Published March 3, 2013
“Yes your majesty.” Both girls said simultaneously as they curtsied fully to the floor and rose with absolute grace.
“I am sorry girls, but you have been chosen to be the princess’ companions and personal ladies. You will be required only to clean her clothing serve her and the beast meals. Everything else you do shall be of your own accord I do hope that you won’t be trapped here along with her for long.” He turned from the girls to the snob claiming his throne. “At any time, you may accept the offer of any of the gentlemen who have courted you back within your own palace walls and return home for your wedding. Don’t forget that.”
Alysandra stared her father in the face, flaring her nostrils and keeping her eyes fixed upon his. “Where is my room?”
“Remember, this was your choice, the first man to carry you out of that room, even if he drags your body down the stairs, will be your life. In the end, he is not guaranteed the throne therefore you are not guaranteed the throne.” He turned to the servants once more and asked softly to the younger, a girl hardly the age of ten, “Darla, please take my impudent daughter up to her chambers and get inside the catacombs for I shall order the beast’s release immediately after our departure. This will be the last time I tell you, Alysandra, go to your room.”
Darla led Alysandra to the stairs, Denise following behind, and the king spun on the heel of his royal boot, and stormed off, reminding himself that he would see her again, and next time she would be in a better mood. Hopefully.
Alysandra pattered down the stairs to the beast, now three times as large as he had been the day she first met him.She reached her arm as far across his nose as she could handle and held on as though her life depended on it. “Why did I pick this Reynaldo? My stubborness. That is why. I wasn’t going to marry that 40 year old pig Father had picked out for me. He sincerely made me fear for my safety. I know there has to be someone out there listening to the stories Father agreed to spread who is just dying for the thrill of actually rescuing an imprisoned princess. Where are they? Every brave soul to march through that door has run away or gotten lost!”Reynaldo wiggled under the princess’ embrace in an effort to warn her.
“Indulge me Reynaldo. I am in need of comfort and you tend to be the best at that.” He wiggled again and raised the girl off of the floor into the air, higher than her bedroom, nearer to the ceiling of the great room than she had ever been before. “What is it you fool creature?”
“Not this time beast! I shall save the princess this time. You or she shall not frighten me back again! Get ye back into your cavern! Back!”
Reynaldo arched high into the air, brushing his long, narrow horns on the top of room.Alysandra could hear only the sound of the brave prince’s sword clattering to the floor. She clambered to the end of her companion’s nose to see for herself her hero’s hind-end hightail-it out of the room in fear.
Far below, the prince knelt, fixing his eyes on the dragon the entire time, and picked up his sword which he tenderly referred to as “Valiant” in an effort to add to his bravery or lack thereof. “I am coming princess. I will not run away this time.” His face was unfamiliar under the helmet but his voice, the sound that came nearer than any other yet still only ever touched her once, firmly on her dainty wrist, was unmistakable.
The prince dove at the beast and effectively cornered him back into his room, no acting involved on Reynaldo’s part. Alysandra tried to shout out but in being attacked, Reynaldo had spewed smoke throughout the palace, especially the drawing room where they now resided, and took an immediate effect on her vocal chords. Up the stairway the prince flew out of sight but most certainly not out of mind.
Alysandra rolled off her friend’s magnificent nose and crawled low to keep out of the threatening smoke above her head. She could clearly hear furniture upstairs being tossed and overturned in a mad rush.Not long after, bare feet could be heard stomping and slapping down the stairs at an alarming speed, followed by the heavy crash of an entire suit of armor.
Escaping from the smokers’ lounge, Alysandra rose and rushed to her favorite hero. “Sire. sire, are you alright? Are you hurt?” She raised his visor to find a face so peaceful she did not wish to disturb it. The prince did not move a muscle from his collapsed position at the bottom of the stairs for a while.
“Denise, Darla, come here at once please!” the two girls rushed out of two separate hidden doors and came to the princess’ who was already hoisting the stranger up the stairs by his shoulders. Denise ran up beside her and Darla grabbed at his bare feet. They carried him up to Alysandra’s chambers and laid him on her superb bed, a wreck after his rampage. All three girls scurried around the room, returning each misplaced item back to its designated place.
Finally the room was back to its proper setting and the girls set to work on making their guest as comfortable as possible. They removed each piece of armor with care and placed it in a chest at the far end of the bedroom. They got him down to his trousers and undershirt and placed the blanket over his body.
Alysandra held onto the helmet and sat next to her savior, her hand resting on his wrist.
Reynaldo waited at the bottom of the stairs and once, at the end of his rope of loneliness and boredom, bumped the wall supporting Alysandra’s bedroom, just enough to wake the sleeping prince. He jolted from his position and the very first thing his eyes laid sight upon was the girl he came to rescue.”Princess!” He slid out of bed as fast as he could and stood upright only to realize he was missing all of his armor and he had been sleeping in the same position the assumed enchanted princess was supposed to be.
Alysandra could see his confusion and shame.”What has Father done now?”
“Princess! You are supposed to be in eternal eternally resting until true love rescue you!”
“Is that what my father started? I am sorry to fluster you sire but that is not the case here.”
The prince gathered himself,standing bolding without his armor. “Prince Sampson of the Great Kingdom of the North your majesty.” He gave a modest bow. “Could I retrieve my armor my lady?”
“If that is what you are comfortable in, yes sire, you may retrieve your armor.” Alysandra led the way to the chest and helped him with each piece.
Sampson put each piece on properly but on the gauntlets, took his time and seemed to consider if they did in fact belong on his hands. “If the King created the legend of your enchantment, did he perchance falsify his promise to the man brave enough to rescue his daughter?”
