Friends And Enemies

OK.
Thanks for the review!

Please keep them coming - they are really helping me improve!

Pgsgirl

Pgsgirl7 wrote:In the beginning, there were three,
Sophia, Louisa, and then me.
Sophia,
The cool one, my best friend.
She drove Louisa round then bend.
Louisa,
Rich, pretty, spoiled,
With a posh accent and manners well oiled.

I liked this only take the n off the end of then before bend and put a comma before well oiled.

Then one day, my view changed.
Sophia made me too deranged.
So I chose Louisa instead.
“What’re you doing?” Sophia said.
But I wouldn’t change my mind,
Louisa had one my trust this time.
And then came that fateful day,
On the way to Kimmeridge Bay.

Liked tha could of put more detail into why sophia was now your best friend, but your girls you change yourt view of each other all the time

The driver, tired, fell asleep,
The hill was high, and very steep,
We careered straight off the road,
The truck coming had a heavy load.
We couldn’t escape the inevitable crash,
So we waited for the smash.
Glass smashed, metal tore,
But Sophia was sat near the door.

right wait I didn't unsderstand that did you fall off a cliff or crash into a truck.

She opened it with one hard shove,
Thanked her guardian above,
Then limped away from the wreck,
Pain burning in her neck.
But she was the only one,
Towards the bus she started to run.
She saw me at Louisa’s side,
“Help me, please!” Louisa cried

Hmm good.

But our time was running out,
Me or Louisa? She had doubts.
Pulling me out, she runs for our lives,
Just then, the fuel ignites,
The bus explodes, shoots fire high,
Choking smoke and blinding light.
She saved me, and I’m glad,
But we lost Louisa, so we’re sad.
Hmm bit of an anti climax there.

Right overall i enjoyed the rhyming pattern was simple and easy to follow which i enjoy, but the poem itself had no real meaning which means i am no better off reading it than not if you get what i mean. (Probably not i talk BS)

wow, i really like this poem. The rhyming pattern make it sound quite simple, almost childlike but when you get further on in the poem it goes from childlike to dark and the simplistic style makes it sound even better!

I don't have manny problems with this poem, only that in the last stanza you have a huge build up then end with a really basic line, it spoils the poem a little bit.

But our time was running out,

Me or Louisa? She had doubts.

Pulling me out, she runs for our lives,

Just then, the fuel ignites,

The bus explodes, shoots fire high,

Choking smoke and blinding light.

Its great the tension here, the suspense of who she will choose but then on the next line...

She saved me, and I’m glad,

But we lost Louisa, so we’re sad.

I know what your trying to do here but it just doesn't work for me. As much as it's nice to maintain this poems simpliscity i think this ending shuld have a bit more emotion, remember it is in the first person.


pm me if you have any questions

nadia

xx

PLEASE CAN SOMEONE WRITE A REVIEW OF THIS ?

Please read this poem and critique it. Is it better than my last poem?