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Young Writers Society



Juice Boxes and Twizzlers

by Mjdwrite


Down the street probably not too far from your own home is a little blue house with a front porch that has dozens of holes in it and chipped brown and sky blue paint that falls a little bit more every time someone walks up the steps. Well in this little house lives Natalie Nefsky and her family.

Her brother Alex, a frumpy round boy in his early preteens, is in Boy Scouts and they are preparing for a big camping trip but the troope decided that they needed both parents for a meeting about the trip and a little mental preparation for both parties. Alex had his bag resting on the driveway next to the family car, his little face drooping with his eyelids every other second. Mom and Dad gave Natalie a long list of rules to keep in mind as they double checked their pockets and purses for the four hour meeting supplies from the list they created in the spare time they don't have. Natalie resisted the urge to roll her eyes and demand the three musketeers our of the driveway.

"Natalie," Mom stopped fiddling with her purse to say her daughter's name and then continued her endless search for non-existent items. "You know that Diana's party is next weekend and we already have your dress. Try not to eat super fattening stuff and stick to water at least for today. You are so close to fitting honey! We can't risk an extra lump her or there now can we?" Natalie Closed her eyes slowly and bit the inside of her lip.

"Yes Mother. I understand." Natalie despised Diana but she was the daughter of Mom's boss and the girls worked on being kind only for their mothers' satisfaction. This party though interfered with what would have been Natalie's first date and so she hated the party all the more. "I believe Alex is waiting Mother."

Mom looked to the backseat of the car to see young Alex with his head propped against the window and his eyes glazed over as he stared silently into space. Dad had one foot in the car and one foot out, waiting as patiently as he could for his lunatic wife to get in the car.

Natalie waved slowly and silently as her family rode off down the rode. "Yes!" Natalie pumped her fists in victory as they rounded the corner. Natalie did her best attempt at a kartwheel to the porch, falling on her butt yet still feeling like a champion. The door greeted her like a respected servant and Natalie could imagine the butler, insisting that he open the door and take up her slippers which, in her mind, had become elegant high heels that made her feet sore. The brown and white couches transformed magically into vintage sofas, lounge chairs, fabulous little one-sided couches from Paris. The pink pajamas dotted with mini-monkeys turned into a beautiful white suit that flattered every imaginary curve. A ponytail rested on top of Natalie's head was let down, adjusting itself to marvelous, flowing, thick, shiny, volumtuous tresses, caressing Natalie's shoulders.

Natalie turned on the tv and began flipping through channels. She knew that Turner classic was doing a feature on the elegant ladies that impacted movie history and so she went straight to their channel. A Marylin Monroe movie was airing. She held a cigarette with a holder in her hand and wandered around the room with her head held high. Natalie bit her lip and imagined herself as in control and gorgeous as someone like Marylin Monroe. As the movie carried on, Monroe continued with her love life and her incredible party, enjoying the champagne, cigarettes and thousands of guests mingling in and out. The movie ended and Robert Osborne came around to talk all about the movie. Natalie loved ol' Osborne but she didn't feel like watching other people be grand anymore. The tv was turned off and the house sat in silence. It had be only 39 minutes since Mom and Dad had left.

Natalie wandered into the kitchen, a home within the home, and began rummaging through the pantry. "What can I eat with low fat? Air. Ugh!" Natalie fished around and found a package of Juicey Juice Juice boxes. "Why are there juice boxes? No one drinks them." Natalie looked up to the ceiling and sort of shouted up, "Mom! I'm not 10 and Alex decided a month ago that Juicey Juice is going to kill him one day! Why did you buy these?" Natalie tossed the package onto the island and kept looking. The only things of interest were a half of a bag of pretzels and one opened but full back of red twizzlers. Natalie carried the two bags to the counter and got a bowl from the cupboard. "I don't care Mom. I will starve myself on Friday if you are that worried about my dress but I am hungry." Natalie dumped a modest portion of pretzels and a few twizzlers into the bowl. She went to another cupboard and shopped for a cup to match her mood. At the top, Dad had two wine glasses for his and Mom's anniversary. Natalie clambered up onto the counter and reached for a wine glass. She picked it up as delicately as she could and set it down on the counter in front of her.

After getting down, Natalie picked up her glass and went to the fridge for some water. "The glass won't fit! I can't get it in the little machine! Natalie wanted to sit on the counter again and mope. She couldn't use the one thing to fit her mood. There on the counter, the boxes of Juicey Juice mocked her. The twizzlers and pretzels made the shape of her thoughts, messed up, tangled, and wrong. Natalie grabbed at the juice boxes, tearing of the plastic wrapping and pulling out two juice boxes. She held the boxes over the garbage can, high above her head, when she got an idea. She snatched the glass and opened a juice box. All of the light colored juice went into the glass, making an excellent illusion of champagne. Natalie threw the empty juice into the can with a victorious grin.

She placed the bowl on the dining counter and wandered around the house with her glass of "champagne". Her imagination was running wild. There were party guests all over holding marvelous small talk and keeping very good company when Natalie reached for a pretzel. Suddenly she was back in her pajamas in her boring house. Then she put the pretzel tip in her mouth and held it like a cigarette but she just felt dirty with a cigarette so the chewed it up and swallowed it. Then she reached for a twizzler and bit off the end. She tried to pretend with that but it did not have the same effect. Natalie looked past the twizzler to the bowl. The pretzels shouted her name and begged to be used. they were small rods and the twizzlers had rather large holes in them. Natalie picked up a pretzel and squished it into the hole. A few minor tweaks, biting ends off, and she had a perfect cigarette holder and cigarette.

