Young Writers Society

I don't find this atrocious at all...certainly, you could add something to it. Your word choice could have been better, so consider each word and phrase carefully--ask yourself, Is there a better or more thoughtful way to say this?

Remember that poetry doesn't have to be as rigidly structured as you have it here; it is not a song and thus does not have to be organized into clear-cut, similar verses. It's a matter of personal preference, but there is much more freedom in breaking your lines and splitting your stanzas wherever you please.

The beginning was the best; use that as a model as you revise.

The third stanza could be cut out entirely; it's vague emotion if anything. What makes the other stanzas so good is the attention to detail, the images, the underlying emotion rather than the blatant.

The central idea of "the ground between us" was well brought out. The rest of the poem could use some cleaning up. The best thing to do is to go back and edit it regularly, and accept that it will change a lot as you do. But that meaning, so to speak, really pulls it together and made this poem better for me.

Keep at it!
-Colleen

XD You can't leave commas? But I LOVE commas! lol (Ok, a little too much, but...)

Yeah, I know pretty much 0 about poetry, though. Some day maybe I'll look it up in my old English textbooks or something.

Okay, this could just be me, but it seems like where you have the comma in the first and third lines of each stanza, you should be splitting that line.. for example..

"I walk around by your head, by the place where you rest
but nobody sees us
leaves blow across my feet, my hands hidden in my sleeves
but there's ground between us"

Would look neater if perhaps written like this:

"I walk around by your head,
by the place where you rest
but nobody sees us
leaves blow across my feet,
my hands hidden in my sleeves
but there's ground between us "

Some of the rhyming seems a little forced, but not too badly.

Over all, I liked this. Keep writing.

~Rea