Published December 22, 2010
So, what happens when you can’t be bothered and you just stay bed?
What happens when your hope dwindles, and you’re wishing to be dead?
What happens when the thing you seek is just out of reach?
What happens when you’re screaming, and no one hears a peep?
What happens when your light fades and all you feel is black?
What happens when you’re desperate and you search in every gap?
For that one thing that you want the most
But to darkness, you play host.
For I cannot fathom my fear
And I’m hoping, this plea you hear
Please hurry and come to my side
For always in the past I lied
About how the light has brightened
The light that made you no longer frightened.
~ ~ ~ ~
I’m sorry my love, I did not hear
Your pleas and cries of desperate fear
The guilt is mine for I was too late
When you were in this horrid state
Please be at peace and look down on us
You no longer need to make a fuss
About the light that diminished
And with the darkness you were finished
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141,261 Literary Works • 674,331 Reviews
this is Beautiful! and inescapably sad. therefor you did a really amazing job!
i really don;t have anything to say besides that fact that i'm impressed and that i really got the feeling i think you were trying to portray.
fantastic job!
Heya
Thankyou for reading my poem. I know the second sentance was a bit awkward, I'm sorry about that. Yes, this is rather personal. I find writing relieves my stress and is a good way to figure out how I'm feeling. Again, I'm sorry about that sentance. But I do feel as though it made the mood of the poem.
I agree with the first or second comment about the questions part then the end. I didn't really edit it, I just wrote what ever came out! Also, the syllables part I do agree with- it's only like that because of the way I 'said' it in my mind. Thankyou all very much for the feedback and thankyou for the compliments- it means a lot!
Happy Holidays!
MissMadHatter
hmmm I like it. It was kind of awkward, the part where you said "and you're wishing ot be dead" but I don't know how you can change that. And I agree with the others that the last part had a better beat to it. It was interesting! Write more!
I've seen that you tend to use light and dark very often, as points of comparison. Not that it's bad or anything, but actually quite effective.
However...
I don't really know why, but the 'wishing to be dead' part feels awkward. 'Wishing to die' would be better, but it wouldn't rhyme... hm, paradox. Anyways, I like your poem, the beat near the end is pretty good.
Only one issue, and it isn't even a real issue: you write a LOT of amazing stuff!
Hi there!
I kind of like this poem. I guess it's something personal?
Let me go on to some features.
One thing that bothered me slightly is the fact that the syllables vary from sentence to sentence.
Am I right in thinking there are two stanzas?
I would make the questions at the top their own stanza. So you would have three in the end.
My favorite part was the ending stanza. It had a much nicer beat to it. Short and precise, but still different number of syllables. It's not a bad thing, just a preference on my side.
Hope this helps a little! Keep writing!