An old poem that i found from a few months ago. I used to think that I was "dead" for a few months. It was a horrible time of my life. Now reading this poetry, I just laugh at myself for being dramatic...until I remember that pain I used to feel in my chest everyday
She sits alone
Trapped in her anguish
The cold feeling of
Lost hope and misery
Living her eternal nightmare
Called "Life"
But how can she be alive
When she feels so dead inside?
The only thing keeping her by
Is the deady practice she's come to trust
Digging into her skin
Letting the jet black feeling
Rain down in crimson
Creating a design of pathetic scars
Hoping to cut this misery short
Without ending the fragment of life
She has to call her own
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Canary word: Present
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hello there! I’m Roon, nice to meet you, I’ll start with nitpicks!
Okay, so I think this is a good idea, it’s something that we will all be able to relate to, we’ve all had bad spots. I think, though, that it could come of a little more elegantly. You need to make us feel something for the voice in the poem, because, at the moment we feel quite detached.
I think your rhythm is good, it flows nicely, but I think adding stanza breaks would enhance this piece greatly. The use of capitalisations every time you start a new line is very distracting, it makes for confusing reading, as it prepares the reader for a new idea, etc.
I think this poem was obviously written at a time of great emotion, as you said, but you should make the reader feel this more deeply. Sometimes your ideas are confused, and it is a little difficult to delve into it as well as we could.
Your phrasing is sometimes a little odd, and punctuation is practically nonexistent! You should think about adding this, I know people sometimes leave it out to show confusion, but I think it would benefit from it.
Your imagery is odd too, I think that better imagery could bring this poem to life.
Other than that, this is nice, and very good for a first piece, keep working on it, and you’ll be magnificent! I can see the beginnings of emotion showing through, you just need a little work to bring it out!
If you have a problem with anything I’ve said, a question, a chat, or you just want another review, please don’t hesitate to contact me!
~ Roon
I have to agree with the comment on the line, a bit cliche.
However, this work was very emotful in a straightforward way that diddnt loose me in contrived or even BS'd symbolism and attempted origionality.
This theme is laid out for me in all it's simplicity and the work itself lends the air of easy reading to it all.
I was able to go over the whole work and not be lost in side thoughts or off interpritations.
Well done.
Hope to see more
WELCOME new member!! and about the poem
I think it has a simplicity to it that makes it good.
these lines are a little cliche. feel like I've heard them before. other than that like i said simple but good. good balance of imagery and emotion. keep it up.