Edward Cullen

Hmm, interesting. I like Twilight as well so I think I can understand your feelings a bit more than other people who really haven't experience the whole "fall in love with Edward Cullen" I know I did from the first chapter of Twilight to the last chapter of Breaking Dawn.
I understand that the poem wasn't suppose to rhyme. It seemed to make sense to me. I read it out loud and it sounded even more beautiful. I could feel Edward through your words and I could feel your emotions towards him. As a fellow Twilight fan, good work. But it could have rhymed and it would have made it all the more special. I mean, its Edward Cullen, and he is like a poem, always rhyming, maybe you should have put that "edward-esk on it" Good job though!

This... was... AWESOME!!!! It deserved caps!!! I thought it was really really cool!!! I loved it!!! You captured Edwards essence very well. Bravo bravo. But yes it was really cool. If you write anymore poetry let me know!!!!

P.S: It's ice knowing I'm not the only Twilighter here.

This rocks
wookielover17

Ok, so the poem's feeling is cute very romantic. It really transmits love and tenderness.
But there are poetic items missing.

And whisper sweet nothings in my ear

You would go

To Hell

And back

To keep me safe from harm

You charm me

Perfectly, wonderfully

And then the bell rings

And I shut the book

Put it in my bag

I'm very sure this poem contains a lot of true passion and feeling for your fictional fantasy but I just cannot bear to read another Twilight fanfic or any type of literary piece with anything to do with Edward Cullen or Twilight...

Love, you keep bumping this thread when you were asked by a moderator not too. And though you are asking for more and more reviews your tone to the more detailed ones is a little bit rude.

I suggest you post a new poem and improve from that.

Thank you,

Kamas

Please keep the fantastic reviews coming: I read them all, and they are really helping me with my work!

Thanks!

Thanks for your comment. I now always use punctuation in my poems, if you don't believe me have a look at my "Friends and Enemies" poem! (find it here: topic49344.html)
I have lots of other poems too, but I won't bore you all with them all!!
I've focused my attentions on poetry for now, so all stories are on hold!
I hope to receive plenty more wonderful reviews, I read then all and try and improve all the time.
And I totally agree: free verse is cool sometimes, but sometimes things just cry out for rhymes, n'est-ce pas?

Keep reviewing!

Although you've already heard this once from a mod, a.k.a. Cade, I can only agree with her in telling you to just be patient and kind to the reviewers. They take the time out to review your work, give you their opinions and advice; if you don't like something they say, just try to move on and not dwell on it. They're really, honestly trying to help you; they don't mean to offend you. Trust me. Dreamer definitely meant no harm.

Well, on to my first review in ages!

Although I'm not a huge fan of Twilight, I'm not a 'hater' either, so my opinion of this piece won't be in any way biased, just to let you know. I actually think Twilight is a decent book. Definitely not a bad book.

Now, my first opinion of this poem: hm... it's quite an overdone topic, rough around the edges type of thing, but it's got potential.

That was my first impression.

Then, I read it a second time, to get a better feel for it. This time, I started noticing things and picking up on a few things here and there, such as punctuation, little things like that.

I. Punctuation:

Now, I understand that you don't feel the need for the use of punctuation in this piece, but I must at least give you my opinion on it; that being that I think it will actually help the piece to flow better. Just sayin'.

Maybe just a little bit? xD

II. Unnecessary Bits:

In any piece, you will find that there are certain things that are unnecessary. In yours, there are only a few.

"Edward Cullen"

Your first line, for example.

There's one definite way to tell whether something is unnecessary or not: if the reader can figure out what the subject of the poem is without that 'vital' bit of information, it's unnecessary. And I guarantee you that anyone who reads this would know who you're talking about, even if you hadn't used his name for the first line, or even any line at all.

III. Rhyme Scheme:

Rhyming is overrated. End of story. I love free verse.

I mean, I think it would've been nice if you had added just a few rhymes here and there, but completely free verse is just fine.

IV. Overall:

Inclusively, I found this poem to be, as I said, rough around the edges, but it definitely has potential.

I admire you for putting it out there and really asking for reviews on it, considering there are so many anti-Twilighters these days!

I think that, again, as I said, it's a bit of an overdone topic, but, with a little work, it could be unique.


And one last thing: I understand that you say your friends love it. But, they probably aren't writers. And just because they 'love it', doesn't mean it's everyone's cup of tea. And you're on a site for writer's, where you're posting work you've written to be reviewed, and on most writer's sites, reviewing is more like tearing a work apart so that the writer can put it back together again, even better than it was the first time. It's just constructive criticism, dear. Don't take it too hard.

I won't say 'Keep writing!'. I'll say 'Get to editing!'

<3Monki

Please keep critique-ing my work! It is all much appreciated!

