Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for violence and mature content.
"it's like i'm waiting for an atomic bomb...everyone around me is living life normally and...i'm the only one that knows its coming,"
For the first time she feels herself loosen.
"I know how bad it will be...," she says staring at her up turned palms "I know people will be hurt,"
He lights his second cigarette and wonders if she would mind but his thoughts tell him that she has almost forgotten he is in the room and listens as she continues to talk to herself.
"Every beat of my heart is a countdown...and then people will know....," she pauses so instantly as though she is choking "that I....that....,"
Her voice trails off and her once open palms turn into shaking fists.
Now she's looking into his eyes.
"People will know i loved you," He sees the tears in her eyes clearly. He could also see the many words aching to come out of her mouth; to voice more of her own fears.
He knows she won't speak them because to speak your worst fear might just....
He knows she is living in hell, a hell within her. Consuming, dominating, destroying.
He knows the bomb is coming.
"Then lets leave together," He pulls out the gun from his pocket and holds it just below her chin
"I'll follow you," he promises
She takes the gun out of his hand into her shaking one.
She shifts herself on the bed so that she is directly facing him and puts the barrel into her mouth.
Expecting a trigger, he tenses but instead she pulls it inches away from her mouth.
"i loved you, i know i've loved you life times before and in all those lifetimes we'd never made it," she inches the gun closer "Maybe next time,"
With a quick deep breath and a pull of the trigger her life is gone. Her memories scattered all over the bedroom floors and walls.
He continues to sit in the chair, now facing her lifeless form.
He reaches out with one arm and touches the ends her pyjama shorts and rubs away a spot of blood on the yellow duck patterns.
He isn't going to follow her.
As he gets up to leave, he wonders how many lifetimes it will take for her to realise that it never worked because he never loved her.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Wow, powerful stuff. That dudes an asshole.
But yeah, really good, well written and cleverly thought out, giving a strong, intelligent story. Really made me feel something, which is important, and I did not expect the ending, something that I always love - a good surprise.
I really enjoyed it, it was a good little story to read and has left me remembering it.
Well done and keep on writing:)
- Scribble
I read this short story earlier today and have had some time to think about it. I would love to take this idea and elaborate on it into something with greater depth. I loved this concept and the way you presented it.
Collaboration, maybe?
The ending, wow! I didn't expect it. I thought it'd be another Romeo and Juliet love story, but you proved me wrong. I loved your concept, and can see potential in it.
However, as others pointed out, you need to work on your grammar and punctuation errors as it distracts the reader from focusing on the story.
Moreover, as you included the story in the horror genre and rated it as 18+, I was expecting so much more from it. I think it should be slightly more gruesome.
Aside from that, well done, and keep writing!
Wow. I'm impressed. I actually felt like I was in the room. There were even time when I was both of the characters and then snapped to third person. Great writing. I have a few tips on grammatical thing if you don't mind. I'm only going to give one example.
In this sentence:"Her memories scattered all over the bedroom floors and walls."
You have created a point in the story where visual is everything. This sentence is a decent from a brutal nail biting climax. It deserves to be treated as such.
These word:"Her memories scattered all over", are brilliant but these words:" the bedroom floors and walls", are not. Now I'm going to leave it up to you to figure out the best course of action for what should be done. I did want to point out that from a horror fan perspective this scene is lacking in good solid understanding of brains being all over place. In my personal opinion the word use for the second half of the above sentence can be changed and I would be happy with the entire thing. I hope this helps.
Okay, this short story is super intriguing and cool to read. You have a way with words and I thin that it really sows through this poem. You intrigued me from the opening sentence by talking about an atomic bomb. That is how you start a story of with a bang (no pun intended). You have managed to captivate the readers attention for the very beginning and keeping it until the very end. So, good job!
I will say that your title was interesting and I sorta found it gravitational me towards your piece... I know weird way of putting it, but just go with it. I think that titles are super important to a story. While I am told to never judge a book by its cover, but I think that judging it by the title... Just a little. I think that the title makes people start to question your story and want to read it. You have managed to do exactly that so good job.
The story itself is really interesting and a new twist o an old idea. So, you have made a sorry about a secret and almost forbidden love pit into a new story and outline.. It really is a great idea and I thin that the execution was exceptional.
Other than a few grammatical errors there is nothing wrong with this. You have made a great story with a nice outline! The end was a great twist although I thought the dude was a jerk, but I can't help but feel that that was what you were going for.
Overall, rest story with a cool and different idea. Your title made it intriguing and your open ending line made me keep reading! You did an amazing job and have sick talent!
Keep writing bro.
~#41
I liked the story but you have a few grammar problems. You also have tense changes in a few sentences too.
What I really liked was how, instead of telling us that she flat out blew her brains out, you said "Her memories scattered all over the bedroom floor." I am a big fan of that.
Overall I like the story, the mood is conveyed really well and the plot is pretty gruesome (hence the category Horror). Good job bud