Hey Millars
Let's get right into this then!
I didn't feel like there was anything particularly wrong with your writing, except maybe as Trident points out, you seem to squeeze a lot of unnecessary description into a short amount of space. So it almost stops the action all together so you can describe her hair or her jumper or her skin. Be careful with this because you don't want your writing to have this stop and starting sensation you want it to flow along and be easy to read. For example, I didn't feel like you needed to tell me how long her scars were or go into quite that much detail about the differing ones. It was kind of like you were battering me around the head going 'She cuts herself! Feel sorry for her! She cuts herself!'
The main thing that struck me here though was the main character. To me she seems mainly like a cardboard cut out of a 'messed up' teenager. She cuts herself, she listens to a particular type of music, looks a certain way, her parents live in a mansion and make her her own room yet she's still unhappy...it's just a little tired and feels a little superficial. I'm not saying this is all completely wrong, I'm just saying I want more depth to this. I want more individuality, something that makes me connect to her and I just feel like that isn't there right now. Right now all I am thinking is 'Oh...another story about teenage angst.' And that's a shame because I don't think you're a bad writer.
Having said that, this is Part 1. So maybe the depth comes later...maybe there is more to this girl than meets the eye. So I'd look forward to seeing the next instalment
If you have any questions then feel free to PM me!
Bex x
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Reviews: 272
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