Slow and steady my chest rises as I focus on the struggle ahead of me. My home, my family, all dieing in fire. My eyes focused on the blazes, my ears on the screams, and my nose on the smell of burning chemicals. The fire reached my father's lab. Very slowly I back up, before all I remember is blacking out....
Three days later-
"Raven, Rave, wake up!" A soft voice calls. My head spins and all I smell is smoke and death. Fear strikes my heart and all I can focus on is the images dancing in the darkness.
"Mum... Get outta there!" I cry out in pure pain and panic. A hand shakes my sholder.
"Rave, are you okay?" The voice sings. Echoing, pain, lights, they all dance, they all scream out at me. I swing my fist, comeing in contact with warm skin.
My eyes peel open, past the searing pain and darkness. A face smiles down at me with white teeth blinding against tasty mocha skin. My eyes dart to the face's eyes and I sigh, relzing who it is. Ruen, my black eyed friend.
"Ruen?" I hack out. "What happened?"
"Death happened Rave, death happened. Do you not remember?" Ruen smiles, wiping at my face with a damp rag.
"Argh, fuck man! That stings!" I growl out in pain. Ruen jerks his hand back, but returns to lightly tending my face. I can see the rag is bloody, full of chunks of burnt skin.
"Sorry Rave. You where in a fire... You ran into your house while it was burning down. Your pa's lab exploded and you where lucky to surivie." Ruen croons softly.
"Yea... Lucky..." I mumble. It wasn't luck, it was genitics that saved me. "Are they?"
"Dead. Sorry Rave. Looks like we will be sharing a room again like that one time your dad filled the house with skunk." Ruen smiles down at me, finishing his tending. I look to my hands, black with burns.
"Rue... Do they know how they died?" I ask, gulping down blood.
"Well... Your father was cooking and the stove caught on fire. Nobody knows how." Ruen mutters, rubbing my cheek softly.
"Aye... T'was going to be the death of him. He was always brewing something up in there." I mutter under my breath. I wasn't in the mood to talk, so I rolled to my side, groaning in pain. The bed creaks under my weight and Ruen sighs.
"Rave, you do know I take you in because-"
"You're my best friend. I know. And I thank you many times for that." I say over my sholder, looking at him. His face drops, but I never note it. He has always been sad since Blackjack died. He loved his father alot.
"No I-"
"Rue. You take me in cause I am your only friend." I smirk. "You aren't very social."
"Well, that might be true, but I-"
I fall "asleep", snoring loudly and blocking him out of my mind. I wanted to drink this out. And I wanted it badly.
"I love you..." Ruen sighs, rubbing my once long hair, now burned off to nothing but a nub. In my deep sleep, I grin abit, resting my eyes and readying for the many years to come. But first, I needed to murder a few people.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hey mystery!
First of all I liked the plot but the way you told it was too fast.Readers need to feel relaxed when they read(I know i do).I cant comment on your grammar because my grammar isnt in an excellent level(english is my second language).
You could have describe your character in more details.You could imagine Raven and Ruen but we(the readers)cant.
The way that Rave felt after the death of her/his(?)family was fake.I mean,if you found out that your entire family was killed in a fire you would cry for hours(Am I right?).
This part of the story bothered me becasue of its structure:
"Yea... Lucky..." I mumble. It wasn't luck, it was genitics that saved me. "Are they?"
"Dead. Sorry Rave.
You could have said:
"Are they...
Before Rave could finish the sentence,Ruen finished it for her/him "Dead"said Ruen greifly
Remember to double or even triple check your work before posting it(trust me).You could find grammar or spelling errors.
I really like to see what Rave would do next.Keep up the good work and try to improve!:D
From,
aaradhia
How I based the story, Rave loves her family, but she doesn't show alot of emotion. She bottles it. And I will keep working, this is the backstory to the story so it has to move quick to get to the nitty gritty tales of death
Hey there MissMystery!
...all dieing in fire.
My eyes focused on the blazes...
...and my nose on the
Very slowly I back up, before all I remember is blacking out....
I'm here to
annoy you to no endreview your piece.Since I'm not really one to talk about the story itself, besides saying how much I liked it, I'll be pointing out grammar and spelling mistakes.
First;
Spoiler
That should be 'dying'.
Next;
Spoiler
That should be 'focus' and 'blaze'. You started off using present tense, and should keep it that way, which goes for every sentence I don't point out as well. There is no plural for blaze, like you're trying to use here.
