I stood, all my weight on the wall behind me, as my friends continued to talk about sports or girls or something else, I had lost track seeing as I had tuned out as soon as Rick had someone other than me to talk to. I had since been watching the never ending seas of people coming around the corner across from me. Through the swarms of students, most of which including me were probably going to be late to class, I saw her, Ember. A fiery, rebellious, clever girl, who no matter what she did never seemed to get punished, that is if she even got caught. I, for one, thought she was genius, not to mention hot.I just stood where I was for the longest time as she walked down the hall, clearly becoming irritated with the amount of people, who were in no rush to get to class.
“Hello, Earth to Tony” Rick sarcastically laughed out in an effort to get my attention back.
“What” I answered looking back to my friends from where I had been watching Ember.
“Who’s better’ He asked in an ‘it’s obvious’ tone
“I don’t care’ I said looking away from my friends and back at the thinning group of students that were still lingering in the hall, scanning it for Ember who was nowhere to be seen. “Where’d she go?” I asked myself as I searched the remaining faces for her familiar one. As a few more people cleared out of the hall I was able to see a body leaning against the wall, and sliding down to the floor. A pang of panic shot through me as I called in a half yell “Ember” getting the attention of most of the people in the hall. I dropped my bag and rushed onto the ground, sliding over in front of her and placing my hands on her knees, which were up in front of her chest. “Ember, what’s wrong?” I asked seeing that she was in pain. She had her eyes closed tightly, her hands were tightly gripping her chest over her heart to the point that her knuckles were turning white, and it appeared that she hadn’t even heard my question. I looked away from her and up around us where a small crowd had begun to form, “Get help” I called looking from one side of me to the other, before looking back at Ember. I heard several sets of feet take off in a run from different sides of me as I lifted Embers face in an effort to get a response. It killed me to see the pain and agony written across her face. “Ember, Ember it’s going to be alright, I promise.” I assured her as I heard more sets of feet hitting the floor, this time getting louder as they neared us. I slid to my right just in time to allow a teacher to crouch down in front of her.
After a moment or two of the teacher trying to get Ember to respond to him with no luck, the nurse came around the corner fighting her way through the rather large crowd that had grown, as she knelt down I felt a hand on my shoulder and looked up to see a concerned teacher looking down at me. I stood up and took a step back to join the inside edge of the crowd, when a couple of teachers, who were probably wondering where their students where, came around the corner telling students to go back to class. When one of them reached where I stood watching Ember the teacher and nurse who were still kneeling in front of her trying to get her to respond to them.
“You need to go to class.” The teacher said in a forceful and slightly annoyed tone.
“No, I’m not leaving her’ I stated just as forceful, as the teacher in front of Ember looked up at us.
“Let him stay, he found her.” He explained to the teacher at my side as she nodded her head with an annoyed, but defeated look on her face and began back to her own class of disarrayed students. Not a minute later another nurse came down the hall pushing an old worn, wheel chair, which the first nurse had radioed for whilst I was bickering with the teacher. They lifted Ember into the chair and began pushing back down the hall towards the nurse’s office, me keeping pace with them the whole time.
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125,013 Literary Works • 672,844 Reviews
Hey, Mikayla. So you've got a cool idea going on here, and you've got a good grip on your setting and using it to help out your story, but there were a few problems with this one. I can't touch on all of them since I don't want you to feel overwhelmed, so I'll just help out with some and point out others. Sounds good?
So, first things first, I've got to tell you that you're doing pretty well with descriptions and capturing the scene. The hundreds of students in the hall, Tony searching through the throng of faces for the one that truly matters--those were two of my favourite parts. But while describing things, you've got to keep in mind that sometimes less is more. What I mean by that is your choice of words--sometimes you've got too many words in a sentence, causing it to run on longer than it should. This hinders the readability of your work, and you want your readers feeling comfortable, right? So limit your words. Focus less on how cool you can make things sound and instead, focus more on getting your point across. It's okay to show things rather than tell me (for example, his eyes searching through the crowd instead of just blatantly saying 'I looked for her'), that's actually a great thing to do, but be mindful of things that will help your story and omit the others.
For example, you wrote:
See, this line is way too long, and instead of getting to the point your taking me on a limbo instead. Why don't you try shortening it a bit? Split it in two lines instead? Here's an example of this:
I leaned my weight on the wall behind me as my friends spoke of sports or girls or something else. I had tuned out as soon as Rick had someone other than me to to talk to.
See that? If he's putting his weight on the wall, that means he's leaning. Therefore, you can just use lean instead of stood plus the other stuff. Also, since he tuned out, he most likely lost track, so you can omit 'I had lost track'. I hope that makes some sense. You're going to have to read things through and think of ways you can make descriptions more concise and straightforward. I hope that made some sense (if you need me to clarify anything, let me know).
Next up would be that big paragraph you have with the dialogue in it (the part where he's trying to help Ember). I would suggest breaking it into two paragraphs instead for better readability, since seeing that big block is a little overwhelming and hard to read through. Lastly, please remember your punctuation after your dialogue. For example, you wrote:
When it should be:
"What?" I answered, looking away from Ember and to my friends. (I also shortened it a bit)
Make sure your quotes are consistent as well. Sometimes you started dialogue with double quotes but ended it with single quotes. Consistency is key. c:
If you've got any questions with what I've said above, or if you need me to clarify anything, please let me know. I hope this doesn't seem like I'm hounding you; I just want you to keep these things in mind when writing so similar mistakes won't occur in the future. Have a great day/night, and I wish you the best with writing!
This was really good. I really enjoyed reading this. I think you can add a little more detail though. It was kinda skimpy on it. You did not add as much detail as I would hope for. I love details in stories, and I didn't get to much from this.
You also might want to check punctuation an capitalization. You made a few errors.
This was pretty much awesome altogether. I liked reading this. Thank you for giving this to us.
~PerfectWeapon
This was great.