Jasmine Hills got home at exactly four o’clock on a Tuesday afternoon, exhausted and hungry for her usual afternoon snack.
She had expected her little Yorkshire terrier and best friend, Peggy, to come running to greet her as soon as she opened the door and to hear her little squeaky barks.
But there was no sign of Peggy at the entrance when Jasmine got home. So she thought her dog must have been asleep somewhere in the house, since she saw her favourite little red ball in the hallway.
Jasmine was too tired from a long day at school to look for Peggy and decided to take a nap, just after taking her snack.
When the girl woke up, it was almost supper time and she was awaken by her mother’s voice calling her down. Jasmine started asking her mother if she had seen Peggy but she replied that she hadn’t.
Jasmine looked all over the house, calling out her dog’s name and clapping her hands – a sound that Peggy liked – but there was no sign of the dog. She was nowhere to be found!
“Mum!” Jasmine sobbed, worried of what could have happened to her dog.
“What is it darling?”
“Peggy is gone! Somebody stole her from me!”
Jasmine’s mother put her hands on her hips and had a serious look on her face. “We’re going to find Peggy, alright? Don’t cry, we’ll find out who stole her.”
[To be continued in next month’s edition!]
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,856 Reviews
Hey Mikko! Stella here to read and see what you were talking about
So, I'm not going to nitpick because I assume you've already sent this piece to your teacher and I don't think that would be much help. Overall, I think it has the perfect vibe for a children's story. No, really! But in your next part, there are a few pointers that I think would be worth thinking about...
1. Don't be afraid to use description. You'd be surprised how much there really is in kids' books- because kids love to imagine what you describe! Right now I feel like you're avoiding big paragraphs or too-thick prose, and that's totally understandable! But the story just feels that little bit thinner without it. So don't be scared to describe Jasmine's surroundings and feelings in future installments
2. Structure- you could mix it up a little bit. Again, it's a children's story so I get that you don't want to be too confusing or roundabout. And what you're writing is fine! But I think it could really use some twisting of syntax. Try not to make every sentence use the same structure, the same clauses in the same order. You're not too bad here, there's just a few instances where the whole thing is very... same-y. Just like normal literature, vary sentence length to suggest urgency or laziness. Mix things up so that every sentence is a surprise and not just a tool.
But really, I think you have the tone perfect and I actually am quite intrigued as to what has happened to Peggy!
Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!
-Stella x
D: I know, I know! This is a children's story guys, I really can't do much about it. I dislike it myself so please forgive me!
Well this is quite short! But anyway on with my review!
There should be more emotion with this, Losing a dog is tragic, your reader has to be able to see and feel everything that the character is feeling or else there will be no emotion and it will be like listening to those long Speeches at Universities that no one likes to hear. Other than that I love the plot and I am rather anxious to see who stole Peggy.
Hi there Mikko!
So, considering this is rather short, there isn't very much I can talk about but I'll try my best. I realize that this is probably intended to be short.
There's one thing, encompassing a few smaller problems, that bothered me. This is how simplistic everything felt. There is no emotion to this - it's like you were writing as stone. With little detail (I know it's short but still!), nothing can really be imagined by the audience. As frequent as these few next words are, I must say them: show, don't tell. Even in such a short piece, one can show. Give us a few descriptions - I'm sure an extra few lines won't hurt to be added. Without some detail, even in the smallest quantity, your story is no longer a story. It's just words that were written - they have little meaning ... and we don't want that, obviously! So, I encourage you to write a little more describing, for your sake and your readers.
Doubly so, some of your wording was a little bizarre. Sometimes, what was written could be interpreted in more ways that one and that can be very muddling for whoever is reading this. For example:
Here, it's not obvious that the terrier and Peggy are the same being - only after a reread or two can one perhaps infer. In this phrase, it is easy for a reader to mistake the terrier and Peggy being two different things. I suggest that you clarify between these two points
Lastly - I find when Jasmine jumps to conclusions that Peggy was stolen is highly unrealistic. I don't mean that the dog being stolen is unrealistic (because it isn't) but the fact that Jasmine naturally assumes. Of course, Jasmine may be young and do so but perhaps her mother can point out other possibilities? The jump to conclusions is simply bizarre with no background story beforehand.
Overall, it's not much, and it needs work - but perhaps with the remaining parts, it'll be improved!
Yours,
Lavvie
Perfect grammar, perfect tension, perfect imagery! there's one thing i need to bring up that i'm not sure of; is it awaken or awakened?
Great Work!