Published November 6, 2011
It's a simply terrible thing
how our love see-saws like a broken swing
Never pause to take a breath
Now invigorated later death
It's always the same story
always thinking you've got the glory
And if you're blindfold could disappear
You'd realize I'm standing here
Watch as the flowers on your bedside die
As the seasons endlessly rush by
They’ll wilt with our forgotten love
As depressing as a black dove
You'll never give me a reason why
as you wish that I would die
You'll never let me work things out
Just stand there with your doubt
It's always the same story
always thinking you've got the glory
And if you're blindfold could disappear
You'd realize I'm standing here
Watch as the flowers on your bedside die
As the seasons endlessly rush by
They’ll wilt with our forgotten love
As depressing as a black dove
Never want to take a break...
Always want the thing I take...
Never want to watch me soar...
Always want to break me more...
It's always the same story
always thinking you've got the glory
And if you're blindfold could disappear
You'd realize I'm standing right here
Watch as the flowers on your bedside die
As the seasons rush by
They’ll wilt with our forgotten love
As depressing as a black dove
As depressing as a black dove
As depressing as a black dove
As depressing as our...love.
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141,344 Literary Works • 674,369 Reviews
Hello,
I thought, overall, the images in this were superb! The title just draws you in and the chorus was pretty strong. One of my pet peeves are poems and lyrics that rhyme. It is very rare that they are completely, totally fantastic. In my opinion, I think some of your rhymes took away from these lyrics - it restricts what you can say.
Anyway, I'll stop ranting. The first stanza, it was my favorite! One thing though, "Now invigorated, later death" put a coma to separate the ideas.
In this case, I think the rhyming really works for this stanza. One thing: I'm pretty sure you don't mean "And if you are blindfold could disappear" --- It should be And if your blindfold could disappear. So you need to change you're to your.
This is the place where the rhyming works against you. I found this stanza unclear.
Only suggestion: Don't use 'break' twice.
I like how it ends. Ok, I hope I wasn't too hash and didn't rant too much. Always keep writing!
A very heart-wrenching unfold, I should say. The piece was very mending for the reader. I loved this piece! The poetry was profound artistic work. Be careful not to lengthen to many sentences in one line so as to not bog the story. But the title also captivated my emotions throughout the poem. I have to say this was beyond what i expected. The last line really hit it off. Keep up the great work. And don't be afraid to use some English format old words