"Don't cry Jene. Don't be upset. Listen to me!"
"She can't hear you Seth." Said the voice of a woman unseen, that seemed to come from everywhere and nowhere.
"Who said that?" Seth said searching the room with his eyes. "Where are you?"
”It doesn’t matter who I am." The voice said in a mystified tone. "I am here to help you."
Seth stayed quiet for a moment the said in almost a whisper,” If you want to help me, can you tell me some things. I don't understand anything anymore." Normally Seth would not be this open with a stranger all of the sudden, but he had not talked to anyone in awhile. Plus there was something about this voice that made him think he could trust whoever it came from, if it indeed did have an owner.
"I will to a certain extent." said the voice.
"Why can't she see me of hear me? I can see and hear her.
"It is because you are not really here. Your spirit dwells, but your body is gone. You are no longer a thing of this world. Seth, you don't belong here. “
"Okay, how do you know my name?"
The voice just laughed slightly and then was silent.
Seth moved on. "If I don't belong, why am I still here?" Seth asked hastily because the voice seemed to be getting quieter.
"I cannot tell you that. No one can answer that for you. You must find out on your own. AUntil you do, you will be stuck In Between."
"But..." Seth protested.
"Quiet," the voice commanded.” Now I will talk and you will listen. Look around you. Do you see what is happening?"
Seth scanned the room, alarmed at what was happening. "Why is this fog forming?"
"If the fog gets thick enough that you cannot see the walls of this room, you will never leave this earth." said the voice hurryingly. "It will take about one hour’s time to form."
"But you said that I will already be stuck 'In Between', whatever that means." Seth responded cockily.
"There is a difference in being a spirit on earth and being In Between."
"What does that mean?" Seth asked. "It sounds like a riddle."
"I will say this much," the voice said. "There is something tying you to this
world."
"What?" Seth asked, getting annoyed. "I don't have anything 'unfinished' like in all those movies."
"I never said you had anything unfinished." said the voice unconcernedly.
"What?” Seth asked dumbly.
"If you seek these answers, break free of this place and step through the fog."
"What?" Seth asked again confused.
"Just step through."
Seth was still not sure what the voice meant, but that's exactly what he did. He stepped throough the fog.
To be continued
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Hey there Midori, and welcome to YWS.
The full stop in front of "Seth" should be a comma. As a result, the "s" in "Said" should be lower case. I also have to agree with rubric with the phase "everywhere and nowhere" being a bit cliche. I think you can use some creativity in showing this situation through a more thought provoking way.
"Who said that?" Seth said, searching the room with his eyes, "Where are you?"
"It doesn't matter who I am," the voice s aid in a mystified tone, " I am here to help you."
Seth stayed quiet for a moment, then whispered. "If you want to help me, can you tell me some things? I don't understand anything anymore."
I will, to a certain extent," said the voice.
This does not even make sense.
No "A" in "until".
How on earth does he know the exact time? Does it feel natural in the dialogue? By giving the exact time, you are stripping away some of the divine authority of the voice. Also, hurryingly is not even a word.
Comma after "unfinished" instead of a full stop.
A badly executed cliffhanger ending, making it borderline to being a cliche. "Through" is also spelled wrong.
Overall impressions:
Ask yourself this: Did you put enough effort into this piece to make it worthy of receiving the attention of the readers? Personally, I don't think so.
The idea behind this piece is cliche. A person who is entirely lost and a mysterious voice of a divine entity guiding and communicating with the person....
Not original. It has been done heaps in literature (heck, even in cartoons and games)
There is no imagery in this piece, making it hard for me to feel immersed with your piece. There is no character development, as implied by their cliche and dull dialog. I mean, why the hell should I even give a rat's tail about your main chracter? There is nothing that makes me feel that way.
Lastly, please know how to use your punctuation marks in dialogue. I suggest doing some research as to how it works in dialogue.
I'm not going to go on with this. Either throw this in the bin, or rewrite this with more creativity and development.
This is just a lackluster attempt at writing. Spending more time and effort will help in making some parts of this piece salvageable at best.
I hope this critique has helped. I know it is harsh, but I am being very honest with you. If you wish to discuss this piece further, PM me.
Andy.
"Said the voice of a woman unseen"
"came the voice of an unseen woman"
voices do not speak, people speak. similarly it should be "unseen woman" not "woman unseen"
"everywhere and nowhere. "
cliche
"The voice said "
again, voices do not speak. This problem continues throughout the piece.
"with a stranger all of the sudden"
this makes sense...but perhaps "with a stranger so quickly" might fit better?
"awhile"
a while, two words
"Plus there was something about"
even if from the point of iew of a younger protagonist, "plus" sounds a little informal, perhaps "furthermore", "additionally" or "moreover".
"laughed slightly "
ooh, I'm not a fan of this. perhaps "laughed quietely", or "laughed for a moment".
"AUntil you"
spelling error, lose the A
""Quiet,"
I think you want your voice to be a little more demandingand commanding thatn this, perhaps "Silence!" or some equally harsh command would be more fitting?
"said the voice hurryingly"
hurriedly?
"throough the fog"
lose an o
This piece shows promise, I like the idea of your protagonist being a spirit, it's a good angle. However, you should probably run things through spellcheck before submitting them.
Cheerio,
Rubric
P.S PM me if you post agian, I'd like to see where this goes