Published December 12, 2009
I smell
death on the wind, chocking plumes of
purple smoke reminding me of lives lost.
I smell blood, staining walls of white,
and black ashes, the colour of mourning.
I see
weeping mothers and lost children,
the whole world is weeping today.
I see, a broken and battered landscape,
what happened to our peaceful town?
I taste
the dust of what used to be and can never be again.
I taste the tears of a thousand families,
who have lost what can’t be replaced.
I hear
bloodcurdling screams of agony,
piercing the black sky.
I hear the indestructible crackle of
the fire as it burns up memories
of happier days.
I feel
burns that cannot be healed with
medicines and only with the passing of time.
I feel the murderous heat of Black Saturday.
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140,929 Literary Works • 673,752 Reviews
This poem is more of a description. The main motive of any literary item is to make the reader feel. It should touch somebody's heart. This poem kind of fails to do so. The title and the poem is ways apart. By reading the title it seems that the poem signifies some kind of Happiness but the poem itself signifies something violent . You also could have used some metaphors to make the poem attractive. But still not a bad poem.
Hey Firefly, welcome to YWS! I love your avatar, very cute.
Is Black Saturday in reference to the brushfires that burned across Victoria in February? I thought this was a great poem that captured the senses and the emotions. My only complaint is that you seemed to use the same words over and over, like burn, black, and weeping. You could replace these with synonyms like scorch, sable, and wailing. Other than that, good job.
This poem, really surprised me I have to say. When I first saw the title. I thought it'd be about something 'happier' then what you described and said instead. The way you spaced out your stanzas and lines were a bit difficult to speak because of the way they were put. But I liked your word choices, and overall theme.
I like how you use the different senses in this poem. Sorry to say, the words don't flow, it's hard to get an image in your head when you read it. Try adding more description to each scene. Follow a theme and let the words flow. Make it easy and beautiful to read, because, that is what poetry is. Don't ever give up writing!
Hello, Miss-Firefly. I would just like to remind you that at YWS we have a 3:1 review to post ratio which means that you should review three works from other members before posting any work of your own. I suggest that you get started on those reviews so you can fix up your ratio, hmm?
So, I looked at this poem, and as I read it, I read it as prose with random line breaks. There aren't any poetic devices used, really, other than that. It reads like a narration instead of something that stands on its own. I don't know what you're referring to when you say 'Black Saturday', but I assume that it's an event that took place and was violent and life-changing. If you want to write a poem that describes the event, add something more.
I suppose that what I'm trying to say is that this poem is all dry description. Sure, it describes something that is purported to be horrible and bloody, but you should try to make the reader feel the horror instead of just reading about it. Try focusing on a specific angle of the event -- one person, for example. Or compare it to an object, a feeling, another event in order to extract the emotions you want from it.
Also, be sure to edit for spelling and punctuation.
If you have any questions about my review, please let me know!
Keep writing!
-Hannah-