The Fury
deadly in silence
most quiet in crowds
forgotten when ignored
boiling and burning beneath
growing as we part together, alone
i watch the fire scorching behind my eyes
It rises higher, bigger everyday, but unnoticed
we only see
The Explosion
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Milomex,
Lovely experimentation in form and content. Is that supposed t o be a mushroom cloud? *ponders*
Another point of interest for me was the tone. It's actually quite nice, I can definitely feel that boiling rage, I can dig the fact that it doesn't get hindered by punctuation, and that hidden anger gets emphasized I think, since you work mostly in fragments. Punctuation wise though, it still needs to be consistent. You have commas in some places, and then in others you don't. Overall there is this lack of punctuation that I think works, but when it does show up, it's awkward. Likewise with the capitalization, you don't capitalize anything, but then you capitalize that "It" in the 7th stanza. I'd just take out the punctuations and capitalization altogether and see how that works.
That's about all I can comment on. I just wish it were longer and developed more 8D I think it's one of those pieces that I can so thoroughly enjoy for what it does, and once it's over, I only wish there were more. You've got amazing talent though to put this all together. All in all, I'd say it was executed extremely well!
Milomex, might you be interested in this? I think you'd do very well, let me know.
~ as always, Audy
Audy! First of all, thanks for the comment!
I can understand your point regarding the punctuation, it's something that I should have paid more attention to. Removing the commas might keep the flow going and it would fit better with what I was trying to achieve. I have to say the capitalization of 'it' was an accidental thing. The program I work with does that automatically.
I'm glad you enjoyed it though. I find poetry quite personal and to share it is a step that I don't take too often.
About the link, it looks very interesting, but I'm afraid that I might be too busy. That, and timezones are always a problem. xD Maybe I can find the time, we'll see.