SCENE 1
(BRADLEY and JANICE are in the middle of the woods, walking down a faint path in the road. BRADLEY is holding a flyer.)
JANICE
you’re SURE this is the right place?
BRADLEY
It does seem a little…. out of the way. But it must be! I read all the instructions written on the flyer.
(close up of the flyer. It is very poorly made, with many misspellings. Crude drawings of ghosts wearing top hats are scrawled on it.)
BRADLEY (reads it out loud)
“VOLUNTEER OPPORTUNITY! LOOKING FOR TEENS WITH KNOWLEDGE OF PERFORMING ARTS AND THE SUPERNATURAL. WE ARE LOCATED IN THE BRADBURY WOODS. FOLLOW THE PATH. IF YOU REACH AN INTERSECTION., CHOOSE THE MOST FADED AND OMINOUS ROAD. KEEP GOING TILL YOU REACH AN ABANDONED THEATRE. WE’LL BE THERE. 7PM OCTOBER 30.”
JANICE
Wait, THAT’S what it says? What the hell did you get us into?
BRADLEY
They’re probably just some quirky film majors who want to make a spooky movie in the middle of the woods.
JANICE
Sure.
BRADLEY
C’mon Janice, what else would it be? You don’t believe in ghosts, do you?
JANICE
Of course not! But it could be, I don’t know, some cult that wants to like, indoctrinate us! Or sacrifice us to some bloodthirsty god!
BRADLEY
C’mon, you’re being dramatic.
JANICE
I’m looking out for my safety!
BRADLEY
Ok, then why are you still following me? Curious?
JANICE
Because I love you, and if you were sacrificed in some cult ritual I’ll feel guilty.
(sighs)
And… I guess I’m sort of curious.
BRADLEY
Ha! I knew it.
(the path is cut off. It’s a dead end.)
Aw, man. Where are we supposed to go now?
JANICE
guess we’ll have to turn back. What a shame.
BRADLEY
Oh wait! there!
(he points to a rotting sign. VOLUNTERRS GO THIZ WAY is scratched on it, seemingly with some kind of long claws)
JANICE
Yeah, we’re turning back. (she grabs BRADLEY’S arm)
BRADLEY (refusing to budge)
C’mon, we can’t turn back now! This is getting really cool!
JANICE
ugh, fine.
(JANICE keeps holding onto his arm, now out of fear as they descend into the woods. Soon, it becomes very dark, so dark you can only see their eyes- yes this is just bc i want animating to be easier for a bit)
BRADLEY
ooh, spooky
JANICE (despairingly)
I’m going to die here.
BRADLEY
Wait, look! A light!
(we can see an orange light in the distance)
JANICE
thank god.
(they reach an old theater. It is abandoned, and the roof is caved in. without speaking, they enter the building. Standing on the stage, holding a microphone, is ROSIE, a strange girl with pale green skin and sharp teeth. Her eyes are black and empty. She is very clearly a ghost.)
ROSIE (singing)
The name on everybody’s lips is gonna be- Roxie! The lady rakin‘ in the chips is gonna be Roxie. I’m gonna be a celebrity, that means somebody everyone knows. They’re gonna recognize my eyes, my hair, my teeth, my-
BRADLEY
Um, excuse me?
JANICE
shhh!
ROSIE (her speaking voice is not as pleasant as her singing voice- it is very high pitched and harsh)
Forest, what did I say about interrupting me in the middle of a performance?
BRADLEY
Uh, sorry, we were just… you see we got this flyer-
ROSIE
Hold on… are you two ALIVE?
BRADLEY
um… yeah I think so
ROSIE
Everyone! We’ve got an audience!
BRADLEY
Wait, what’s happening?
(a swarm of ghosts comes out onto the stage and into the aisles. Some are more human-shaped like Rosie, while others are in the form of smaller ghosts with top hats, like the ones on the flyers. FOREST, a short, androgynous looking ghost with a nervous demeanor, and JADE, a bored looking ghost with black eyeshadow and lots of jewelry, make their way out of the crowd to stand next to ROSIE.)
ROSIE
I knew someone would stumble upon our humble theater eventually! We’ve been practicing our show for a while… about, um… What year is it?
BRADLEY
Um…
Look, someone gave us this flyer. They said you needed help with a, uh, volunteer opportunity? Do you know anything about that?
(pause. Rosie studies the flyer)
ROSIE
Gosh, no! What would we need volunteers for? You must be in the wrong place.
FOREST
Uh, that was me…. I needed volunteers for…. uh…. stage crew.
ROSIE
stage crew?
FOREST (lying)
uh huh
ROSIE
Forest, we’ve already got a stage crew! That was totally unnecessary effort on your part. Nevertheless, I’m glad you’re here! We can put on a wonderful show for you two!
JADE
We’re FINALLY doing an open night? Does that mean we can finally stop practicing this goddamn show?