Natalie's grand gala began once more. There were hundreds of famous people all over the room and then, they cleared the area as Frank Sinatra walked up to Natalie and said, "I thought this was the wood of Ms. Natalie Wood? I would rather dance with you any day my dear!" Natalie beamed and twirled with her dream around the coffee table for an hour.

The whole world seemed so real that the sudden jolt from her reality to her parents reality didn't happen for a moment. When the doorbell rang it seemed only natural for it to be another guest. Maybe Fred Astaire or Lucille Ball had decided to drop in. "Chives! Let my guests in please!" Mom and Dad rang the doorbell again. "Chives! Hold on Frank dear, I simply must answer the door!" Natalie swooshed her imaginary dress around her pink pajama pants, gliding gracefully up to the front door. "Fred! Lucille! Come in!" Natalie looked at her guests, her eyes opening wide and the glass slipping in slow motion from her trembling fingers. The twizzle became soggy in between her teeth and the pretzel refused to be held onto by the twizzler anymore. "Mom! Dad!" The precious glass shattered the conversation and Natalie's imaginary world.

"Natalie! What are you doing young lady? It is nearly noon and you are still in your pajamas eating fatty foods and I am certain that you have not cleaned anything while we were gone! What were you doing?" Mom stormed through the doorway and grabbed Natalie on the way. "Come here! Get a broom and dustpan. Go clean up your mess and the rest of the house. Why did it take you so long to answer the door? Oy! Child...."

Natalie picked up the broom and telekinetically told Frank that she would gladly dance with him once more but she wasn't sure why his feet were so heavy as if instead of gliding he was sweeping the floor.


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1272 Reviews


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Reviews: 1272

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Mon Jun 25, 2012 3:48 am
Rosendorn wrote a review...



Hello.

I had two things strike me about this piece as I read the beginning:

1- This would be in second person.
2- You needed a lot more pieces of punctuation in here.

I ended up being wrong on point one, which made me pause a bit. I dislike viewpoint changes, because each viewpoint comes with certain expectations. Second person is the use of "you" and can actually be really interesting to read if done well. However, you end up switching to third person after the first sentence, which left me jarred. The first impressions of a piece are very important, and that viewpoint switch right at the beginning made me want to skim the whole piece and see if "you" would show up again. I had been looking forward to a quirky piece using second person after reading that first line, and I didn't get it.

The second point is a lot harder to fix. You have a lot of run on sentences here, which need to be broken up. Run on sentences basically happen when you cram too many subject/verb pairings in one sentence without anything to separate them. Ways to do so are:

comma+ for, and, nor, but, or, yet, so.
Semicolon (which is only used to connect two closely related sentences)
Periods (the easiest)

The way I remember it is, every subject and verb pairing only wants to share one piece of end punctuation. So you need to give each one a single piece of punctuation.

For more grammar tips, check out the grammar section of the Knowledge Base here on YWS. It's packed full of articles.

As for your content, I honestly couldn't pay attention to it the run on sentences were so distracting. Once you've edited this for grammar, let me know and I'll come back to give commentary on the piece itself.

Hope this helps. PM me if you have any questions/comments.

~Rosey




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Sun Jun 24, 2012 3:08 pm
HorriBliss wrote a review...



I absolutely adore your writing style, it has SO much attitude in it. I love the little phrases you use to give attitude and meaning to your characters actions and you captured them exquisitely! I can only point out very minor things in this review, but overall this piece if awesome. I'll even make comparisons to J.D. Salinger's "Catcher in the Rye" in that this is what I'd picture Phoebe to grow up into, with a little wild imagination of hers.

Anyway, on to the necessary evil that is the critique:

"a frumpy round boy in his early preteens" - I just thought I'd point out that I loved the description here of "frumpy round boy", it's so simple yet effective!

"Alex had his bag resting on the driveway next to the family car, his little face drooping with his eyelids every other second." - this was one of those characterisation points that I mentioned earlier that really brings your chracters to life, so well done!

"Natalie Closed her eyes slowly and bit the inside of her lip." - just a grammar point here, the "Closed" should be lowercase.

"falling on her butt yet still feeling like a champion" - again, a great little phrase here that really adds to the characterisation of Natalie :')

"A ponytail rested on top of Natalie's head was let down, adjusting itself to marvelous, flowing, thick, shiny, volumtuous tresses, caressing Natalie's shoulders." - yet another great description, I was going to point out that you used too many descriptive words, but in hindsight, you used just the right amount to give a glorious image in one's mind, so well done! :D

"Natalie turned on the tv" - "tv" should be "TV" (or T.V.)

"The pretzels shouted her name and begged to be used. they were small rods and the twizzlers had rather large holes in them." - there is a full-stop used here in lieu of a comma.

"as Frank Sinatra walked up to Natalie and said, "I thought this was the wood of Ms. Natalie Wood?" - I know who Frank Sinatra is and I know who Natalie Wood is, but I'm not too sure if that dialogue was supposed to read: "I thought this was the wood of Ms. Natalie Wood?", I assume "wood" should be "room", maybe?

See, just like I said, there was very little for me to criticise, just little tidbits here and there. So overall, well done and I'd love to read more!





All my life I've wanted to be someone; I guess I should have been more specific.
— Jane Wagner