oh man

by Misty

delete delete

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Points: 890
Reviews: 253

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Sun Aug 17, 2008 11:06 pm

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CK Lynn wrote a review...

This was good, but you never explain who the "you" is. A parent? A boyfriend? It would make more sense if you did. Also, I thought the ryhme detracted from the poem.

Favorite Part:
Give me some vindication
For still I keep my heart on the line
Just let me know why I stay here
Why I don't fit into your design

Least Favorite:
My body can't take the contortion
Yet the stress does these things to me
I thought I was normal or average
I found out I'm a worthless nobody

Points: 890
Reviews: 72

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Sat Jan 22, 2005 11:12 pm

A.O. Avalon wrote a review...

My body can't take the contortion
Yet the stress does these things to me
I thought I was normal or average
I found out I'm a worthless nobody

Firstly, cut "Yet"--it doesn't really make sense. If you said "I thought my body could handle the contortion" it would work, but you are agreeing with yourself and "Yet" is a contradictory word.
I really dislike the last line of this stanza-- it seems very sophmoric. This is another one of those posts I would classify more as song lyrics than poetry... I think I'm going to propose that to Nate...
But back to the matter at hand. "Me" and "nobody" are a strained rhyme anyway, so let's see if we can't come up with another way to say this.
Here's how I'm hearing this go:
"I thought I might be your someone
I discovered you didn't agree."
Or something. That's kind of corny, sorry. But do you see what I'm getting at?[/quote]

Points: 890
Reviews: 321

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Sat Jan 22, 2005 6:44 am

Liz wrote a review...

Yeah, you need to work on the flow.

Give me some consolation
For what you've done to me
Allow me to feel like I deserve to know
Why I don't deserve to be

Isn't the best first stanza. It tells the reader everything, it's more interesting if you start off a bit foggier and show what you mean rather than spell it out. Also, the last two lines of that stanza are a bit rocky, I had to read it a couple of times to get the feel of it, which disrupts the flow more.

However, I really like:
Give me some vindication
For still I keep my heart on the line
Just let me know why I stay here
Why I don't fit into your design

That's great, it really plunges into the emotion of the poem.
Overall, great work!

Points: 890
Reviews: 137

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Wed Jan 19, 2005 5:30 pm

Wulie wrote a review...

I really like this I can relate to some of the things you say.

Give me some vindication
For still I keep my heart on the line
Just let me know why I stay here
Why I don't fit into your design

Give me some absolution
My arms can't bleed anymore
What is your decision just tell me
for the razor cuts strait to my core

I think these are my favourite bits I'm not very good at critque I think you need some commers to let it flow a little better...

But I do really like this
Wulie

Points: 6165
Reviews: 665

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Wed Jan 19, 2005 5:19 pm

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Chevy wrote a review...

What is your decision just tell me
for the razor cuts strait to my core

That sounded terribly rushed, perhaps with the use of commas it won't be as bad.

Give me back the things you're still taking
I can't live without all of me
Give it back, my heart is breaking
And you're taking its fragments from me

I know you said you loved the last stanza, but it needs a little work.
Try something like:
Give back the things you're still taking,
I can't live without every piece of me,
Give it back, my heart is still breaking,
That's the best I could do...I'm not very good with making poems rhyme so that's why I couldn't think of anything for the last line that was powerful enough.

Young Writers Society

oh man

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