Published December 18, 2010
I wrote this whilst bored and used it as my first post.
Light was nonexistent.
Darkness fell never, for there was no where to fall.
The world was dark, and all tho
Slowly, over time, the creatures became accustomed to this light and being able to see.
But many did not like it. They refused to open their eyes, for if they did that- darkness would fall, now being able to fall, and they resumed life like they always had.
Those who embraced their new found sight, evolved and became to take this light for granted. Millions of years past and they began to use this light for energy.
These creatures harvested the light and used it to warm themselves and their families. They used it to cook some food, and even to catch food for that much needed sustenance.
Greed soon over took those who had started to harvest this light. They fought over it, wasted it and misused it.
After the greed wave, the light began so subside. Light was no longer harvestable and it faded almost as quick as the sun goes down at night.
Darkness fell for the last time- never to fall again.
And light was nonexistent.[quote][/quote]
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141,379 Literary Works • 674,383 Reviews
very beautiful. I love the way you tell the story like that of a legend - as if you were far away but genuinly cared about the characters. However the story wasn't very smooth and the details were hazy - when you say they harnessed the light's energy it seemed like you were suggesting photosynthesis or something of the like but you then switched to merely saying they used it to cook food (?)
Just things to work on for next time,
Beth
Hello, Miss!
Okay. Firstly, what is that Spoiler doing there?! O.o And secondly: even when I take the spoiler out, I'm having a hard time making sense of this sentence. I think the problem is that it should be "...had never seen the real beauty..." not "...had never seen then real beauty..."Grammatically, these two sentences should really be one (make the period after "with" into a comma) but I can understand if you don't want to do that, because that would be one heck of a long sentence. So I'm not sure if it's grammatically correct, but I think it works to have these sentences separate--though it's a little awkward the way you have it right now. I think what makes it so awkward is the length of the second sentence. If I were you (which, of course, I'm not, so you don't have to listen to me if you don't want to) I would split it up, like so: "Taste, touch, scent and sound were all that these creatures were blessed with. Until a star appeared in the sky. A star so large and so bright that although to us who are used to light and being able to see would call this large star almost extinguished, it shone all over this earth." The second sentence is still a bit long and cumbersome, but I think that way makes it a bit better.
I think you mean "passed." ^.~
"Overtook" is one word.
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Overall, I really liked that! It was short and sweet and had the feeling of a folktale. A story that is simple, but elegant and full of metaphors. I feel like different people will interpret it differently, which is an excellent trait for a story! At first, I interpreted the light as being, literally, light. As in energy. But then it struck me that maybe this has religious meaning. The whole "and then there was light" bit sounded rather Biblical to me, and I'm not a religious person, but I wonder if maybe the "light" represents God, and how people use God's name for their own selfish devises, which will eventually lead to the end of the world. It's an intriguing premise, so be sure!
I have to go now, so I'll have to finish up the review, but the first thing I noticed was the strange formatting (Spoilers and Quotes and such) so I suggest you edit those out because they're distracting.
I'm sorry this was so quick, but I hope it helps some! Feel free to PM me or write on my wall if you have any questions/comments about anything I've said.
a
There was something... poetic about this story, even if I couldn't understand what you were talking about.
I loved the way you narrated it.
You absolutely have to write more!
- Alex