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Young Writers Society


12+ Violence

Once a Church, now a Graveyard, part 2

by Milaita


This is the continuation of my recent upload 'Once a Church, now a Graveyard, part 1'. I apologize about how short the previous part was, I ran out of time to write! Note: I do not claim to be a great writer. I know I get my tenses mixed up, and I will fix them at a later date.

"I have been travelling for many days, I am going to use this church as shelter for the night," I said, crossing my arms across my chest.He looked at me with his strange, gray eyes. The way he looked me over irked me. Once, twice, three times, he passed by my face with his stare. I frowned, not only did he ask too many questions, he was far too blunt. None of this should agitate me, but, something seemed amiss about this man.

"You have three scars on your face. How did you get them?" He asked.

"You ask too many questions," I retort. He appears in front of me like a shadow and I jump back a little. He inches toward me, opening his mouth in a twisted grin.

"Get back!" I yelp as he charges toward me. I bound around him quickly, running into the shelter of the church. He scowls, continuing to drift toward me. I pull at the chain around my neck, my family's cross now in my hand. He growled angrily as I held up the holy artifact.

"I command you in the name of the Lord, begone!" I shout, glaring at the man who now convulsed violently. His limp body fell to the barren earth. I heard an ethereal scream in the wind as I put my cross under my shirt. I sighed and sauntered through the dirt, kneeling at the man's body. He had been dead around a week, his body decomposing as soon as the demon left. I hated my job as an exorcist. I didn't like using force. It didn't feel right. I wander back inside, lifting my notebook from the dusty floor.

"I never finished what I was writing, and now I don't even remember what it was," I mumbled.

The entry reads: "Finally I'm here at the church. The place where I was raised as an orphan. The main hall is in tatters. The dormitories sound as if they've been haunted for a hundred years. So many souls have made their place here that it's almost depressing to stand within the halls I called home."

I felt awful for the poor man. He didn't do anything to have his corpse possessed like a toy, no one ever does. I looked around, taking note of the walls, the floors, everything.

Will be continued in part 3.

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Tue Jun 03, 2014 4:23 pm
Iggy wrote a review...



Hey there! Here as requested. Note: next time you PM me, please include a link so I don't have to hunt this down. ^^

"I have been travelling for many days, I am going to use this church as shelter for the night,"


Comma splice. Also, instead of saying "I have" or "I am", I suggest you use contractions. So I have > I've and I am > I'm.

He looked at me with his strange, gray eyes.


Cut out the comma.

I frowned, not only did he ask too many questions, he was far too blunt.


Another comma splice! Change the comma after "frowned" to a semicolon.

but, something seemed amiss about this man.


But shouldn't have a comma after it.

He appears in front of me like a shadow


Was he not in front of her before? If he was behind her, how did he see her scars? This makes no sense. Cut this out.


That's the end of my nitpicks. Here are my thoughts:

1. So she's an exorcist... okay. I suppose I can dig it. I think it was a bit random, but hey, surprises are meant to be just that, eh? What I think would've made this best is if you described her emotions more. Right now, we aren't seeing much of who she really is. We don't really know Katarina; therefore, we can't connect to her.

If this man was indeed possessed by a demon, then there's a possibility you never would've noticed. Seeing as she's suddenly an exorcist, she would've noticed. Don't they have intuition and stuff like that? She would've sensed something was wrong with him, felt the mysterious aura he gave off. Perhaps his dark eyes made her stomach tighten or chills run down her spine. Seriously, even stereotypes are better than nothing. I want to know what's going through her mind.

2.
He had been dead around a week,


Unless you're working some evil/alchemist/voodoo stuff, this won't fly. Dead is dead. Being possessed by a demon does nothing to stop the body from decomposing. So Katarina definitely would've noticed something wrong, whether it was the smell or the rotten flesh or the molted hair or etc.

3. Your chapters are awfully short. Consider expanding them. You could've easily combined this and the first part without it being too long. It would've been the right length, actually.

4. I've been thinking about it and I'm still iffy on the sudden "hello! I'm an exorcist" thing. I suggest you hint towards it, like her immediate suspicion of him or her unconscious gripping of her cross. Anything that makes it come off as a good thing rather than a groaning "are you serious?" thing.

5. I'm also not sure how I feel about the cross. Forget what I said about stereotypes earlier; they get tedious after a while. I highly encourage you to put your own creative license to this! So if the cross and the Lord's name works, then say holy water doesn't, or it has to be holy water blessed by the Pope or whatever religion you're working with here. Say that only sacred blades can harm the demons and that only a certain prayer of protection and banishment can send them back to hell. Work with this and put your own twist to it!

So far, I'm intrigued to see where you're going with this, so do let me know when the next chapter comes out. I hope my review helped.

~Iggy




Milaita says...


I understand! :) Thank you very much for the tips and advice!



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Mon Jun 02, 2014 4:54 pm
Unique wrote a review...



I am a little confused about the man, does he symbolize something in the story? And if she knew he was there, why was she so scared when she saw him. Sorry, that was a very confusing sentence to write... I really liked the second to last sentence. But the sentence after that should probably be part of another paragraph because it has nothing to do with the first sentence in the paragraph (sorry, that was another confusing sentence). I really like it, but like every story, it needs work! Great job though!




Milaita says...


The man isn't a symbol at all, he was a character. His name is Dill. However, he was a man who had been killed prior to the beginning of the story and his body had been possessed by a demon in order to kill Katarina, the exorcist. I write these parts during my lunch break, so, I usually just stop where I am and pick up later, which is why the last paragraph is so small.



Milaita says...


Also, Katarina was scared because she wasn't expecting him to appear in front of her so quickly and suddenly.




It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live.
— Albus Dumbledore