Goodbye, Butterfly

This was cute, but kind of cliche. sorry. I'd try and lose some of the "poeticness" and just say what you feel if your rhyme scheme is holding you back, then just get rid of it. I can see you're trying, so keep up the good work! Make sure you're a slave to your subject, not your rhyme. I really like your final line
"Goodbye, Butterfly."
It was cute and final. good work!

Belle here to review!


Oh this is just beautiful! Oh soo sooo lovely Ma'dear <3 And to think you're only 13~

Honey, I think this is so simple and sweet, But now I'm going to have to be mena old me and say something.

I am all about salsa words! Colorful words that spice up your writing! And darlin', I don't see any. That is my one and only critique. This is really really great!


Thanks for reading until here <3

~Belle

Welcome to YWS. I'll be reviewing your poetry today, so just a few things:

Rhythm/Rhyme:
So reading your poem, some of the rhyme seem a little forced. When it is forced it doesn't flow as easy while reading. Also, just remember: poetry doesn't have to rhyme. The first stanza in the second and third line is a forced rhyme and it just doesn't fit well with me. I've also seen these exact lines elsewhere. I find they are thrown in together often with a lot of poetry. After all there are only so many words that rhyme with heart right?

Also the last line in the second stanza breaks up your flow as well. See how you're keeping the lines pretty short and then BAM! long sentance line? It breaks it up when not done correctly. To fix this take out the "little words" which are the unecessary ones. Here try taking out "though", Change you to your, take out "mean", and take out "all". Shortens it up a little more.

Grammar:
From what I can see, no misspellings here. Good job. However, I agree with one of the reviewers below: you can take out some of the commas and replace them with a period to give the reader some relief when reading this. If you need help with the specifics of this, just PM me. It took me awhile to grasp the concept on proper punctuation in a poem, and I'm still always learning something new.

Content:
So, reading this, I did find some of this cliche. This is ok though and can be worked on. As I said, I've made these mistakes so I'm speaking from personal experience. Some of the more cliche lines:
"You've dwelt within my heart"
"Spread your wings,
I will let you go"
"Now go fly,
Please return again someday"

Now, how many times have you heard these? I'd warrent you've heard them said in cheesy love movies (chick flicks) or read elsewhere. Now, I will say, writing about love is one of the HARDEST things to write about. It's because it's an emotion that has been felt by millions of people who then write about it. However use a more unique metaphor and different imagery and you might find yourself going somewhere with this.

I don't mean to be harsh, but honest. It'll improve your writings with reviews such as this. I know it really helped develop my writing style and it's still improving. Keep your chin up. Good luck and keep writing!
~Kay

In the first stanza it seems as if you were forcing the rhyme. I like how you used the simile though, I love similes!

I love the second stanza, it's so cute and also upsetting. This is something most of everybody can relate to.

The last stanza is good, but I don't think the third line really works. It's like you are saying you want them to leave, which I know that is not what this poem is getting at.

That's really all I have to say, this was such a cute poem! Keep writing.
Toodles.

Oh my goodness, I love, love, love this! It is a beautiful poem and I can not wait until I see more of your work. If you're this good at 13, I can only imagine how good you will become. Please let me know when you post something else.

Hi,
the whole "if you love someone, set them free" bit drew me to this. I always think that's a very mature idea of love, one which I like to stick to and unfortunately a lot of people can't empathise with.
But anyway... review!

So, I see you're only 13 and you've only joined recently so welcome to YWS! I hope you post lots of work on here and both enjoy and take on board what any reviews say. After all, we're all to help each other out and produce fantastic writing

There's a lot of commas in this poem. Sometimes, I think they could actually be replaced with fullstops. For example- "Now go fly. Please return..." It just saves the reader from getting out of breath if the poem is read aloud. After all, poetry is written to be spoken! (at least i think so anyway haha.)

I would have liked the poem to be longer, although I understand that you were going for the simple, short and sweet vibe here. Also, as I just commented on someone elses work, my favourite love poems are those which are really personal. If you have some real-life examples, then put them in! Have a read of Duffy's work, she does this brilliantly.

Hope to see you more of your work on YWS!

Helen

Hi, MindBlown ^-^ firstly, I lovvve your profile pic haha This is a really nice peace and it inspires me to check out more of your work for sure! Anyhoo, about the piece. . . .

"This was m favorite part:
For as long a I can recall,
You've dwelt within my heart,
Like my favorite piece of art,
Can I stand the withdrawal?

Although I love you so,
Spread your wings,
I will let you go,
Though you mean more than all these things.

Now go fly,
Please return again someday,
I will see you away,
Goodbye, Butterfly."

Oh no. . . I guess that's the entire thing
hahahaha xD
But honestly! LOVED the opening, beautiful, deep, emotional, HUMAN. A robot isn't speaking, but a true soul of a person. I admire your piece and hope to learn from your style, which is personal and passionate from what I can see ^-^
Keep writing, posting, and I'll always be there to review and give advice c:

Catnip~

Hi there, and welcome to YWS!

First of all, I love how your poem has multiple possible interpretations. Now, I know from the sidebar that you're thirteen, but the first thing that came to mind was a mother talking to a child--the child might be going to school for the first time or moving out of her parents' house.

And then I thought of a couple who are going their separate ways, and one is resigned to the fact that the other is leaving.

...and then I got to the last line when it actually says "goodbye, butterfly," and I figured that, hey, this could be a straightforward Robert Frost kind of poem that actually is just about a butterfly.

Anyway, whatever your intention, this poem is wonderfully ambiguous.

I just have two suggestions:

1. Punctuation! We often feel we should just put a comma at the end of every line, but that's not so. My suggestion is to rewrite the poem in paragraph form. Do you still need the commas where you put them? If not, delete them before putting the poem back in poem form. Like so:

"Although I love you so, Spread your wings, I will let you go, Though you mean more than all these things."

In paragraph form, we would punctuate it this way:

"Although I love you so, spread your wings. I will let you go, though you mean more than all these things."

2. The last line of the stanza I used for #1. "Though you mean more than all these things." What things? What things is the speaker comparing the addressee to? Specific examples will give us more of a depth of the speaker's feelings than simply saying "all these things."

I hope this helps and that you enjoy your time here at YWS!

~Blue

P.S. I'm a mentor, so if you have any questions, just let me know.