Dreamer wrote:Aw, cute.

Crit now, thoughts later, yes?

There are these two things called Alliteration and Assonance, and they're what give a poem a poetic feel. They're really awesome, and once you get the hang of them, poetry's a synch. Really easy. I didn't know about them until about a year ago, and once I found out about them, everything became a lot easier, and my poems were more... poetic? What you've got here is a nice list of pretty thoughts in poem format, but they're lacking the flow a poem has. Which is an easy thing to fix.

Alliteration: Peter Piper Picked a Peck of Pickled Peppers. P, p, p, p.

Assonance: Do you like blue? Oo, oo, oo.

Alliteration is a grouping of words with the same consonant sounds, assonance is the grouping of words with the same vowel sounds.

So I am a big twilight fan myself, and I like the poem over all. Especially the descriptions of him watching over you as you sleep, and the walks in the forest, but I do have to say it needs more punctuation. If you think about it literally, its a chance for the reader (maybe reading out loud) to catch their breath during the poem. So maybe just add a few commas or something in there so people aren't out of breath when they're finished reading lol

Anyway, its good stuff. I'm always a fan of a twiligh poem. I'm more a Jacob fan :p he he he

Dear Pgs,

Welcome to YWS and see below for my critique.

I read the book Twilight, and I thought it was just fine. I really don't like the movie (They ruined it) and most fan works of it. But anyways, on the poem: You need punctuation, there is none what-so-ever.

Edward Cullen;

You sit with me at night,

Hold me safe inside your arms-

Stroke my hair,

And whisper sweet nothings in my ear.

You kiss from my temple,

Down my neck,

And Along my arms;

To my hands.

This poem seems like more of a short moment description, not a poem so much.

Odd to come from me but I still diddnt get much connectivity beyond the progression of the lines.

Good language use and an impressive ability for intimacy description, but this poem would need alot of work to be something stunning.

I am not a fan of Twilight, for many reasons more logical than the typical 'cuz its ghey!' dung you get from most people.

As far as I'm concerned you wrote this as a tribute to Romeo.

Exe's and Oh's, Eraqio.

Aw, cute.

Crit now, thoughts later, yes?

There are these two things called Alliteration and Assonance, and they're what give a poem a poetic feel. They're really awesome, and once you get the hang of them, poetry's a synch. Really easy. I didn't know about them until about a year ago, and once I found out about them, everything became a lot easier, and my poems were more... poetic? What you've got here is a nice list of pretty thoughts in poem format, but they're lacking the flow a poem has. Which is an easy thing to fix.

Alliteration: Peter Piper Picked a Peck of Pickled Peppers. P, p, p, p.

Assonance: Do you like blue? Oo, oo, oo.

Alliteration is a grouping of words with the same consonant sounds, assonance is the grouping of words with the same vowel sounds. What it boils down it is a bunch of words with the same sounds to them. How a word sounds can also impact the poem. For example, in the Highway Man by Alfred Noyes, he offers this line in the beginning:

Over the cobbles he clattered and clashed in the dark inn-yard,

Over the cobbles he clatters and clangs in the dark inn-yard;

the only criticism i have is that it doesn't really seem to have any rhythn/meter. it doesn't matter that it doesn't rhyme. and try breaking it up and adding some punctuation here and there.
but mostly good job!
)

Edward Cullen
You sit with me at night
Hold me safe inside your arms

Stroke my hair
And whisper sweet nothings in my ear
You kiss from my temple
Down my neck
Along my arms

You would go
To Hell
And back
To keep me safe from harm

You take me for walks in the sunlit forest
Your cold, white skin sparkles
Like crystal
Like diamond

People are talking at me

Pgsgirl7 wrote:Please, I need some more replies to this!

The same things happen to me when I open up my book. Like I'm Bella. I wish I was Bella. *Sighs*. Anyway, I liked the poem. You explained everything so vividly. And I saw a few generalizations in there, thats good, Dear. Most people forget about that part. Ha ha. But I do suggest to add punctuation at the end of every sentence. Well, I said what I needed to say. Good job, Dear.

Please, I need some more replies to this!

Why do people always end with "Keep writing?" LOL!

Thanks for all your comments guys.

And it's meant to be "at me" because when someone talks TO you they "connect" with you and engage with you. When someone talks AT you they just say stuff and don't engage you. So like Headteachers, Heads Of Year, some teachers, etc.

And the poem looks better in Word: it's centre aligned, which makes a B I G difference and looks better. Which is why there's no punctuation, because centre aligned it looks better without.

OK?

Keep the reviews coming!

One of those people I see...

