If I see you all day,
If I see you all night,
Maybe then I'll feel alright.
Haven't felt well lately,
Feeling a little blue
The only cure
Is seeing you.
If I see you all day,
If I see you all night,
Maybe then I'll feel alright.
I don't think its that good, but I co-wrote it with my boyfriend, so tell me what you think and what suggestions you have.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
I love this!!!!! Simple- beautiful- brilliant!!!!
Well, I understand the message, it’s plain and very clear. I can understand, from my own experiences, what that feeling can feel like, but if I were being honest, I would have loved to read more. Tell us the story behind this feeling, who or what are you talking about. Can you not do anything because your mind is only running through thoughts of them? I mean answer the readers’ questions to make this piece a little stronger.
~SnowBerry
One suggestion: more variation of the wording. It's a sweet rhyme, but as Juniper pointed out, it's also quite short. And love poems are of course, ubiquitous. Maybe a fresh similie or metaphore to show the passion and the need? The reason they write so many love poems is because love is so strong. Think about it some, I think you can do something much more intense using the same concept.
Hey Vampire! June here!
Perhaps I'm a bit biased in saying this, but poems relating to love, and anything surrounding love are a bit overdone. They're very common, and usually they don't introduce anything new to the audience, and that makes it a bit boring for us, dear. 
As I often say, give us a reason to want to relate and understand this.
It's an okay poem.
Anyway! It's a really short poem, but some things could be improved, like:
I'm not particularly fond of the repetition in the first two lines. It's not horrible, and it can stay, but I think it needs to be followed with something stronger than this third line, dear.
The third line is a bit off, too. I don't like the usage of "Maybe then"; I'd cut then out-- it's a filler word; not really doing anything for you here, dear.
And here, the first two lines are-- in a strange way, slightly repetitive. I'd cut those down and possibly tie them all up into one line.
You do have a nice idea here-- I like how you have a subtle rhyme scheme in here that doesn't read as forced or anything. Nice work on this, Midnight! Keep it up!
June