My
heart pounded against my chest as if my ribs were a cage holding it
hostage, and it was trying it’s hardest to escape. My head
throbbed, feeling as if my brain might explode right then and there
from the pressure. The sound of jackhammers filled my ears over the
chatter that had filled the hall. My vision began blurring around the
edges before the black slowly began creeping in.
I
felt the wall behind me, as I leaned all of my weight against it
before I began sliding down it until the cold, hard tile floor caught
my descending body.
As
soon as I hit the ground the jackhammers got even louder, after I
thought it had reached its max. The pressure in my skull intensified
to the point that if my head didn’t explode right then, I might
pass out. The darkness over took my vision, to the point where I
couldn’t see anything. My lungs constricted to the point that I
couldn’t get a breath in. All the while my heart kept
relentlessly pounding against my chest, fighting for anyway to escape
the cage it was trapped in.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,013 Literary Works • 672,842 Reviews
@Winter257 @MicoSoul @thedumbbruntte00
I have posted the second pert of this, so if you would like to go read that. This chapter will make more sense once you've read part two.
Hey there! Gonna review this for you quickly.
Overall, I think this is interesting. I love how, in the first paragraph, you compare one's ribs to a cage when the heart begins to pound. Your use of metaphors made this that much more interesting.
My only issues with this, is that first of all, I don't understand why you considered it a novel/chapter? I feel like it's mainly just describing someone having a panic attack. Or is this supposed to develop into a bigger story, and this was just the beginning introduction? If that is the case, then this is a good start, however, I still am a bit confused. Is this just simply meant to describe a panic attack, or is something else happening? I think I'll understand more once you write the part two, as you stated.
Regardless of that, you did a fantastic job writing this! It nearly flawlessly captured what's going through the narrator's head, and what they are experiencing. I'll definitely be sure to look out for more of your work!
Yo!
This was very good.
The only thing I think would have helped me as a reader is a little insight as to what set off the attack, and if you did have this info in the story try and make it more apparent.
A question about this part
I felt the wall behind me, as I leaned all of my weight against it
before I began sliding down it until the cold, hard tile floor(Where is she if she is hearing jackhammers, and there is a tile floor?) caught
my descending body.
Anyway nice work!
Hey Mikayla! I love your writing style and the opening sentence was really good and really grabbed the reader and wanted me to read more. I also liked the chatter in the hall compared to jack hammers.
The second paragraph is where I start getting confused though. The narrator falls to the ground but the hallway was crowded and how come nobody in the hall stopped to try to help the narrator? I also got confused when the narrator got to the floor and the jackhammers got louder. Does that mean that people started coming to check on them?
Anyway I loved the story and I can't wait to read more of your work!
-Brunette