And here:
Spoiler
smell ofburning chemicals.You didn't describe the senses in the previous lines, and shouldn't here. Otherwise, before you would've wrote, ... my ears on the sound of the screams...
Then this:
Spoiler
The 'before' seems out of place and makes the sentence very awkward.
And the next sentence, where you say three days later, doesn't belong there. You should show a time lapse with three starts or something, like so;
* * *
It would seem weird that the main character would know how long he/she was unconscious. That and three days of unobserved unconsciousness usually means death.
These would be your main problems. I'm sure you can easily fix the spelling, but the grammar and flow of the work have to corrected with more effort. Your idea itself is wonderful, and would fit beautifully as a novel, but you need to work out the little kinks.
For the grammar I'd suggest reading each line to yourself after you write it, see if it sounds like something someone else would understand. Other than that, I'm not really an expert so I wouldn't know
And for the flow, read over each paragraph where something is happening and try to find out if you can picture it in your head. If you find yourself trying to imagine it, but you can't piece everything together, then you're probably doing something wrong.
Again, you have a great idea here, and I'd love to see you expand on it.
So good work, and keep on writing
Ruen found her. Pretty simple. He loves his friend and cares for her like a little sister (but desires more). One day of not seeing her hanging at the bar kinda scares him. And it will slowly slowly slowly
Hey there,
Wow! This was a very fast paced chapter. Take a nice deep breath, slow down, re-read what you wrote, and ask yourself if you understand it – because I was having a hard time figuring out what was going on in the beginning. Speaking of beginning, your introduction to this is weak and I think it’s mostly all due to the fact that your writing is so fast paced and lacks description and imagery to give the readers a chance at sensing the details of what’s taking place.
Also, make sure you run this through a spellcheck or something because there are some misspelled works and double check your grammar before you post. If you have trouble with commas and their respected placements (ugh, we all hate commas but you have to know them) then you can visit the writing tutorial section of YWS and we have some nice topics that might help you smooth over some of rules there.
For example, you have a chance at writing a fire scene with burning furniture, homes, screams, and flames licking walls and having your protagonist suffocate and apparently – even die (not sure because you said something about genetics but all that is unclear so I’m pretending she died and came back to life). This is good stuff, don’t skip through it and give your readers and your characters feel and experience this emotional, devastating trauma.
Now, for your characters, their emotions aren’t exactly the most forthcoming or believable. Rave apparently died, or almost died so why isn’t she more freaked out about this? How did she get back? How did Ruen save her? Who is Ruen to her? Why won't she love him back? Who does she want to murder? What? I don’t exactly know what’s going on and if your readers feel too lost, they’ll lose interest. Slow things down again and explain the situation and your characters. Build a proper foundation before you begin with your journey.
Overall, all this sciencey, genetic stuff is kinda cool but you’ll have to work on your execution and writing a little more. Keep writing though and if you have any questions or comments, shoot me a PM or scribble on my wall.
-S
Hey there!
Alright this story was pretty confusing, and extremely fast paced, with the dialogue especially.
First off, punctuation. I agree with Purple, there are certain sentences which need a comma or fullstop, which you don't have. Punctuation is important, it helps the reader to pause in their reading in their head, so it doesn't sound awkward. Imagine reading that aloud and needing to catch your breath. Punctuation also makes a huge difference.
Here the dialogue is a little inconsistent and has different speech patterns to it. What I mean is this.
"Death happened Rave, death happened. Do you not remember?"
The kind of speech here is what I would expect from some middle age warrior story. Take Lord Of The Rings for example, this is how they would speak.
"Argh, fuck man! That stings!"
This, is definitely how the modern day teen talks, and given what I just said above, the speech pattern here has changed. Keep it consistent, and decide on which type you want. If you feel you have difficulty maintaining the middle age kind of speech pattern, keep it modern. It's easier for both you and the reader.
" In my deep sleep, I grin abit, resting my eyes and readying for the many years to come. But first, I needed to murder a few people."
This last part, isn't much of a cliffhanger to be honest. The "murder a few people" part is also pretty confusing and I'm left wondering. If you want to make this a more exciting cliffhanger, have the last sentence cut out. It's pretty irrelevant to this.
Overall what you need to work on is a consistent speech pattern and also some realistic character. You need to look at the situation and think how you would act during that, and then have your characters do the same. For speech, say it out loud if needed, so as to get a good feeling of how it actually sounds.
Hope my review helped!