Published January 18, 2005
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141,299 Literary Works • 674,335 Reviews
This was good, but you never explain who the "you" is. A parent? A boyfriend? It would make more sense if you did. Also, I thought the ryhme detracted from the poem.
Favorite Part:
Give me some vindication
For still I keep my heart on the line
Just let me know why I stay here
Why I don't fit into your design
Least Favorite:
My body can't take the contortion
Yet the stress does these things to me
I thought I was normal or average
I found out I'm a worthless nobody
Firstly, cut "Yet"--it doesn't really make sense. If you said "I thought my body could handle the contortion" it would work, but you are agreeing with yourself and "Yet" is a contradictory word.
I really dislike the last line of this stanza-- it seems very sophmoric. This is another one of those posts I would classify more as song lyrics than poetry... I think I'm going to propose that to Nate...
But back to the matter at hand. "Me" and "nobody" are a strained rhyme anyway, so let's see if we can't come up with another way to say this.
Here's how I'm hearing this go:
"I thought I might be your someone
I discovered you didn't agree."
Or something. That's kind of corny, sorry. But do you see what I'm getting at?[/quote]
Yeah, you need to work on the flow.
Isn't the best first stanza. It tells the reader everything, it's more interesting if you start off a bit foggier and show what you mean rather than spell it out. Also, the last two lines of that stanza are a bit rocky, I had to read it a couple of times to get the feel of it, which disrupts the flow more.
That's great, it really plunges into the emotion of the poem.
Overall, great work!
I really like this I can relate to some of the things you say.
I think these are my favourite bits I'm not very good at critque I think you need some commers to let it flow a little better...
But I do really like this
Wulie
That sounded terribly rushed, perhaps with the use of commas it won't be as bad.
I know you said you loved the last stanza, but it needs a little work.
Try something like:
Give back the things you're still taking,
I can't live without every piece of me,
Give it back, my heart is still breaking,
That's the best I could do...I'm not very good with making poems rhyme so that's why I couldn't think of anything for the last line that was powerful enough.