I'm positively atrocious at poetry, but I wanted to post this because of what it says... even if it's not that great in the way I said it. It's something I just wrote for my dad.
- Ki
"The Ground Between Us" by Ki (c) 2007
I walk around by your head, by the place where you rest
but nobody sees us
leaves blow across my feet, my hands hidden in my sleeves
but there's ground between us
It's about quarter to one, my eyes still open
right here where I lie
I walk down the hall, and stand with a pause
by the room where you died
It's not just my heart, but that you were a part
of this family inside
but though the ties never break, it's just so hard to take
and that's why we've cried
I kneel down by the stone, though I know I'm not alone
I say a prayer to Jesus
I seem to hear you speak, and I know you're not asleep
though there's ground between us
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
I don't find this atrocious at all...certainly, you could add something to it. Your word choice could have been better, so consider each word and phrase carefully--ask yourself, Is there a better or more thoughtful way to say this?
Remember that poetry doesn't have to be as rigidly structured as you have it here; it is not a song and thus does not have to be organized into clear-cut, similar verses. It's a matter of personal preference, but there is much more freedom in breaking your lines and splitting your stanzas wherever you please.
The beginning was the best; use that as a model as you revise.
The third stanza could be cut out entirely; it's vague emotion if anything. What makes the other stanzas so good is the attention to detail, the images, the underlying emotion rather than the blatant.
The central idea of "the ground between us" was well brought out. The rest of the poem could use some cleaning up. The best thing to do is to go back and edit it regularly, and accept that it will change a lot as you do. But that meaning, so to speak, really pulls it together and made this poem better for me.
Keep at it!
-Colleen
XD You can't leave commas? But I LOVE commas! lol (Ok, a little too much, but...)
Yeah, I know pretty much 0 about poetry, though. Some day maybe I'll look it up in my old English textbooks or something.
Okay, this could just be me, but it seems like where you have the comma in the first and third lines of each stanza, you should be splitting that line.. for example..
"I walk around by your head, by the place where you rest
but nobody sees us
leaves blow across my feet, my hands hidden in my sleeves
but there's ground between us"
Would look neater if perhaps written like this:
"I walk around by your head,
by the place where you rest
but nobody sees us
leaves blow across my feet,
my hands hidden in my sleeves
but there's ground between us "
Some of the rhyming seems a little forced, but not too badly.
Over all, I liked this. Keep writing.
~Rea