Unbeing

Dear MilagrosPerin,

EccentricRose is here to review your lovely writing!

"Unbeing" is a very good poem and I thank you for sharing it with us. The only thing I found a little distracting was that the poem was not only in italics, but in bold. I guess using this is a personal preference, but since I am here to give you my honest thoughts, I did find it distracting that the entire poem was this way. Usually italics and bold is saved for when you are really trying to make a point or emphasis in a particular part of the poem.

My favorite line was:

Disappearing like snowflakes in the wind

I agree with Savvy on this one.

The poem altogether has a nice concept and definitely possesses potential but the word choice is repetitive and lacking in depth. When I read a poem, I at least like for the writer to create some sort of imagery that can evoke emotion OR on a good day, use words to convey an emotion (connotation). Here, you do neither of those things.

I can relate to his poem similarly as SinfullyGoregous could but there just isn't enough description.

Perhaps it was your ultimate intention to convey your ideas through empty words as the concept of "oblivion" is discussed?

Either way, there are places within this piece that change in tense, mostly from present to past.

Fading into loneliness
Disappearing into Oblivion
Soul been absorbed
Heart been no more

Hello Mil~

First off, welcome to the site! I hope you have a great time here. I assure you that criticism given by your reviewers is strictly constructive for the majority of the time. I'll give you some suggestions, and you can choose whether to take them, or to totally ignore me. It's your work, and your choice, and I respect that.

The fact that you've bolded the entirety of this piece is slightly confusing for me. Throughout the whole thing, you seem to emphasize the words relative to "fading" and "disappearing". I'm finding it hard to grasp the imagery. Unless you mean for this to be something of an ironic touch, I would suggest unbolding the text.

You are kind of repeating the same thing over and over again. Something is disappearing, fading, becoming invisible. It's hard to sense what from the way you've worded things here. Maybe the narrator? Their identity? I honestly am not sure. All I know is that they're fading into oblivion. I'm sensing some kind of helpless tone, a feeling of purposelessness, but I can't grasp any sense of the characters or the setting, or really anything but the mood.

I can't be moved, touched, or even breathed on by this poem because I don't know what you're trying to convey. I can't empathize with your narrator. You could cut out some of the unnecessary repetition, and instead add some of what the character is thinking, or even just describing this feeling of helplessness a little more. Does it feel like you're falling into an endless pit, where all the breath is being sucked from your lungs? Even more, why do you feel this way?

There's potential here, it just needs some development in the areas of characterization and non-repetitious description. If you have any questions or need reviews on any further works, than you can let me know. I hope this proved helpful to you.

Yours,
Savvy

Just Sinful dropping a review.

This pome was excellently written, the structure is on point and the words relating to the title. I admired this pome, only because it speaks truth to me. No idea why, but it touches the deep, dark area within my heart. So well done, my friend.

There are a few things you are missing, like periods at the end of complete thoughts. And the commas that split one clause from another. It kind of disrupts the flow of the story, and also makes the reader confused. Though, besides that I believe you did well.