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Young Writers Society



The beginning

by Midnightmoon


Kila threw down her dress in disgust as her hair turned spiky and pink. She was trying to find the perfect outfit tor the ceremony that would be taking place at midnight. The head chefs of the castle had been preparing food since yesterlight. There was going to be a great feast, and the reveling would be going on for a week at least. Kila sighed as she threw down another dress, but her eyes were alight with triumph and exciment, for she, Kila Marona, Princess of Skular island and of the Maroness family, would be turning sixteen this evenlight. The ceremony being held was because of her and for her. Not only was she turning sixteen and having to leave on her quest to discover her purpose in life, but she was also a shape-shifter. The first since eighty generations ago. There would be games in her honor, though she couldn't participate. Kila really didn't understand that part, as it was quite boring for her, since she was by far the best sword fighter and the best archer within the seven islands ruled by her father. Kila rolled her eyes again. The nobility from all seven islands would be coming to the feast. Their sons would be participating in the games. Kila groaned as she thought about how many of those lads would be making fools of themselves trying to impress her. 

"If any of those idiots tries to propose to me, I'll skewer him," Kila vowed grimly. She brought out another dress. Finally! It was dark purple with a silver girdle. She put it on and buckled on her sword belt. She had made that sword with her own hands and she loved it. Now all she needed were her shoes. She wanted to wear her iron-toed, silver buckled, black leather war boots, but instead she had to wear a pair of gold slippers, specifically made for this occasion. Kila finished dressing and slipped out to the stable where her horse was.

Kila's horse was not, strictly speaking, a horse. It was a big black stallion, and the only one of his kind. He was a black pegasus with a unicorn horn and the magic of both kinds. Kila and Bracken were inseperable. She had found him, sick, abandoned, a broken wing, dying and scared in a cave on one of her daily walks. She had fed him and nursed him back to health. He, in return, chose her for his companion. It was a huge honor for Kila, because you did not own a pegasus. If one chose you, the bond was for life, but very few people were chosen by a pegasus, much less a unicorn. It was a double honor for Kila, he being a pegasus and a unicorn cross and the only one of his kind. Kila and Bracken shared a stronger, more special bond than the normal bond. He loved her because she had helped him, she understood him, and she never ever sent him into a danger that she would not face herself. He trusted her with his life. Kila loved Bracken for much of the same reasons. She loved soaring through the air on his back, she loved the way the trees blurred when he ran. When she was fourteen, a tragic accident had occurred, and as she lay dying, Bracken had used the magic from his horn to save her, and enabling her to be able to communicate with him. 

Kila smiled as Bracken nuzzled her and came back to the present.

"I can't wait to leave tonight. What about you Bracken? Ready to slip away on an adventure? It'll be nice to get away from all the royalty and the nobility." Kila rolled her eyes in disgust. She didn't mind all of it overall, but it did become tedious and boring at times. Besides, she couldn't wait to start her journey. Just then a servant came up.

"Your Highness, the Duke Reichton's ship has docked and Her Majesty wishes your presence there to greet him and his family." The servant waited for her response. Kila sighed. 

"Very well, I'm coming."  The servant bowed and disappeared. Kila put on a smile and went down to the docks to greet the royal guests.

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373 Reviews

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Wed Jun 07, 2017 9:08 pm
PrincessInk wrote a review...



Hey Midnight! I'm dropping by for a quick review.

So this is an intriguing opening here! It begins just moments before the important ceremony for Kila, and I think the main characters here--Kila and Bracken--are rooted in well. I'm fond of Bracken already and I really like the tough/soft sides of Kila here.

But I think that perhaps there's a lot of information that's more useful for you than the reader. Let's take the third paragraph as an example. It's talking about Bracken's origins and about the rarity of the bonds and their history together. The thing is, much of the information can be cut up and woven into the story here and there. Sure, I agree that noting the hybrid's origins is important indeed, but the rarity and the bond between them can be partly shown. For example, if people see them, they might gaze in awe! And for their closeness--you can talk about it while they interact and that bond must be quite obvious! And the incident when Kila was fourteen sounds like an unnecessary infodump. I suggest that you just keep everything that you think is important to the reader THAT MOMENT and store the rest of the information in a separate "notes" document.

So other than the information, this is a relatively short excerpt so I don't have too much to say. I wish there was more interaction between Kila and Bracken. It can show a lot of their real sides. Did Kila tease Bracken a little? Or vice versa? Did Kila talk a little about her feelings? And that leads me to my next point: I don't really know how Kila feels about this ceremony as the "clock" ticks down.

Like I said before, this is really interesting and good luck with writing this story! I've reviewed a couple of your pieces before so you know where to go if you need to talk ;)

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Tue Jun 06, 2017 7:00 pm
Chaska wrote a review...



Hiya!
Alright, so lets get to reviewing this great opening that you have here.
I'm going to run through nitpicks first and then we'll get down to the good stuff.
Here goes:

Kila sighed as she threw down another dress, but her eyes were alight with triumph and exciment

Perhaps 'but' is the wrong word to use here, I'd suggest 'and' instead.

Princess of Skular island and of the Maroness family, would be turning sixteen this evenlight. The ceremony being held was because of her and for her.

Okay, so this is more of a suggestion, but I think that your paragraph is a little too long, between these two sentences here I think would perhaps be a good place to break it up a little bit. So, to start the next paragraph with 'the ceremony being held...'. Think of paragraphs as seperate ideas, the first idea here being to introduce is to Kila, the second to tell us about why her sixteenth birthday is so special.

She brought out another dress. Finally!

Why finally? Had she been waiting on the dress for a while? Just throw in a little more detail here and there and it will really help to flesh out your story.

He was a black pegasus with a unicorn horn and the magic of both kinds.

What type of magic is that? I don't know what powers a unicorn or a pegasus has, so tell us.

She didn't mind all of it overall,

Small one here, I'm not sure that the word 'overall' is really needed.

Just then a servant came up.

Okay, so here's another example of where you could add a bit more detail. What does the servant looks like? Where exactly did they come from? You haven't actually described the setting visually yet, so what does this whole place look like?

There are also a few typo's and spelling mistakes in this chapter but I'm not going to run through and point them all out, I'm sure that when you read through you can find them yourself.

All that aside you have a really intriguing start to a story, and have already included several interesting parts. You've made me really curious about why she has to go on a quest and what's going to happen on the quest. Kila's character also seems really interesting, I'd look forward to finding out more of her backstory in upcoming chapters, especially about what powers she has and how she came to be the best archer/swords woman.
So so far, you have a really interesting start, as far as I can see your grammar is pretty good, just stick in a little more detail here and there and I think it will really bring your writing along a little bit.
I can't wait to see what you choose to do with this!
Hope this helped.
Chas





As the notifications drift in I stop and wonder. Why do they take so long? Do they have adventures we don't know about? I bet they do. When they come I will ask myself. What amazing adventure has this straggling notification been on? How far did it travel, and why didn't it take me?
— TypoWithoutCoffee