid image. Even better, switch land and wind. So you'd have "jets of land and wind." A jet of land? Isn't that strange? The storm you're talking about seems to be pretty strong. I like strange images, and this is the perfect opportunity to use one to make your poem stronger.
this inorganic beast
Inorganic confused me. It's a very organic thing, is it not? It's made of nature. I don't think it's quite the right word to illustrate what you're getting at.
And I reached for a chair, in this deadened wood attic
this is definitely my favorite line. I can just see it so clearly. Lovely.
And the beast cocked his head, and stared back at me.
This is a great way to end the poem. It gave me shivers. Awesome.
I really enjoyed reading this. I hope this review was helpful. Happy poeting!
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