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One sided love

by MissDevonshire

Imagine us, you and I, as stars upon the sky.

For me hun, you're the sun.

There is however some sadness to this verse, cause I only exsist in the meare outskirts of your universe.

While your daze utterly peers my face. 

I have to cling on to the hope, that you'll find me if you look real deep into your telescope.

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108 Reviews

Points: 194
Reviews: 108

Wed Jun 12, 2019 4:28 pm
manilla wrote a review...

Hi! Manilla here for a review. Let's get right into it, shall we?

As a reader

For me[,] hun, you're the sun.

I understand the rhyme, but "hun" breaks the mood of the poem you set up - a little mystical, a lot magical, and glazed with hope. The choice of italics was also effective here.

There is however some sadness to this verse, cause I only exsist in the meare outskirts of your universe.

There's another two typos in this line, but it isn't significant enough to impact the story [Meare]-->mere. [Exsist]-->exist. This could be opinionated, but the part where you mention sadness could be removed. As a poet, for me at least, conveying sadness is part of the art form, but putting that in there could give your poem a vulnerability, a change.

While your daze utterly peers my face.

This is an incomplete thought. You could connect it somehow back to the previous line, or you could extend upon the idea. The usage of "peers"

I have to cling on to the hope, that you'll find me if you look real deep into your telescope.

The comma isn't necessary, but this is a great way to finish off your poem. It connects back to the celestial theme but it gives me the note that these beauties, this possible future for them could only be viewed from a distance.

As a writer
The voice of this poem was so prevalent in the sense that there was so much longing in this piece woven into the imagery. It's genuine and sounds like a dreamer is speaking these words with their eyes closed. I agree with silvermoon17 because your poem is short! I would love for you to extend upon this idea of lovers and the stars. It reminds me of folklore from around the world.

Also, the individual stanzas read as sentences. There's nothing wrong with doing this, but it's definitely at the borderline between poem (because of the formatting) and prose (the sentences). I think, for this case, it's another good choice.

Keep experimenting and playing with poetry! It's a giant in its own way, but if you learn how to climb upon its back you'll see from high above what the world can give you.

-Manilla out

manilla says...

So I read your profile and found out that English isn't your first language, so I hope my review wasn't too harsh. If it is, I'm sorry and I didn't mean to write it so critically.

Thank you for you review! I don%u2019t find your feedback to harsh. As I matter of fact I loved how detailed it is and it is very helpful. Thanks for taking such time%uD83D%uDC93

manilla says...

You're very welcome! <3

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105 Reviews

Points: 10668
Reviews: 105

Wed Jun 12, 2019 3:29 pm
silvermoon17 wrote a review...

I like the way you rhyme stuff in the sentence itself, and the fact it’s short. Too long- too forgettable. I like the telescope reference, (personally, that reminded me about a song (Telescope- Starset)) but I think you went much too fast, and that it was kinda vague the feeling you were trying to write down. It’s not a bad thing.. but we can’t really have stuff to ponder upon, since it’s too darn sHoRt. I mean, yeah; there is a beautiful complexity to this simplicity, it makes us thinks as well. Actually, the length is fine.. but try putting more than seven words in a sentence. Liked it btw.

Thank you for the review! I%u2019ll defenetely try to add some more lenght and I and I am considering writing another sentence but I just have to make it sound right. :)

I never travel without my diary. One should always have something sensational to read in the train.
— Oscar Wilde, The Importance of Being Earnest