“That sire, depends on the promise.”
“He promised the hand on his imprisoned princess.”
“I am pleased to say that part of the legend was and is true.”
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141,285 Literary Works • 674,333 Reviews
Salutations!
So, firstly, I like how you twisted the idea of the princess being rescued, taking a viewpoint on something that hasn't really been done before.
A few thoughts:
Firstly, the whole story is bolded, which makes it a bit hard to read. I know the formatting is sometimes weird and can bold it automatically if it's copied from somewhere else, but if you did happen to bold it on purpose, I would suggest undoing that, because when everything is emphasized, nothing is, and it's kind of straining on the eyes. If it was just an accident of formatting, I'm not sure exactly how that's fixed, but I think it might fix it to press enter at the beginning of each paragraph and then delete the enter. Or something like that.
On to the story:
It may be just me, but I didn't really understand a lot of the plot. For instance, the whole thing with the kings, such as when they talked about how the prince who rescued her isn't guaranteed the throne, and then at the end, when they go to confront the kings. The fact that you put that at the end, and that it would "change everything forever", makes me think that the whole conflict there is important, so I would suggest clarifying that.
Also, in short stories, since there isn't much space for an in-depth plot or such, an interesting character is key to catching the reader's attention. Here, you have the potential to answer questions such as why she chose to set this up and such with interesting character motivations, but it isn't done as well as it could be. I would suggest adding an interesting past and reasoning behind how she got to this position.
There are also a few grammatical errors here. I shall try to pinpoint all of them.
This is one of the things I was confused about: What does he mean by "when the time is right"?
That should be "harming the prince's, the dragon's, and the princess' ears."
"Now that your love is gone" isn't an independent clause, so I would suggest combining these two sentences with a comma instead of a period.
I would suggest cutting out "at her sarcastic joke". The readers heard the joke, so describing it again isn't really necessary. Show the joke, as opposed to telling the readers what the joke was like.
Behind what, exactly?
The period after "majesty" should be a comma, and "Both" shouldn't be capitalized.
I would suggest putting an "and" after "clean her clothing".
This sentence should be broken up after "your own accord" with a period or semi-colon. Also "along" doesn't really make sense here. Do you mean "alone"?
Instead of just calling her a snob, why not show how she is one through her speech or actions?
There should be a comma before "therefore".
I would put a comma after "catacombs".
This is a bit of a run-on sentence. I would suggest making it something like
"Darla led Alysandra to the stairs, Denise following behind. The king spun on the heel of his royal boot and stormed off, reminding himself that he would see her again, and that next time she would be in a better mood."
You seem to have forgotten the space between the two sentences.
Here you seem to have put the space in the wrong place. Also, I'm not sure you mean "warn her".
I'm not sure "ye" is correct in this situation. "Ye" is the second person plural, but in this sense, I presume the prince is only referring to the dragon, so "ye" wouldn't fit.
You seem to be missing a space here as well.
I don't think you need a hyphen in "hightail-it".
I would add a period after "sword" and "bravery".
It took an immediate effect, I think.
I would add a comma after "flew".
There should be a space in between the two sentences.
The second "sire" should be capitalized (or the period should become a comma).
"The" should be capitalized.
The princess' what? Also, there should be a comma before "who".
That should be "...the girl he had come to rescue." (Past participle as opposed to simple past.) Also, there should be a space between the two sentences.
Another space is needed here.
"In eternal eternally"?
"Bolding"? "Boldly", I think. Also, there should be a space after the comma.
[quote]Alysandra led her prince, Sampson down the stairs for the last time and they, along with Denise and Darla, on Reynaldo’s back, flew to find the two King’s in a final confrontation that would change everything forever.[quote]
Firstly, there should be another comma after "Sampson". Also, "king's" shouldn't have an apostrophe, as it is plural, not possessive.
Just to note, words such as "Your Majesty" or "Sire" should be capitalized, because they are proper nouns. "King" should be capitalized when it is being used as a person's name, but not when it is used as a common noun, phrased as "the king" or such.
Also, one thing I noticed about your writing style was that a lot of the sentences were structured similarly, such as a name of a person, then a verb, then the object. Instead, you could vary this by rearranging words. Adding variety makes the writing sound better and makes the narrative flow better; readers can get bored from reading all similar-sounding sentences.
So, all in all, the idea here gives the story a lot of potential. However, the characters could have been elaborated on, and some of the plot didn't really make sense. If those things are added, as well as some variety put into the writing style, this will be a great story.
Good job, and good luck with any writing in the future!
Wherethewindgoes
Great short story Mj! I really liked it, cant wait to read more of your writing!
Well done for a fascinating story!
It was really interesting to hear your own take on an old tale that had been used loads of times. I was a bit confused by the princess' speech as it seemed a little like she was talking to herself at this point.
“Next time Reynaldo. Next time I will tell him exactly what he is doing wrong. I am certain he does not come all the way out to my prison just to scare a submissive dragon back into a room.”
Alrthough you had mentioned the dragon at the end of it, I still had to re-read it a couple of times to understand who the princess was talking to. Maybe you could keep the dragon part, but say before it:
She gazed towards the mighty dragon as he slithered back into the great room and rested his head at the bottom of the stairs. A small puff of withheld smoke escaped from his lips and nose.
Apart from that, I liked this piece a lot, PM when you write more!
Perhaps another storytale? Robin Hood?
Thanks! I tend to hear and see everything in my head but not everyone sees that. That is why I started on YWS, so I could know what others were not seeing. Thanks again! Good idea... hmmm...