Yume©Zoey H.
Yuki Suzumiya©Amy B.
Suzumiya was born in a small town below many mountains.
the people in the town had ways of mastering the art and manipulation of snow. Of course Yuki had been begun learning at a small age.
At about the age of six, Yuki began to teach herself other arts, such as martial arts, which had been practically forbidden, so she had to train in the backwoods of town.
Yuki was said to be born a curse, or a sign of the ultimate doom for them all. Her hair was a very unnatural color, and her eyes were so blue that not even the clearest lake or the caribean seas could match the color.
Yuki’s best friend had been another girl said to have been a doom for them all. She had horns on her head. Although other’s thought they were hideous, Yuki found that she liked them. The girl had been named Ayame. Ayame had an odd power, it was some sort of telekinesis, that allowed her to use invisible ‘hands’ to grab things, of a certain range.
Of course bad luck had fallen at this town, the bad luck had most certainly been Ayame. Once after practicing martial arts Yuki came into the village to see a woman lying face down on the ground, in a pool of blood. Yuki’s small scream seemed to echo throughout the town.
Yuki had raced home only to see the most horrific thing she should ever witness. Her mothers head had been torn of and thrown across the room. But Yuki could not see what had done it.
Of course being only the age of seven when this had occurred, Yuki had run in and screamed at her mother to come back. then she felt a chill, and looked to her right, to see Ayame, if looks could kill, Yuki would have been dead.
Yuki felt something squeezing her neck, choking her. She did the instinctive and grabbed what was choking her, trying to crush it within her grasp. Tears came the Yuki’s eyes, and then poured down the sides of her faces.
Suddenly Ayame’s eyes widened, and a flash came to her mind, two girls on a swingset, singing merrily, then the bloodied face of another girl, sobbing and gasping for air.
The choking was gone from Yuki, Ayame had set her free. Yuki looked at Ayame, tears still in her eyes. Ayame had been covoring her right eye, and from what Yuki could see, the other was crying. Yuki arose and walked sullenly to the door, lingering and looking back at Ayame, then she turned back and left.
Yuki had never once gone back to the town that day, although even if she had there would be nothing there.
After leaving the town Yuki lived alone, in the middle of a huge swamp, until she was about eight, and stumbled upon a village, where she met her long time best friend Yume. Yume was probably the most comical person Yuki had ever met, she was always coming up with ways to make her laugh, which made her the perfect best friend for Yuki, because Yuki was usually sad.
From then on, Yuki’s life had little danger, and she lived at the village with Yume until she had turned fifteen, which was when her and Yume set out on a journey.
And so that was how the adventures of Yuki Suzumiya began.
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Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm Knight Hardy here on a mission to ensure that all works on YWS has at least two reviews. You will probably never see this but....Imma do this anyway.
First Impression: This one was a bit fast paced and it was just a little rushed. It's written in the style of something like a fairy tale. It just straight up narrated a story which isn't a bad thing i'm just pointing that out. And it doesn't seem to have that much of an actual moral or something along those lines so I'm not quite sure what it is trying to do but let us take a closer look.
Anyway let's get right to it,
Definitely a fairy tale style opening there.
Going through those fast but it works okay...its not telling us much but it gives a decent generic idea.
Decent introduction to this character.
And this is what throws it off slightly. Here it all slows down to show us this one action scene here and that makes this a little off. Overall it's a pretty emotional scene here but sandwiched by those two information dumps it looses its ability to be that effective. If you just to stuck to this scene and added this information a little bit more subtly I feel like this one scene could convey so much more emotion and just be much more effective as a short story but that's just what I think.
This whole part really does nothing for the story as a short. If it was like a prologue or something this would make more sense but the ending doesn't really do much here.
Aaand that's it for this one.
Overall: So the overall idea behind this is something that I can get behind. It sounds like pretty cool and you could definitely write quite the story out of this but this in itself doesn't have the greatest flow to it and it just doesn't quite sound nice. Still it was quite fun to read.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry