I am still looking for a good title. But anywho, here's the first chapter for anyone who cares.
"Valentina...RUN!" someone called from the group of people, mostly those souless demons. I didn't think twice, I just ran in any direction that got me away from there. And I never looked back once.
I stood still, as I searched for signs of zombie life. I had my dagger ready in my hand, and a shotgun strapped onto my back. Traveling light, that was the key. I finally heard some moaning and groaning, from my right. I froze. I barely even allowed myself to breathe. I heard panting as the zombie grew closer.
I began breathing heavily, guiding the zombie to the human scent he craved. When the zombie got an arms length away, I whirled around, and slid my dagger through the zombie's chest area. He fell. I looked at my victim. He seemed oddly familiar. Pale green skin tone, dark brown eyes, chestnut brown hair, and a missing nose. Without another thought, I stabbed my prey in the heart. Black liquid spurted out from his injury. I assumed that was the polluted blood. I quickly pulled out my dagger and got a safe distance away, before the blood got onto my clothes, and my skin. It could have infected me.
I continued walking along the deserted highway. Broken down cars littered the asphalt and I just moved my way through them. This was the first sign of life I had seen in a few days. I looked at one car. It was a foreign car, black in color, and one of the only cars that wasn't totaled. Intrigued, I walked over to it. With my dagger ready, I checked the backseats, and the front seats. Tan leather, not even the tiniest flaw. I smiled, and opened the door. The keys were in the ignition. I sat in the driver's seat, and I started the car.
I might've only been 14, but I've driven before, on a gravel road. When there's no humans in the world, cars are usually the safest means of travel. I put the car in Drive, and drove at a steady speed of 20 MPH* down the highway. Around all the other cars, and to the nearest exit. I should've stopped at the stoplight, but I just continued into the town.
The town was deserted. No sounds disturbed this quiet town. I passed all the shops in the town square. All were boarded up, and dark inside. Either there were people inside, hiding. Or the zombies had already gotten them. I continued in my newly acquired car, through the town. As quickly as I got into the town, the town flew past me.
Suddenly I saw a human figure in my way. I gasped as I pushed on the break. The car stopped only inches away from the person. This person looked healthy. Not at all like the monsters I had seen. Judging by looks, he was a teenage boy. He walked over to my window. I rolled it down halfway.
"Where you headed to?" The boy asked, in a low, scared voice.
"Ummm...where ever the road takes me. What about you?" I replied.
"Trying to find a government infirmary." The boy said.
"Why?" I asked, though I already knew.
"They have a cure. Now I've been trying to get to an infirmary by foot, but it's kind of hard. Do you think you could give me a lift?" The boy explained. Slowly, I nodded, and unlocked the doors. He slid into the passenger seat.
"Why do u need to find an infirmary?" I asked, as I drove. I didn't look at the boy.
"They have a cure! I need that cure." The boy said. I gulped, and kept looking forward.
"Did you...get...bit?" I asked.
"No. A zombie with really long nails scratched my arm. I was just barely able to get away. I haven't been able care for it at all. I'm afraid that I could catch the virus, you know, from the air. So I need to make sure I'm not infected." The boy explained.
"Let me pull over. I'll break into a supply store and find something to help your scratch." I said, pulling over. I parallel parked, terribly, and got out of the car. "I'll be right back. Don't unlock the doors, unless you see me." I ordered. The boy nodded, nervously.
I grabbed my shotgun and I headed toward a boarded up door. I found a glass window. I threw a rock through the glass. I stepped into the store. The store's lights worked very well. The store was well refrigerated, and I had no trouble finding the first aid area.
I looked for some antibiotics and gauze fabric. I almost shrieked with joy when I found the supplies I needed. I grabbed a couple other things, such as a couple candy bars, and a couple soda pops, on my way out of the store. When I stepped outside, I just ran quickly to the car. I slid into the driver's seat. I shut and locked the door.
I showed the boy that I had befriended the supplies I found. He nodded. I put the antibiotics on his scratch, followed by the gauze. I tucked the fabric, and I continued to drive some more. The boy opened up my soda for me. It had been so long since I had drank this substance. It was refreshing. I drove back out onto the highway. And the boy looked at me, as he took a sip of his soda.
"So what's your name?" The boy asked.
"I'm unnamed." I replied, still looking at the road. I don't know why but I always had the urge to distance myself from the people that wanted to get to know me. Especially since this zombie plague thing had began. You never knew who you could trust.
"Well my name is Zack." The boy replied. I nodded, still looking at the road. "Nice to meet you." he added.
"You too." I said.
* So I wrote MPH because I'm from the U.S. and we don't use the metric system, as you all may know. I don't know the metric system conversion.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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Hi Misguided
I really like this.
I only have one nit-pick
should be
That's all.
Can you pm me when you post more?
midnightread
Hey, I'm Belle and I'll be reviewing your piece!!
If you're trying to go for a pause in the speech of your characters I suggest the "..." instead of so many commas.There are only a few nitpicks that I have with it. First of all, one thing that really stuck out to me was your use of commas, and a lot of them were almost completely unnecessary.
especially here. Obviously they're both a little nervous so the triple period thing would work a lot better if you're trying to make it seem that way. Like: "Did you...get...bit?"
These aren't all of them, they're just the ones that stuck out the most to me. I also noticed that you use the word "and" a lot, so after awhile, it got a bit redundant.
One more thing. I get that it's supposed to be a sort of mystery, and that the story will unravel itself as it progresses, but your writing is kind of vague, and I think that if you gave us a more vivid description , especially when it comes to the senses of your character, then the story would be more gripping than it already is.
That's pretty much all i had to say about it. I think that you did an amazing job and i can't wait to read more of your story!
Sincerely, Belle