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Capital Punishment 1/2

by MischiefMaker

Published March 4, 2008

I've finished this one a lot quicker than the last part, so it probably needs some going over. All suggestions are ultimately welcome, and if you're new to the story, don't forget to catch up on the rest.

Chater One Continued

She sighed impatiently as she jabbed her thumb against the elevator lift button, tapping her foot against the panelled flooring while the level numbers decreased, sending her temper to the roof.

She hadn’t been this angry since…- No, forget about that.

A shrill ‘ping’ of a bell echoed around the hallway, followed by the whirring of the elevator doors opening. Paige stepped aside politely, waiting for the sea of people to disperse to their offices before stepping into the glass box. She clung to the metal bar as she travelled upward, the elevator overlooking the busy front street, where people in pinstriped suits that cost a month’s wages milled around with mobile phones glued to their ears.

She clicked her tongue in the silence, glancing past the bustle of the main street to see a sliver of countryside. Maybe I could move, she thought longingly, onto to grip the bar tighter and shake her head. She wasn’t running away again because of a silly dream.

“Level sixteen.” A calm automated voice pronounced, as the elevator shuddered to a halt and the doors parted.

“Thanks.” She muttered bitterly, walking from the elevator and making her way up the empty hallway, towards the looming oak doors. She could already hear a whisper of conversation behind the doors and she straightened her blouse. She hated the job, but this was her last chance and if that meant serving coffee, then so be it.

With a rap of her knuckles on the door, she slipped in, nodding her head lightly to the director of the company, who sat at the head of the table, and making her way to the tea trolley in the corner.

“’Bout time, huh?” Came the thick Texan drawl, making Paige turn and plaster a smile of apology over her lips.

“Sorry. I had to finish up some other work first,” she replied politely, turning back to the tea trolley and suppressing the urge to shudder. “Would you gentlemen like tea, or coffee?”

“Give us all a shot of coffee!” Boomed that voice once again and Paige shot a smile back at the director, Giles Yaddle, nodding. He was a sweaty man, with thick rimmed glasses and a mole on his forehead that stuck out. He wore his shirt with the first three buttons open, and a dirty smile always played about his lips.

It didn’t surprise her that he had been sued for sexual harassment twice.

While she poured out the coffee, he turned back to the suits in the room, pointing at a frail looking man with a wave of hair covering his forehead.

“Okay, so how are you gonna sort this crap out?”

The man coughed nervously and fidgeted through the mountain of papers before him.

“I… We were thinking that maybe, we should find another backer?” He seemed to recoil into his seat as he spoke, like a dog who had just wet the rug.

“And where will we find this backer exactly, huh?” Giles asked, almost scowling at the man, who seemed to be shrinking.

“The… The Heracia’s are in town, setting up their new business. They were a big hit in Los Angeles and seem to have a talent.”

The coffee pot clattered to the floor and Paige scrambled to pick it up, inching away from the increasing puddle of steaming coffee that was gathering on the floor.

“Good Lord. What do you think you’re doing?” Giles proclaimed, slamming his palm on the table top. Paige winced at the sound and righted herself, placing the pot carefully on the tea tray.

“Sorry, sir. It just slipped from my hand,” she murmured, balling her hands into fists to stop them from shaking.

“Just can’t the staff nowadays, can you fellas?” He chuckled, pressing the buzzer on his intercom. “Janice, come clean this mess up.” He shouted into the speaker, flicking it off before the woman on the other end could reply. “Now, don’t worry your pretty little head about it, Miss. We’ll get this cleaned up in a minute. Then, you can make some more.”

Paige nodded hesitantly.

Comments & reviews · 6
GryphonFledgling wrote a review Review · May 2, 2008

She clung to the metal bar as she travelled upward. The elevator overlooked the busy front street, where people in pinstriped suits that cost a month’s wages milled around with mobile phones glued to their ears.


Whoa dang, that's a long sentence there. Breaking it up where my inserted period is might make it a little clearer and flow better.

“Give us all a shot of coffee!” boomed that voice once again


Even when there is a punctuation mark other than a comma at the end of a sentence of dialogue (such as an exclamation point or a question mark) the first letter of the dialogue tag still must be in lowercase.

Paige's character seems to be totally different here. Why is she more of a trusted hitman in the prologue, whereas here she is relegated to the office coffeegirl? I'm a little confused, but then, I haven't read much further. Perhaps things will be explained then. It just seems strange to go from her being this cool, calculating assassin in the prologue, while in this chapter, she is roiling with inner emotions, even if she doesn't show them. And she seems really awkward, rather than controlled like in the prologue. She might have been really surprised to hear about the Heracias, but it seems to me she needs to be able to control herself a little bit more.

I dunno, it just seemed that she was a little inconsistent with our first impression of her in the prologue.

Anyway, moving on to read more, I am. Very nice work with the descriptions here. How I hate oily men... *shudders*

~GryphonFledgling

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Rydia
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Rydia wrote a review Review · Mar 14, 2008

This section is much better and more like your prologue. The description is beautiful and the characterization of the director is perfect. In fact, there is very little to fault. It advances the plot well and helps to show both Paige's inner anger and turmoil and also her ability to hide it and appear mild, maybe even meek. That's good.

A few small comments -

She hadn’t been this angry since…- No, forget about that. [The punctuation needs work here and it could be just that touch more dramatic. Maybe something like 'She hadn't been this angry since... No. Forget that.']

She clung to the metal bar as she travelled upward, the elevator over-looking the busy front street, where people in pinstriped suits that cost a month’s wages milled around with mobile phones glued to their ears.

Maybe I could move, she thought longingly, onto to grip the bar tighter and shake her head.[This sentence makes little sense. I think you need to take another look, probably just a typo]

“Thanks.” [A comma here and a small letter for she.] She muttered bitterly, walking from the elevator and making her way up the empty hallway, towards the looming oak doors.

“Just can’t get the staff nowadays, can you fellas?”

________________________________
In general, I like this a lot and I wish I could be more useful with my critiques. Feel free to pm me with questions,

Heather xx

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GingerLizzy
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GingerLizzy commented Comment · Mar 8, 2008

Have you heard that you got a nomination for the best Action/Adventure category? I thought it was great and so thought I should come and tell you.

I think you have a really nice idea here, and I know I have already reviewed your piece, but I think you need to have some more reviews on here so that people can show that they're enjoying it.

You have a very nice idea.

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Kaliber
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Kaliber wrote a review Review · Mar 6, 2008

Man, i feel like i have missed alot.

I noticed that i had to read one or two sentances twice to completely get them.

I love it. im going to have to get caught up with the story. :)

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GingerLizzy
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GingerLizzy wrote a review Review · Mar 6, 2008

Oh, I've just read your prologe and stuff.

I'm not normally browsing this part of the site, so excuse me if this review is completely pointless. I like the idea of the whole hitman thing, I think it's quite good. I can't wait to see how she handles with the pressure of the Heracias.

You've created a lively piece here and I think you've made good lengthy chapter parts for people to follow. I'm a little iffy about the way that the director speaks to her and think it may be a little disorganized, but I'm not so sure. Just feelings really.

Good work.
Ginge

:]



The inner machinations of my mind are an enigma.
— Patrick Star