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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Is this about the riots? It certainly reminds me of them. Fantastic, I really liked how it was set up, I loved the metaphor of the fire in this, of growing and fading energy. Bravo!
Mikko!
Love it. Absolutely love it. I love the passion behind the voice, the snarky undertones, and the lyrics. This, very much reminds me of a sestina for the effects that some of these repetitive lines exude (the repetitive coming/numbing...?) except it's obviously not a sestina - so I think it's interesting as far as form goes. I'm interested and rather curious in knowing your intentions behind it. I very much get this sing-songy and even quite psychotic mood.
Without a sip? Sounds like a forced rhyme to me. I do like the sounds going on here, these aren't direct rhymes, but this assonance "ih" rhyme with arsonist, pissed, and sip.
...But sip, I dunno, just sounds silly xD Why do I picture this insane, murderous arsonist wipe the sweat off his brow and then hydrate himself with a sippy cup?
My favorite stanza, I think. Chilling. The rhymes work here. But I do wonder what you mean by "cracking" ...? It's interesting, because I imagine an egg cracking. Something fragile, so easily broken. If that's what you're going for, I would elaborate a bit more, but I can't really tell. It's unclear- especially when paired with "dark" - I can't be too sure of what exactly you mean.
The rest of the poem flows quite smoothly - but one thing I noticed was the repetitive structure of your lines and sentences.
"I + verb..." continually throughout. While it all sounds pretty, as the poem goes on, it drags on and gets a bit boring. I would experiment and try to vary them a little.
Other then these minor things, I truly do love this piece, and the lyric-like quality. To be honest, I wanted to read more.
~ as always, Audy
Sorry Mikko,
I realized I tailored my review under my assumption that this was a poem. Still getting used to the new system ;_; I thought this was under lyric poetry, and I realized now it's lyrics (...I thought it was rather jingly) I'd edit my review if I could.
Sorry about that Dx