Published June 6, 2005
my friend wrote this poem
Eternal Life
She-ever since six
planned to perfection
the bouquet of pearl daisies
the crystal seamed princess dress
He-learned the arts of
obedience.commitment.responsibility
a prerequisite to change
only then did he become a noble knight
Desire.devotion.divinity act as one
he concealed this entwinement until
on bended knee
he recites the desire
And she-tears vanishing with his kiss
offers the devotion
Lairs of affliction and tourturing dragons
to their precious palace-celestrial castle
the temple of divinity
They forever promise
to promise forever
living happily ever after
Arianna Phare Chantry
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141,299 Literary Works • 674,338 Reviews
Hey there Misty.
I reviewed a couple of your poems before but seeing one that claims to be published for a friend, makes me a bit suspicious of the poem. Anytime someone on yws says they're publishing something for a friend or a sibling or a partner, I usually doubt that just because of nature. One thing that makes me doubt this poem a bit is because it seems rather similar to the ones I viewed before, with the imagery that this poem has going on.
I think one of the ones I reviewed before had the princess imagery, which is overall something I don't care for. This poem follows the very standard of the cliche for masc/fem combined with strong/weak imagery and that's just not that attractive. I think this might have meant to be sort of classic in sound and also a bit classic with the imagery, which seems to loop back through different points in time. And in further combination with the Knight imagery, it really turns me off the concept of the poem.
I get that someone was going for a fairy tale point of view for this but that's just like, there's so few ways to make that not cliche. Especially with the end and the decision to go with "happily ever after". I was hoping in the beginning that it was meant to be sarcastic but I don't think that thought was behind this work.
So to whoever wrote this poem, please find some of your own ideas and express your own emotions in your poems.
That's all I can make it through today.
Happy revmo.
- lizz
Not too bad at all. I didn't really like the lines with the three words connected by full-stops, but apart from that, good work. You'd probably want a more solid theme, and fix up the second stanza, it's a bit choppy. Nice work though.