Published June 27, 2011
I sit, the middle being my friend.
Four walls, four walls, and they speak,
saying I’m trapped saying I wont breath.
Their eyes! They grow, they pierce,
they read my very lips that crave freedom!
Four walls! Four walls!
Your outstretched arms pour out
stitched dementia that craves me…
But I’m content for just a second
as I take a mere look at the door…
Four walls! Four walls!
Don’t consume the door!
Don’t talk to me! Don’t kill me!
Leave me… Leave me!
Four walls! Four walls!
Your hands abuse my being,
your words are muted by nothingness…
Four walls… entrapped by you
is the destiny that consumes me…
Freedom is the myth that keeps me living,
freedom is the desire that hooks me
to the fabric that will destroy the boundaries
of inequality and numbness.
I wish, I just wish, that the fabric
would tear down the four walls
that mute the thoughts of change…
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138,257 Literary Works • 672,091 Reviews
Ellipses.
I don't know what their purpose is as a punctuation, but I don't appreciate them. Please eliminate them from your poem.
Here it kind of makes sense to have an ellipses, because I see the paused, drifting effect.
Comma.
Comma or dash.
Period or exclamation point or even a comma.
Period. there is nothing drifty about that, that is a complete sentence
Semicolon or comma or period.
This whole phrase is kind of weird; I say turn it into a functioning sentence and change that ellipses to a period.
Anything; a picture of your dog. An emoticon. Anything but an ellipses, dear lord please.
And in your title!? I'm going to be honest, that was a pretty solid little poem but between the ellipses in the title and the poll at the beginning; I'd seen this poem a few times but never bothered to read it. We all judge books by their titles and covers and we certainly judge poems by their use of ellipses.
And after all that, I think you could amp up the crazy a little bit. I'm sensing a little Poe here, a little bit of that delusion being projected unto inatimate objects, but if you could descend into full fledged hysteria, I think it would do wonders for this poem.
Overall this was pretty good, and it has a really good voice. I like it. Keep up the good work!
This isn't too bad, it's emotional and what not.
My problems with this is that there's no imagery.