PROLOGUE: INSANITY RUN
The blood in her wrists was pooling, gathering and threatening to burst forth from her body. Cold, sharp chains bit in to her as she withstood their jeering. Many gleaming, ethereal eyes burned like acid on her. Then the crack of the whips was heard. All was silent.
Ivy waited for death, pleaded for it, but all that came was the heavy descent of the woven strip. A scream ripped from her throat, and her consciousness wavered.
"Sean...Sean..." she moaned, "Please! Help me!"
Another crack of the whip and she felt as if she was on fire. Agony flowed around her, and the desire of the volatile Strogoi Mort to run free from their barricades and feast was almost tangible. They were frenzied, leering all around her, hanging off the bars and clawing at each other in yearning.
"Your traitor is not here! He chose to be with his beloved and dethroned King, instead of saving you." her torturer spat, "You are dead, little girl. He threw you away like trash!"
"Then you are vultures!" Ivy shrieked, her voice raw and hoarse. The whip descended again, and this time, a hand was ripping at her hair yanking her head up.
"Quiet yourself, beast, or I will see to it that your casket will be closed at your funeral," the torturer hissed, his breath stinging her face. "Beauty shall elude your battered corpse."
"Why are you doing this?"
"Because, human when we were of your kind, we were tortured, burnt and exterminated. We are back again, and so we shall do unto you."
"But that was not me! It wasn't my time! I'm begging you, stop!" Ivy sobbed, all coherency slipping away.
The pain doubled as something large and blunt was rammed into her chest, and she heard her ribs crack.
"Three days you shall stay. Then the Ancients shall feast," was the pitiless reply. Then she was left, alone, to her agony.
Her mind caressed memories of him. He had said time and time again how he loved her raven hair, her eyes and the beauty of her spirit. He made her see past her life in daydreams, and her made her live again. Ivy clung to what remained of their last encounter; the feel of his hands and the taste of his breath. She longed to have him near her, and hear his rich Irish voice playfully taunting her.
Ivy looked around the room through her matted, bloody hair that was plastered to her face. He was nowhere in sight. Somehow, she had to keep faith. She had to wait until he came for her. She could envision him at intervals, his own dark hair over half of his face, his slightly upturned nose, and his green hinted, grey eyes.
Sean would come, she assured herself by the hour. He would not abandon her, even if he was helping the King to regain his throne. He did not view humans like the others did. He told her so.
As the hours crept away, so did her hope.
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hey MissMorose, and welcome to YWS! I'm Stella, the annoyingly happy one buzzing around the fiction forums. Here's hoping you stick around!
Okay, so in true YWS fashion, I'm going to go with the Nitpicks first policy, then we'll play it by ear from there.
I. NITPICKS
This confused me, as I thought Sean was the one torturing her.
I'd switch your word order around a little, it sounds weird. Say "The desire of the volatile Strogoi Mort to run free from their barricades and feast was almost tangible." No need to talk like Yoda. Wait, he puts the verbs on the end... okay, okay, now I'm rambling.
Generally, the capital "H" means that it belongs to Jesus Christ. I don't know about in other religions, but I'd switch in to a small "h".
In all fairness, at this threat I'd go "Ooh, I'm quaking in my chains."
The antiquated (sp?) way of speech of the vampire sounds fine, but here, I'd turn it to "wasn't." It'll make more of a contrast between your two characters.
"The pain," I'd say.
Yays! Sorry, I'm feeling patriotic today. I'm weird like that. But I love the idea of a "rich voice" it reminds me of chocolate cake... which is good, simple imagery.
II.IMAGERY
I'm not complaining. You have some beautiful, if rather disturbing images in here, that I enjoyed. They're the cherries on the cake.
III. CHARACTERS
A. Ivy: First of all, love the name. After that, I'd try and make the descriptions of Sean's comments less Mary-Suish. "Raven black hair, sapphire eyes". Yawn. And the fact that Ivy is alluding to these features herself, even in memory of him, is kind of conceited. Try something like "She remembered how he had said her dull, plain blue eyes sparkled like sapphires" or something. Do you see the difference?
B. Sean: At first, I was kind of afraid "Oh no, this is going to be a Twilight book." But the fact that Sean has abandoned her, or at least has seemed to, for something more important, is very enlightening and different from the vast amount of fiction you read on YWS in this genre. When you get to him actually arriving further on in your story, don't wreck it by him going "I fought every creature on the planet to be near to you, even though the world was in danger." That's boring. Him not arriving is great, and her losing hope.
C. The vamps!: Okay, I'm not a huge fan of the genre, I'll admit. So I'm curious, why are they so desperate to devour her? Are they starving? Is she especially tasty? Tell all.
IV. OVERALL
I'm not a fan of vampires. But you have a good, solid beginning here of what seems to be a promising and well thought out story. Keep it up, I'm hoping to see lots more posting from you.
PM me if you have any questions or comments!
Hope I've helped!
-Stella.
We'll see is he does come...*winks*...or not. He is with his King after all.
this is really good. Is the twist that Sean doesn't come? cuz that'd be sad. -cries-
only thing is, this sounds a little cluttered. Maybe don't put the and between beloved and dethroned. and i think the "is" is supposed to be "his" so it could read "He chose to be with his beloved dethroned King instead of saving you." i think it flows better.but it was really good. I'd like to read more b/c vampire stories are like really popular now, so i wat to c what ur twist is.
looking forward to reading more. =D
Thanks alot Sadie! Your advice was really good, and I'll edit ASAP. Also, I'm working on the first chapter, so I hope you'll look it over too!
PS. Sean isn't her torturer, which bit of it confuses you?
Hey,
The second Sean only has two dots after it, put three. Also, the she should have a space between it and the quotations, instead of this: 'Sean..."she moaned', do this: 'Sean..." she moaned.' Do ya get it? I'm really bad at describing.
Put a comma in between Ivy and shrieked.
Instead of a period, put a comma after funeral, and leave everything else the same.
Just like above, a comma after feast, not a period, and leave the rest the same.
Break this up into a few paragraphs. It would flow better.
.
Nice closing.
I liked this, but am confused a bit, is Sean her torturer?
I hope this continues, also I see you were concerned with the spacing of this story. Never be afraid to use too many paragraphs, there is no such thing. I know that when I write, by using a lot of paragraphs it helps me out a bunch.
Keep up the good work!
-Sadie
NB-This is my first post, and when this storyline came to me late at night, and I had to write it down!
The plot should become more apparent later. Please review! I'm open to criticism! (yes I know it's spaced out oddly...I'll fix that)