Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence.
The church's organ music began, and the rain started falling not a moment after. Abraham Stoker watched from the church tower as people scurried off of the streets to their homes. Not to take shelter from the rain itself, but from what would be out in the rain. Abraham began to gather his tools. He would need them to hunt the thing that was in the rain, the thing that was hunting whatever stray people were left on the streets. He placed his hands on the lid of a small chest, filled with tools made for this very hunt. There had been so many before, but never had Abraham hunted anything like this. He opened the chest and pulled out two silver stakes, which he attached to his belt. Then he pulled out two flasks, filled with holy water. He closed the chest, put on his leather coat and wide brimmed hat, and ventured into the city. The hunt had begun.
Abraham trudged solemnly through the rain, searching for the creature that was terrorizing the city. He looked for any strange shadows or shapes. Suddenly he heard a faint scream from an alleyway behind him. Abraham ran toward the source of the terrified shriek. He walked into the alley and saw a man, pale as the moon and dressed in black clothing, holding the limp body of a young woman in his arms. Abraham raced towards them, knowing that the pale man was the creature he hunted. Seeing him, the pale man let the woman fall to the ground and started running away. Abraham checked to see if she was okay, but he abandoned the thought once he saw two puncture wounds in the woman's neck. Abraham then took off after the pale man, even more determined to catch him now that he had seen what he did to people first hand.
After hours of chasing the pale man, Abraham had him cornered on a factory rooftop. The man turned to face Abraham and bared his fangs. Abraham ran towards him with a stake in each hand. He thrust one stake at the vampire's heart, but he was too slow and the vampire knocked it from his hand. Abraham followed by bringing the second stake into the vampire's side. Abraham looked for the first stake to finish the vampire off, but couldn't find it. He turned to where the vampire was laying, but found nothing but the stake he had just plunged into the vampire's side. He picked it up and heard a footstep behind him. He turned and saw the vampire running at him. Abraham threw the stake at the vampire like a dart, and un-capped a flask of holy water. He threw the holy water in the vampire's face, and while his hands were reaching the areas of his face where the water had burned him, the stake found its way to the vampire's heart. Everything seemed quiet for a moment, and then the vampire slumped over with a silent thud.
Abraham sat, watching the vampire’s corpse. He looked out on the horizon just as the sun began to rise. The sun’s light spread across the city slowly. The vampire’s flesh steamed at the bright warmth. It withered and rotted, until there was nothing left but ash, the clothes it was wearing, and the stake that was left in its heart. Abraham picked up the stake, sheathed it, and said a prayer over the ashes. He then found his way off of the factory roof, and back to the church tower. Ready to defend his city from the creatures of the night…
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,798 Reviews
This was pretty intense! I like your style of writing though. Is this story based off of that movie that came out a few years ago about Abraham Lincoln the vampire slayer? I never saw the movie, just curious. The descriptions you gave in the second to last paragraph were great, for more than one reason. You were able to capture the intensity of the situation, in addition to the mood of the story. Have you thought about writing about any other topics? It can be a hard topic to write about just because of how much it is overdone. Good luck to you and your writing.
to me this story was kind of cliché and unoriginal. it made me think of Van Helsing, especially when he prayed over the ashes. And honestly, no offense, but it kind of bored me. everything was so step-by-step. Abraham did this, then Abraham did that. there was nothing about how scared he was or excited or determined or anything. I mean, you write well. there were no spelling or grammatical mistakes that I noticed. but when you have a story without dialogue it's kind of hard to connect with the characters if there's nothing else to help the reader out. we need to be able to see inside his head. for example: what made him start hunting evil creatures? or what was he feeling throughout the hunt? vampire stories are becoming extremely popular; if you want to write a good one you have to do something that hasn't been done before, something that's going to jump off the page and surprise the reader. maybe the vampire gets the jump on Abraham instead, biting him and turning him. I don't know. like I said, you write well, you just need something more original and catching, something that we haven't read a hundred times elsewhere. the whole thing happened kind of fast, and the action scene was kind of dull. the actions themselves would have been scary if the reader could feel what Abraham was feeling.
i.e. He turned to where the vampire was laying, but found nothing but the stake he had just plunged into the vampire's side. He picked it up and heard a footstep behind him. He turned and saw the vampire running at him.
to any normal person, or even a vampire hunter, this would be a terrifying thing. instead you have Abraham reacting to it like he's going for a stroll in the park. you could try something like:
He turned to where the vampire should have been laying, his eyes widening to the size of pumpkins when he saw nothing but the stake he'd plunged into the vampire's side moments before. Instantly he seized it, whirling around in search of his foe, his heart pounding faster and harder with each passing second. Suddenly there was a footstep behind him. Abraham quickly turned, nearly freezing up when he saw the vampire sprinting directly at him, its evil eyes narrowed into a death glare.
anyways. a little more detail/description is all you really need to turn this story around. the cliché part of it might be a little less apparent if you can capture the reader's interest and keep them from getting bored.
I liked this, for obvious reasons it made me think of abraham lincoln vampire hunter. But at the same time i thought that movie was kick-ass and so I think this story is as well. Anyway, keep writing this. I'd like to see more of this.
Just something I wrote last year.