It amuses me how some people can be heartless
and how some people can be worthless
and how some people can change your life by a song
When you ask me how it feels
i'll tell you it's all good but just so you do not worry
Do you really want to know what goes on in that little red heartshaped thing?
Imagine this now.. a mine worker with his mine boots stepping on shattered glass, breaking them into even small pieces.
Imagine this... A person living at home but refers to home as a strange place
Now this... A person who thinks they have someone to turn to but actually has no single soul to look through.
I've shared what i feel, now don't go off telling others what i feel.
Keep it a secret, because no one knows
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Canary word: Present
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125,017 Literary Works • 672,850 Reviews
The only problem I see is that a few of the lines are a bit long. Try and make the long lines into two shorter lines.
I was very pleasantly surprised by that first line. That is one of the best ones I've seen all day. Very eyegrabbing, and sets up an instant character for the listener/reader (this might not be too bad read aloud).
Like I've been saying for the last 3-5 reviews, keep it up and have a nice day!
Hey there!
You have a lovely writing style, you really do. It's kind of unique, which is lovely, and it works with the poem that you've written. I do think that some of what you've said seems rushed, almost as though you were desperately trying to cram it all into one line, or even one poem. But, as you have such nice ideas, it would be nice if they were expanded, or even linked together more.
~Amy
Your use of words your fluence was ok i enjoy your poem just that the beginnig lost a lot of puntuation. I love your poem.
Hey Miral!
I, like Juniper, find the way you knit your words together appealing.
But anyways!
To expand on what was mentioned above, I think an extended metaphor would really help you draw out your ideas. As they are jumbled up here, it has a lot of potential but you drown them in other ideas, ending with several washout ideas and metaphors.
Take one of your metaphors and expand on it over a stanza, or the entire poem.
A simple example of an extended metaphor would be, 'The Sea' By James Reeves:
See how is draws out his idea of the sea being a dog? Expanding it to the details of what it does with it's paws and teeth.
I think this would be the most beneficial for you to try this out. But do keep writing poetry, I see you've got quite the potential, just keep practicing.
And if you ever need tips/help with anything, drop me a line.
Kamas
Miral --
There's something intriguing about the way you write, although I can't say what it is. I like the rush that your words carry on with when you start going, but that's besides the point.
Here, I felt that there were a few ideas in this that have been pressed together in a possibly not-so-effective manner. I think it might have been better if you gave each idea room to breathe -- try not to cloud it up with so much metaphor and such, dear. Let the poem live, and don't suffocate your ideas either. When you write, focus.
Here, I can't say that I enjoyed this as much as your other. I'm a touch confused at where we're standing, because the mine analogy threw me off a bit. I think you need to zero in on a better focal point, dear, and work from there.
June