ROSIE
You know what I’ve always said, Jade. We’re not stopping until we can finally perform this show in front of a FULL. HOUSE.
JADE
You know what I’VE always said, Rosie. We’re dead. It’s never going to happen!
(while they bicker, FOREST takes BRADLEY and JANICE aside to talk)
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,021 Literary Works • 672,739 Reviews
Hello! I'm here to leave a short review for you using the YWS S'more Method!
Top Graham Cracker - What I Know
I love this concept of a theater run by ghosts, it's a great setting for an animated film with lots of comedy and unique characters! From my interpretation, Bradley and Janice are probably either siblings or dating, or perhaps best friends, but nonetheless have a close, casual relationship with each other, though their personalities don't exactly match, which might bring slight conflict later. Meanwhile the ghosts have this theater most likely because do not have much left to do now that they are dead, so they resort to other forms of entertainment, but of course theater requires an audience.
Slightly Burnt Marshmallow - Room for Improvements
I don't have much to say here, because from what I can tell, I think this was a good introduction to the story! The only thing I can think of are things to give your story even more depth, like presenting an internal conflict with Bradley and Janice, or maybe something about their past or a flaw that they have that will become a problem later, like a fear of ghosts or something. You don't need to add any of these, these are just suggestions if you want to add more to your story or to have more intriguing stakes/suspense.
Chocolate Bar - Highlights of the Piece
I think there was a lot of good character development in this part of the film! We can tell that Janice is kind of cynical whereas Bradley is more hopeful and adventurous, but they are both curious about this mysterious flyer. I love the characterization of the ghosts too, we can tell that they're sort of like misfits, with differing personalities, which makes them interesting to watch/read, and also makes them very likeable. Like I said before, the concept of the story is very cool, and is great for an animated film. It's also really funny that the ghosts can't spell, or at least Forest can't, so there's a lot of comedy in the show too.
Closing Graham Cracker - Closing Thoughts
Overall, I think it's a great beginning to an animated film, I hope you continue writing it and will animate it one day, I would love to see it! There's a lot you can do with this story, I can't wait to see. Keep writing!!
- Ant
tysm for your review!!!!!
im glad u like the idea!
Hey Milesperhour133! This is Alex, here to drop a review. A script for an animation film, how fun! I must admit, I haven't really analysed such a thing before. But I'll still try my best to be helpful. I've also never read a piece by you before so here's to new things! Let's dive right in.
Firstly I love the idea and setting. It sounds just about where every horror movie begins but the plot is something new. I like how the protagonists are the complete opposite, offering more diverse perspectives to the reader (or audience). That's a killer cover art as well!
I think 'But' might do better than 'And'. Also for theatrical emphasis, you might want to use 'I AM' instead of 'I'm'. I believe if delivered in a 'rolling the eyes kinda' tone, it can land really well.
Oh, I've got an idea! I think Janice should sigh of relief before saying that maybe she's delivers this line in an almost cheerful tone, trying to cover it up so it comes out like sarcasm.
Hmm.. I sense an untapped potential for a comic dialogue here. How about something like this instead -
Nooooo, I'm too young/pretty to die!
I think it sounds much more effective but it's totally your call.
I feel this was a plot hole. If a ghost really made a flyer, who would hand it to them? I think it's probable they found it around somewhere indirectly. You do need to be careful picking up the medium though, as I don't how recent this was. If it's been there for a while, an abandoned place but still not too shady will be fine. But it gets tricky if his is recent. Forest wants them to discover it but is a ghost so can't snoop around much. Snuggling it into the school board or something sounds the best way to me.
The tense suggests it should be 'what I always say' as here you're referring to a recurring habit instead of a one time mention in the past.
Did you do that such so you capitalise I here to show the highlight? I get it that you had no other way to show that in writing but you can just go around and correct it here. When you record the dialogue, make sure emphasis is laid on the delivery of 'I'. If course the correct dialogue will be
And you know what *I* always say, Rosie.
One last important thing for you to ensure you have sorted out. Why are the girls willing to participate in the play, afterall? I think it has a little bit to do with being realistic. It's a fun story don't get me wrong but I don't think any of my theatre friends would go for something like that. Maybe the school hasn't done a drama for a while so they're desperate? Hos about it being a dare from their friends? I just want to make sure you have a strong foundation before you proceed,
Lol I don't think that'll work well though XD. What if you have to show a pitch black room afterwards? It might get repetitive. The outdoors see bound to have some light at least. Personally, graphics are appealing as an audience. Make them dark sure, but making the background all black is unnecessarily being lazy. I always believe that if you're doing something, put all your efforts and heart into it.
I'm really curious to see what's the real reason why Forest sent out flyers for volunteers. The mystery is really compelling.
Overall, a nice little scary read, I had fun reviewing it. Hope I get to catch up on the following plot as it really does appear interesting.
ty for your review! The script definitely needs a lot of work lol, I%u2019ll be sure to implement your advice!