Well, first of all I hate Twilight and such but I'm not going to let that interfere with this crit. Even though those books were absolutely horrible *cough*

First of all, I get the no rhyme and I've read a lot of great poems that didn't rhyme. Unfortunately, this wasn't even close to one of them.

It was quite depressing and maybe the reason your friends like it is because they're one of those people as well.

Consider revising and punctuation would make it seem tons better. No grammical errors and such but I did see some words that sound better plural.

Edward Cullen,

You sit with me at night.

Hold me safe inside your arms,

And stroke my hair.

You whisper sweet nothings in my ear.

You kiss from my temple,

Down my neck,

Along my arms,

And to my hands.

You would go to Hell and back,

Just to keep me safe from harm.

You tell me that I make your world go round.

You take me for walks in the sunlit forest.

Your cold, white skin sparkles

Like crystals,

Like diamonds.

I gaze into your eyes,

Your wonderful, topaz eyes,

And see the man for me.

You charm me.

Perfectly, wonderfully

And then the bell rings.

And I shut the book.

Put it in my bag,

But I hold you safe in my head.

People are talking [s]at[/s] to me.

Asking me questions.

But I am not listening,

Because I am in my special place.

With Edward.

And he is telling me,

That he loves me.

You've met?

Should introduce me one day lol

No, don't.

The poem was pretty good... it got your message across and I have no real picks or anything.

But I hated the message. Its really depressing actually, and maybe somewhat frightening for the connotations...

Sorry.

Thanks! =]
I take it you like Twilight????
And I know what you mean about those lines they are very long.and I get what everyone is saying about the punctuation.

First of all, I'd like to say that I like this poem. It's got a good feel to it, and I like the beat when I read it aloud.

One thing I think would help, like other people have said, is punctuation. I understand that not every line needs to have something after it, but some commas and periods would break things up nicely.

There are about two lines in the whole thing that seem like they're a bit too long and would be very nice broken up or shortened. They don't really match the rest of the poem around them, and are a bit awkward to read.

Pgsgirl7 wrote:You take me for walks in the sunlit forest

Pgsgirl7 wrote:But I hold you safe in my head

Now, I am not a fan of Edward Cullen but lets leave that out of the picture. Speaking of the poem itself, it should have been re-done so that it was more symmetrical. There seemed to be no real scheme at all which is good...if you are E.E Cummings or somebody of that sorts...which I doubt you are (no offense). There needs to be a scheme with more punctuation, I learned this the hard way. Being more of an abstract poet that prefers to jump outside of the box and make no sense whatsoever I remember that HEY nobody is going to LIKE any of this because after reading it they are just going to question themselves and everything around them! Therefore start off with concrete themes and organization along with grammar too! Now until you start getting seriously published I would never forget the key things in English; punctuation, spelling, grammar of all sorts, and schemes are also very important.

Revise this to make it more symmetrical and it would be a much better poem!!

Thanks, sorry I don't mean to be harsh, it's just all my friends thought it was good.
And thanks for understanding it's not meant to rhyme.

OK, well, first of all, I think you should be a little kinder towards reviews and critiques because they can really help you. Harsh ones help you a lot.

Now, the poem's nice. It was ok for me.
It didn't rhyme but then again not all poems are meant to rhyme.

I have to admit it was a bit confusing though at the middle part but the rest was okay.

Like crystal
Like diamond

It's not meant to rhyme!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
And it makes no sense with all the commas.

And all the people I know who read it said they loved it. If you read it out loud it's better.

And no, I'm not going to re-write it.

Um.. I cannot stand another Edward fan poem.
And as a poem, it wasn't that good either. Scrap it or make a total over haul.

Pgsgirl7 wrote:I have been asked several times if I actually wrote this, and the answer is yes, I did.

Edward Cullen
You sit with me at night,
Hold me safe inside your arms,
And Stroke my hair,
Whispering sweet nothing in my ear,
You kiss from my temple,
And Down my neck,
Along my arms,
To my hands,
You would go,
To Hell This part doesn't work very well, it seems broken off from the rest
And back You don't need this, you could change it to something different. Like 'To Hell you'll go
but back to my heaven'
To keep me safe from harm,
You tell me that,
I make the world go round,
You take me for walks in the sunlit forest,
Your cold, white skin sparkles,
Like a crystal,
Like a diamond,
I gaze into your eyes,
Your wonderful topaz eyes This sentence seems a bit repetitive, maybe get rid of this sentence and keep 'I gaze into your eyes,' but change it to 'I gaze into your wonderful topaz eyes,'
I see the man for me,
You charm me,
Perfectly, wonderfully,
And then the bell rings,
I shut the book,
Place it in my bag,
But I hold you safe in my head,
People are talking at me,
Asking me questions,
But I am not listening,
Because I am in my special place,
With Edward,
And he is telling me,
That he loves me.