My mother

I have Amended it now
with new words and Meaning is It Better or worse?
Does it still keep to the pattern and flow?

or is it completely out of depth?

Thanks
Again I am not english So I hope I have done my words some justice

OH! wow thanks so Much GUYS!

Other people just Mocked me for not using Correct Punctuation or Grammar

I would Like to state for the Record That I Am Not English
My Mother Tongue IS Afrikaans
I Tried to do this Poem Justice In English As my mothers' Family Came from England
But On My Dads' side of the Family WE are Dutch and Spanish speaking NOT me though lol
I never really Got Spanish All that well

Anyway I am So glad you guys liked it and that make me Feel like maybe I can progress into a Poet oneday?

Oh And "MEEVES" you did that poem justice I Had never heard of it before,I liked the way you described The umbilical Cord being a Spool of Tape!

This Poem of Mine came to me just like Every Other poem that floats freely to my mind (is that a good phrase to use i wonder?) well SHOULD I continue writing poetry Or not?
As The Great Shakespeare once wrote "To Be Or Not To Be That Is The Question"
and in my case To be A poet or Not?

Thanks again and God Bless

Hi! Thanks for your PM and of course I'll review things...I love to review...I must warn you that poetry isn't particularly my strong point but I will give it a go!

I think one of the major problems with this piece is the lack of punctuation. Here, I have taken the liberty to put the punctuation i suggest in for you...

From the womb whence we came

You passed along love and knowledge

For us to inherit.

One day we too shall give unto our children (I removed the words "so" here)
The same love and merit.

You were always there for Me Mom,

When ever I was down or feeling blue,

You picked me up gave me a hug and

Said "no matter what I will always love you". (removed "you do know")
You always knew just what to say and do

Now as I mature and grow through your nurture,

Just as a lion instinctively knows to feed her new born cubs in nature (don't like this line...the imagery doesn't fit in with the rest of it!)

So have you been there for me, (shouldn't it be "So you have been there for me" otherwise it sounds like a question)

Provided A safe Haven of love and security,

To make sure I reach my maturity.

I know I may have been a handful at times

And even given you grief And worry lines,

For that I am truly sorry for my crimes.

But I still am your boy the son you bore

Just now I need to Live my own life, and learn to soar.

To spread my wings and fly free from the loving nest

That which you provided me Taught me to trust. (not keen on the wording at the beginning of this line)

I know that my anguish can now be put to rest,

For the love I feel for you has been put to the test.

Know I will always Love and Honor you just as the Lord Commands us

for You were my Mentor My inspiration My friend.

My mother whom loves me No matter what to the very end.

Overall I really enjoyed reading it and I think the emotion behind it is beautiful and I'm sure your Mum will love it! Just a few minor issues and punctuation problems that can be easily rectified. f you want anymore help please feel free to PM me

Infact me thinking that it was about a space man bothered me so much I had to go and look it up:

Mother, any distance greater than a single span

requires a second pair of hands.

You come to help me measure windows, pelmets, doors,

the acres of the walls, the prairies of the floors.



You at the zero-end, me with the spool of tape, recording

length, reporting metres, centimetres back to base, then leaving

up the stairs, the line still feeding out, unreeling

years between us. Anchor. Kite.



I space-walk through the empty bedrooms, climb

the ladder to the loft, to breaking point, where something

has to give;

two floors below your fingertips still pinch

the last one-hundredth of an inch...I reach

towards a hatch that opens on an endless sky

to fall or fly.



OK so not about a space man, but it uses imagery of her holding the tape (metaphor for an umbilical cord) and then him falling or flying I think I got confused with space men. SORRY about that, anyway there it is lol!!!!

Meevs
x

First you need to review two other pieces of work before you post your own, its kind of a rule here, mkay?

This is ok, and I like that its a direct poem to your Mum. Have you read 'Mother' By Simon Armitage? Its kinda like growing up and flying the nest, but I think I f i remember rightly he uses it as if going into space or something...I might have just got that completley wrong its been a good four years since I had to study it.

Anyway take a look at it it reminded me a lot of your poem, and its always nice to compare things no?

Sorry that was a useless review!!!

Meevs
x

I really like the message you conveyed with this poem. Refreshing.

I suggest adding grammar. It hurts your poem without it.
Also, some lines were lengthy and messed with the "flow." Re-read and change those lines.

-Adrian